Tuesday, December 22, 2009

if he doesn't call you, he doesn't want to talk to you.

it's true and I'm sorry. Trust me on this one. I know you have feelings for him and you guys really connected or whatever, but thems the facts. If he isn't calling you, it's because he doesn't want to talk to you.  You can choose to do one of three things with this information, now that you have it. You can A. Call him. It either means you don't care that he doesn't want to talk to you, because you want to talk to him or that you're a psycho in the making, just getting ready to head to his house for a little bit of shrub lurking. B. Don't call him. Sit around and make yourself feel bad because the realization finally hit you that you like him way more than he ever liked you, either that or forget about him altogether. Or C. Text him when you feel like hooking up. Don't get too caught up in the hype, because if he doesn't want you, he's obviously not that smart. So it's not like you're missing out on some gem. I'm not advocating any of these choices, but I'm just laying out the nearly pathological behavior I've noticed in people and their relationships. It's annoying how predictable it all can be sometimes.

But whatever, because I'd rather talk about pictures.

I photographed with Giovann Viori. He is a Tuscan photographer who is currently working on a huuuge photo series that WTF, I'm a part of?!?!?


The series is called "The Photographer's Assistant" and it tells a story of this woman (played by several models including our girls Sofia Markolov and Dallas Fite) who apprentices for a photographer and falls in love with the photographer first, then his camera, which eventually consumes her. The concept has a very ethereal feel, which I find to be almost ghostly. It's eerie, but I like it a lot. It's different.

Giovanni is someone I've always known, but never worked with. We partied together back when I was much younger and going to all the hot events here and there. He's Tuscan, so he's got that Italian angle, which he is not afraid to work. But I appreciate a photographer who knows his way around models. Make us comfortable. Make us feel like we're having a good time and it will be easier for us to do what you want us to do to when you're trying to capture that image. You know what I mean/

When I was fresh out of high school, cavorting with the likes of the slightly-older fashion crowd, Giovanni was like the cool, Senior foreign exchange student to my nerdy, awkward Freshman girl. Back in those days, I didn't think there was anyway anyone could ever been as cool as he was. To this day, I don't know if I've met anyone cooler than Gi. Some people have come very close. One or two may even give him a run for his money, but that's it. He's the epitome of Italian charm with the class to match. Gentlemanly in every way.

He sees the world in a very unique way. It's pretty impressive.


The whole set was me, sitting at the head of a bed with Christmas lights strung along the wall behind me. There wasn't any extra lighting of any kind, just the click-click of the shutter and whatever random cd (probably The Avett Bros. or The Broken Family Band)  and Gi saying "bella" every now and then.

There are more, but I'm bored posting them. Enjoy. 

Friday, December 18, 2009

I need to recreate this shot.

Okay, maybe I don't need to recreate this shot, but I sure would like to. There's something simple about it that I like a lot. I'd even be willing to strip down for it.

Obviously, I would make some subtle changes (less diaper-y bottoms, entirely different shoes and probably a cooler tone althogether), but I love this image. I found it randomly on twitpic and snatched it. It's Lisa Boyle's self-portrait. I don't know who she is other than I'm pretty sure she's in the adult industry and she's hott, but that's not really my scene...so I don't suppose I would know much more.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

By all means, go ahead and indulge.

No duh, I have a millionzillionbillion concepts for photoshoots clanking around in my head like used car parts in a backpack. Most of these are going to be featured in our photobook just as soon as it's all done, but some I think are really just for me. I have a concept that I really want to shoot for myself, with my friends (with no restrictions on how tall anyone has to be or anything crazy like that!). The only stipulation is that you are beautiful (which by my standards, all my friends totally are and more)... whatever that means, anyway tho. There would 4-5 female models and 2-3 propmodelguys. The girls would be entirely done up in prom/charity style formal gowns &styling, and the guys would be superduper, real deal, Johnny Rotten punks. Filthy musician types...mmmm.  As far as setting a shoot like that, I could either use something that looked like a classy banquet hall-type situation --Nashville City Club comes to mind, because it's so classy and I love it there--- and something alley-like that could probably be found with little to no issue downtown. There's a lot of juxtaposition and contrast in it in my head, but I lack the technical know-how to pull it off. So if anyone in the Nashville (or even within a reasonable distance) area feels like indulging me, by all means go ahead and indulge. If executed properly, I think it could be a nice prom spread, but also really fun, young, hip imagery on an artistic level, too. Right up my alley.

I've been really wanting to get into photography, lately. It's not uncommon that models often get in to photography at some point, so it wouldn't be like I was some kind of terrible musician trying to act or anything...although, broadening your body of work is important. First, I suppose I would need to buy a camera, which horrifies me because I don't know where to start and I know it's all a matter of preference, but I haven't a clue. Not the slightest clue. Then, I'll have to compound some linear knowledge just basic enough to function and eventually, gain the vastness of the inner workings of the art, itself. Which will only further motivate me to relocate to a place where one might be able to make a reasonable living in the world of modeling & photography without having to do anything to crude or graphic, although by no means am I saying that I want to grow up and be a "photographer". I think that's best left to you, who is already doing such a wonderful job. I know my place is in front of the camera. I prefer it that way. But I would like to be able to take photos like the ones in my head, if the mood ever happens to strike me.

This time of year is ridiculous. I feel like I'll never have the time to sit down and rub the tension from my neck and shoulders. But I can't imagine doing anything else, though. Nothing. I'll be the first to admit that I have a very particular and focused set of skills...majoring in Theatre doesn't exactly prepare you for life in the way that you might think it probably could....so I'll do what I can do, which is stand on seamless paper and pose my cute little ass off.

And I'll go with what I know for now, and maybe I'll meet some interesting people and maybe learn some cool shit along the way. And who knows?? Maybe you can show me a thing or two while we're here and together?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

a day with giovanni viori (pt. 1)

Good morning, my loves. It's not quite 8am here and I've been awake for 4 hours already. Why? Because today I'm shooting with Giovanni Viori who's work has appeared in everything from ELLE to Vogue to Town & Country. He's a wonder and I love him so much because he is how I envision a younger Steven Meisel might have been. Always watching and seeing. Mysterious.

And then, of course there's that Tuscan accent and the hotness to match. So, I really can't complain. I don't know what's happening to me. I really love photographers lately. More than usual, even. Maybe it's because my last 3 jobs have been with young and handsome guys.

We're shooting some editorial stuff to appear in the first issue of City Lights (NFC's quarterly publication devoted to recognizing eco-friendly efforts of people, organizations, and businesses). I think you'll really dig it.

I'm having a really good day. I don't know... the last couple of days have been nice. A nice change from being sick and  then too busy catching up from being sick, but now...It started on Wednesday. I had a nice, long shoot with Tony and got to play up my darker side a little bit. It was a long day, but it was good and I walked away from it having learned a thing or two in the process. Plus, we did some high art/gallery type stuff that will blow your mind. Just you wait 'enry 'iggins. Just you wait.

I finally got the time to see my friends this weekend, too. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the reason I'm in such good spirits today. It's important to have something that is completely separate from work and worry and all those things you can't stand, but have to deal with. They're that, for me. Because there's so much else that HAS to be done and it's a lot of responsibility, but it's important to have someone you can go to and have a beer with, watch a movie with, or whatever without thinking too much about working. Although, I certainly can't complain, if this is what I get to do all day every day. It's the best job in the world.

Real life is hard, though some might argue that this isn't exactly 'real-life.' I have to disagree, though. Considering my work day today began at 4:30am and will not officially end until probably 10 or 11pm, I'd say this is as real as this shit comes.

Also, I am coexecutiveproducing a documentary. WTF, you ask? Well, yes. Yes I am.

Being busy is good, though. And if you can find paying work (that isn't getting naked for some creeper), which is not always easy in a smaller market like this without too much need for intense traveling, then good for you. You rule.

Since Christmas is a time when you can ask and maybe, just maybe your wishes could come true....I want to be photographed by Shawn Regruto. I'm not kidding. As far as editorial photography (which could easily be my secret lover if it were possible) he's got it squared away. I saw his film Point&Shoot years ago, fresh out of high school and it was just around that time when I was really falling in love with Athena Currey, so it was perfect. Ask anybody who knows 'Shawn knows his way around models.' But it's not just that I'm a sucker for a charmer, it's that he's takes stunning, honest photos and I want to get in on it. See?



Alright now, time's up so I've got to get back to work. Seamless paper, here I come!

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I just want to say that I think love is magical if you're lucky enough to feel it. There is nothing better.
That's all.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

trying to give you Summer, but I'm Winter. wish I could make you Spring, but I Fall so hard.

There's a really big chance that I'm on the verge of a psychotic break. I don't like the Winter, even though I love the song 'Winter Time' by Steve Miller Band. I don't like that there isn't enough sunlight to produce the same amounts of serotonin in my brain or vitamin D in my body to make me feel like I do in sunny (warmer) months. It's science, but I hate it whether I can argue it's fact-hood or not. For instance, in the Summer we get about 15 decent hours of sunlight a day compared to the Winter, when we get about about 10. Not only that, cold weather yields less energy, which makes people moodier, on average. Plus, your regular American 20-something has a tendency to indulge in carbs, stimulants (coffee, caffeine, etc) and alcohol in the winter to temporarily boost their moods. And while, yes it does work for a little while, it is often overlooked that eventually, a crash is inevitable...which makes you feel worse. And even if you don't mind love handles or a caffeine crash or a hangover, I do. It seems like a lose-lose to me, because I hate being cold (and anyone who knows me even kind of well knows that I'm always cold, all the time, everyday, all day) and Winter months sure as balls aren't doing anything to solve that, plus I feel like shit all the time and hate everybody*.
*maybe not hate, and maybe not everybody, but I am certainly less inclined to patience and understanding during this time of the yearr. 

via K9 Magazine 
It doesn't help, either, that there's always something going on. It's hard to hibernate until the sun comes back when you've got a million places to be all at once. It's exhausting. Excruciating. I just want to crawl into bed with some ginger ale and an endless supply of thoughtful and understated cinematic gems, a variety of well written literature, and a case or two of Argentinian Malbec until next Summer. Screw the Spring. It's still cold sometimes, too.  

I was born in Colorado. From there, my family moved to South Dakota, so I know what real cold is. I know what real snow looks like. 3 inches sure as hell wasn't getting anybody's school cancelled. I've actually been snowed inside my house, unlike most of the people in the Nashville area, so it's a big change. Winters in this part of the country ore apretty mild to that. But even having said that, I don't like it any more. Maybe it's that in a weird way, the Winter is always the end of things. It's an inevitable metaphor for the death of the dates on the last year's calendar.  It's like a big 'fuck you' to all the newness and life of the Spring and the freshness and vibrancy of the Summer. Winter is the worst for Autumn, because in a manner of speaking, Winter's what does it in.

I had a full day shooting with Tony Denning today. We did some high art shots (think Art in America or something you might see hanging at some fancy black-tie showing at such and such's posh gallery). I can't really explain the concept to you, as I have next to no knowledge of the technicalities of experimental photography. All I know is there will be some really intense photos of me, exposed multiple times to appear that I'm layered atop myself, traced in light. It's probably just better if I wait and let you see them after he gets done with the post-work, so I'll just do that. Then, we shot some stuff for a concept series of his that will either scare you to death or blow your mind. Thematically, we'll call it mature, because there is nudity and violence and fear and pain, but the intensity shows and that's the point. It was a really great acting excercise where for 1/gazillionth of a nanosecond, I was pretty sure I was going to suffocate and die. But I didn't. How nice for everyone?

I feel like I should take this time to say that I consider myself to be an artist. It's up for debate because of the broad range of things that people claim as "art" but when I'm working on something, when I'm creating art, I can honestly say that the connection I feel to those of like-mind is unparalleled. I'm in it for the process of creation, which I find to be a very sacred thing. Today, being unlike anything I've ever done EVER and could never really get the opportunity to do again, was one of those sacred things. A holy moment that lasted the full 10 hours of the shoot. That's a pretty good sign, if you ask me.

The images from the second set of photos won't be for everyone, but for the people who see them for what they are, as opposed to what they think they're supposed to feel, I'd say you're in for a macabre treat. I was more than pleased, and that was even before he really got to do anything in the way of post and cleanup. Thirdly, we did some shot playing around with cigarette smoke. I'm calling those the "Bad Cop" set. If you see them, you'll instantly see exactly what I mean when I say that.

If you ever get the chance, work with Tony Denning! Whether it's fashion or art or something else entirely DO THAT SHIT. He's cool and he really knows he's doing. Like, really. Plus, we have the same taste in music, which isn't exactly a rare thing in my life, but always a treat. And if you're in Nashville, do it stat, cause he's moving to Ohio and that's a hell of a drive.

Today, I created a permanent tinyurl for this blog. It's http://tinyurl.com/read-or-perish 

Don't click on that, because OBVIOUSLY, it's not going to take you anywhere but right back here, since it's the link to this blog. Just to save you the trouble...

Monday, December 7, 2009

sweet for this one/breakdown

Jessie Baylin is one of my favorite people in the entire world. She is one of the most beautiful and gracious and talented women I have ever had the pleasure to have in my life. She and I have a lot in common in terms of the way we feel about and express things and I am grateful for that. She gets me. It's rare. For instance, her first album 'Firesight' could easily be the soundtrack to my life over the last couple of years. Every song on that album evokes the exact emotions I've had in terms of understanding who I am and adjusting to another person being a big part of that. As my big sis Kari once said so beautifully, it's the transition from 'me' to 'us.' I guess all girls can relate to feeling that particular way in some capacity. It really is a new way of thinking, though. You don't get to be the center of your own universe anymore. You are now responsible for not only your own happiness, but the happiness of the person you love. It's an object lesson in grace, for sure.
Unfortunately, this song isn't on the album. It is on a love collection from Grandma's Warehouse, which rulz, rulz, rulz, though.

Sweet for this One/Breakdown

Would it be so bad to be with me? I‘m the safest chance you have in this city. When this door closes, I’m not opening it again and you can watch me from a distance. Can someone save me from being his baby? Lord, you know I’m sweet for this one and in the night, you know I reach for this one. Making me bad and please don’t turn me to stone. I’m trying to be good now. I am almost to the point of bailing. Sick and tired of all the words he’s not saying. When this door closes, I’m not opening it again and you can watch me from a distance. Can someone save me from being his baby? Lord, you know I’m sweet for this one and in the night, you know I reach for this one. Making me bad and please don’t turn me to stone. I’m trying to be good now. Is it wrong that I want and I’m willing to give and go back to his arms when they’re telling me how he’s good for nothing else. And I try to ignore, when he’s knocking upon my door. Can someone save me from being his baby? Lord, you know how I’m sweet for this one and in the night, you know I reach for this one. Making me bad and please don’t turn me to stone. I’m trying to be good now. Don’t you know that I’m sweet for this one? Make me bad, but please don’t turn me to stone. I’m trying to be good now. It’s alright if you love me, it’s alright if you don’t. I’m not afraid of you running away, honey. I get the feeling you won’t. There’s no sense in pretending. Your eyes give you away. Something inside you is feeling like I do. We’ve said all there is to say. Baby, breakdown—go ahead and give it to me. Breakdown and take me in the night. It’s alright. I’m trying to be good now…

You can listen to it

Sweet For This One/Breakdown - Jessie Baylin
because mama loves you.

Jessie just got married, by the way. To Nathan, the Kings of Leon drummer. Nashville is abuzz with rock and roll romance and I think it's just the tops.

I love love.
It gives me major hope.

I've got a full day shooting with Tony Denning of Alexander Allen/Tony Focus Photography on Wednesday. I've seen his work and the work he did with Renee stopped me in my tracks. I'm really excited about it, because I've been itching to shoot something creative and unique and believe me, I think that's what's in store. I can dig it. On the 17th, I'm shooting with Leland Coleman of Overlook Photography and we're working on some really fun collaborative ideas. We're still working on the photobook and one of these days, Kayelless and I will get to work on the orange wall vintage idea that's haunting me. So, I'm pretty busy, but I would raher be busy than bored. It's just my nature. And I'm still trying to work out dates to shoot with Jim, Studio KGM Inc., Milestone, DFarrell, Bruce Yonce, Josh Kane,  JCurry, and Rodney
Mickle. Booking is a bitch, but I'm bringing my mom on as my business manager. Seriously....

Can't tell yet if we should be nervous about working together this closely, but it seems like it should be okay.

Love you.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

together we'll sing songs and tell exaggerated stories about the way we feel today and tonight and in the morning.

 I am, by no means, eager to have a baby of an kind any time even remotely soon...BUT, among the few people in the world I can say I'd be willing to give up on that for is Julian Casablancas. I love The Strokes and I love 'My Drive Thru' with Santogold and Pharell, not to mention the song he did with Andy Samberg and his hilarious band of SNL fame The Lonely Island, 'Boombox' is not only really cool musically, but funny. As shit. His new solo release Phrazes for the Young, though. It's beyond gooood.

My favorite track on the album is '4 Chords of the Apocalypse' which, as Coco says (rather crudely), 'makes me wet.' 

If I can break it down any less clearly, I'm sure going to try. When I first got the album I listened to it and I had that feeling you get playing 7 Minutes in Heaven with some boy you really, really, really want to kiss. From start to finish, the music exhilarated me. I recommend it if you're into that sort of thing. Cheap thrills. Mmmm.

I'm not going to share '4 Chords...' with you right now, though. Along with all the other songs, I'm really feeling the song 'Out of the Blue' because it reminds me so explicitly of the love I have for the love I have. Especially when I miss him the most, which is right now and times like it. But the course of love never did run smooth, or some such nonsense.

'Out of the Blue'

Somewhere along the way, my hopefulness turned to sadness.Somewhere along the way , my sadness turned to bitterness.Somewhere along the way, my bitterness turned to anger. Somewhere along the way, my anger turned to vengeance.And the ones that I made pay were never the ones who deserved it, and the ones who deserved it, they'll never understand it. Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a purple basket, at least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket...

How could you be..oh, so perfect for me? Why can't you ignore all  things I did before?

Somewhere along the way, exacting vengeance gave excitement. Somewhere along the way, that excitement turned to pleasure.Somewhere along the way, that pleasure turned to madness. But sooner or later, that kind of madness turns into pain. And the ones that I made pay were never the ones who deserved it. Those who helped me along the way, I smacked them as I thanked them. Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a leather jacket, at least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket. And all that I can do is sing a song of faded glory, and all you got to do is sit there, look great, and make them horny. Together we'll sing songs and tell exaggerated stories about the way we feel today and tonight and in the morning...

How could you be.. oh, so perfect for me? Why can't you ignore all the things I did before?

Take all your fears, pretend they're all true. Take all your plans, pretend they fell through. But that's what it's like for most people in this world. The rich or the poor, Muslims or Jews --when roles are reversed, opinions are too.

That's all I'm gonna say now.
Before they come knocking on my door now.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I am for you.

Alright. Don't panic.
Help is on the way.

I'm trying to get everything in order, but as soon as mark something done, there are two more things to do. I'm okay with living this way for now, but it's very tiring and I would like a real break. The end of the year is coming up and I've got to get a lot of things finished, started, and cleared up before then. We still need some people for our photobook. Guys especially. And you dno't have to be huge or ripped or jacked or whatever. If you look good with your shirt off, that's cool. We're looking for some more diversity in the models or some MAJOR skill MUA-wise.

Cheese and rice this is tough work.

I'm working on a few projects of my own as well as a few things with some local creative-types, too. I had a long and really nice conversation with wildly talented Nashville-for-now photographer, Tony Denning about a possible collaboration. I've got a shoot with Kayelless coming up (looks like this Sunday), although we'll have to see if the other models are free. I'm still trying to set dates and book models and get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there. I would have already gotten someone else to do this if it wasn't my baby, but it is. But people are helping, and as we start running out of time, I'm sure I'll start soliciting help left and right.

Other than that, things are pretty much normal. Well, as normal as they ever were.

'Martini Debris'
by Doug Z
I'm also making Christmas presents. I want them to be meaningful because I'm trying out this new lifestyle choice where I'm not some vapid, shallow 'model' who people only invite places to look pretty and not because they really want my company.
It's my end of 2009 resolution.

I'm going to go to Panera to have lunch, work on sending out the millions of emails that should have gone out yesterday. Find people, book people, work around everyone's schedules, and 'make it work.' I'm so busy I don't have time to think about the time or the distance between us. I prefer it this way in the wintertime.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ugly World of Modeling: Drugs, Rape, Predators, Isolation - ABC News

I remember this happening and getting phone calls from so many people just to "check in" after. People were calling me that I hadn't spoken to in years. It's sad that it's so often death that brings people together again. If we can say anything good has come of it, since Ruslana's death in terms of the way agencies are treating their girls, things are getting better, slowly. I don't know that any of those changes have really been substanital because it is such a physically and emotionally demanding life. The hectic lifestyle is part of it, yes. But what a lot of people don't consider is that models are people who need water and sleep and occasionally a sympathetic ear.

Ugly World of Modeling: Drugs, Rape, Predators, Isolation - ABC News

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

aight den

Tonight was the (RED) party for World AIDS day. I couldn't stay long because I'm still not 100%, but I went for a while. It was fun. There were a lot of fascinating people milling about and there was a good energy all around. Koji pulled some things and brought them over for me to check out. I ended up going with a supermod LBD (little black dress) and red witchpoint flats with red accessories. I have to say, everyone there looked really good. It was kind of a special moment.

I had to come home, though. I'm still on the mend and I don't see any point in making it any worse by overexerting myself. The worst thing is, we've had some really clear nights lately and I sort of impulse bought this telescope, so... but so far, since I've had it, the only times I've felt well enough to get out and use it have been really cloudy nights.

Plus, no matter how clean I actually am, being sick makes me feel really scuzzy. I'm not saying I'm one of those shower every day types, because I'm not...I don't think it's necessary or practical, but that's beside the point. I alway feel gross when something is ailing me. Hella gross.

I've got so much work coming up.I just hope I get better..passable before my next job rolls around. It's been nice to have a week off, but I'm ready to get back to work and I'm booked and booking through the end of the year, so work's kind of flooding in. Aiyaiyai.

Plus, I've missed a week of bootcamp. For those of you who don't know, model bootcamp is a BITCH. it's a ton of hard, hard work because everything's got to be as close to perfect as possible, so they work you in really specific ways on a specific regimen. Imagine missing a whole week of something like that.


In truth, all I want to do is cuddle on a couch and not worry about it.
But I AM worried about it.
Because my work consumes me.
But it could be worse.

photo by Danny Myers
model: me

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I love a good adventure.

Oh, hello my lovelies. Happy Sunday morning!

I've been antsy for the last week, because I've been ill, so I should warn you, this could get kind of...involved. I've spent a lot of time in bed at my parents house with not a living soul to talk to or look at for a staggering majority of the time, so the ranting has built up.

I have a lot to say and no one to say it to. It's kind of a bummer, especially when you're not well.

Living in the country is weird. I mean, the legit country-- where your neighbor's chickens run around in your yard and there are more cows than houses, exponentially. It's great because it allows you to explore. I love a good adventure. It's also nice because of the privacy. There is serenity in it. I've lived in apartments and houses in cities and towns. I lived in houses in neighborhoods, but this one (my childhood home) has the best view of the sky, to date. I can see millions of stars standing in my front yard on any given night and I'd only trade that for a beach at this point.

Sometimes, the seclusion is nice, but I think you could understand where one might go a little stir crazy...

So, I went to the ER, which was ghastly. I sat there in the modern deco waiting room with other people pale and shaking from god-knows-what. I was glad that it was only five hours of waiting as opposed to the eight or ten it easily could have been. Unfortunately, I got a "we'll have to wait and see" rather than a reason for being sick. But it's not so bad today, which is to say 'it's getting better' and if no one else is panicking, I'm sure as hell not going to. No one wants to be that guy.

I'll just take this time to give you some of the advice I actually find to be useful. KNOW YOUR BODY. When something's not right, you can tell. Don't ignore it. Take care of yourself. Don't be a foul, sickly beast...just sayin'. It's off-putting.

One of my favorite girls in the entire world Erin Wasson and I feel the same way about the whole situation. On her closet door in huge black letters are the words "Know Your Bones, Love My Bones" and I couldn't agree more.

As far as everything else goes, I dunno... Since it's that time of year again, I can't think straight since my brain isn't releasing such-and-such hormone due to lack of sunlight. I can't tell how I feel about anything and it's discouraging. I want to cut off all my hair, but the shape of my face begs to differ. It's just that it's so thick and it's so hot that sometimes, I'd really just rather not.

Since I was sick, I didn't get to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner, either. Which was a bummer. I was sick throughout all the days of leftovers, too. No appetite on Thanksgiving...not the best situation to be in.

I'm trying to find some things to distract me from all the things that may not exactly be going my way, so we're adding to the book project and making it bigger. That means we need more resources, but between all the people involved, I doubt it will be an issue.

And then, there's that whole matter of those feelings...you know the kind...for that one person (and how to work around that effectively and efficiently). Uugh.

But whatever, what's happened has happened what's coming is already on it's way.

Monday, November 23, 2009


My mom was a model first. Before I was even born. I got into the whole thing because of her. I'm lucky because she's got the hook up. I admit I wouldn't have had even 1/2 the opportunities I've gotten to enjoy because of this simple fact. She's an impressive lady.
 I inherited her long legs and her natural ability to badassedness in terms of style. Here are some of my mom's photos from
back in the day.
Isn't she a total babe?

(personal fave)

(retro stylings)

(even before myspace, girls knew how to work the angles)

(now you see where I get it)

(thanks for the legz, mom!)

(I have my mom to thank for my eyebrows, too)

(guess who has this dress.)

(music festival)

(*please note how totally creepster the mustachio is.)

Maybe I'll do that half of my genetic code justice.

I ♥ my Mommy.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

about me. (with disclaimer)

Disclaimer: In case you haven't heard, I'm batshit crazy...but you like it. A lot, as a matter of fact.

One can't help but feel a little conceited when they step back and look their life in terms of how many times they being any given sentence with the word "I." Everyone's got a story to tell and while some are undoubtedly more interesting than others, everyone's got something to say. I don't want to be one of those people who spends all my time thinking about I, Me, Mine and not enough time actually doing anything. Those people are ZERO fun. No one wants to be zero fun.

But, I guess people are interested. Enough to read this blog. Enough to email me questions and comments and lurk me up on Facebook and Twitter and Model Mayhem...and that's enough for me. A little interest goes a long way.

I can hear the critics now. "She thought she could use her popularity as a model and supposed artist to pawn herself off as a pseudo-intellectual and sell some ideas. Knowing her and knowing the hard work she put into learning to read, we thought this seemed harmless so we shan't begrudge her an extra two minutes in the light."

Since you can always trust me to be honest with you, my anonymous reader. You are the closest thing I think the world can come to an impartial confidante outside the pen and paper. Someone is listening, and that's all you need to know. I like the idea.

Quasi-Buddhist, neo-transcendentalist, extropian apologist, itenerant artist, general creative, au courant hippie-type, informed citizen, rock and roller by blood, model by trade, actress by nature.

this is what I look like on a regular day. I don't spend a lot of time sprucing up unless I've got somewhere to be. As long as I'm clean and I smell alright, I'm usually good to go. I'm not uptight about myself.
I don't take myself too seriously. I think that's the worst quality a person can have.
I like to be comfortable when I'm not working. I'm a hole-y denim girl all the way. Being glammed up is great, but it's not something I do when I don't have to.
I usually don't even wear makeup on my day-to-day.
After I wash my face, I put on some oil-free moisterizer, maybe some eyeliner, maybe some mascara, and a little chapstick and a tiny amount of clear, shiny lipgloss.
I'm pretty low-maintenence.

In terms of fashion and style: 
A person needs to feel comfortable and beautiful in their own skin.
Everything else will come secondary to that.
You can't develop a sense of your personal fashion if you don't know and love your bones.

I don't know. Maybe I suck. But how does one know if one sucks? I mean, how do you ever really know if you're any good at what you do? The only real gauge of our abilities is the feedback we get from our peers, but they are subject to the same relativist principles as the rest of us. And anyway, masses of people paying compliment to you or your work in whatever form it might take, could indeed be a further indication of your suck-dom! For, isn't it true that the masses are asses?

I have just come to realize that I am a complaining piece of shit. The only things I can think to write about are my numerous complaints and grievances that I am too humble and reserved to speak aloud. I guess I could. Just complain out loud like the rest of the world, I mean. But that would make me feel like the rest of the world. Outward and out of line.

I have always felt that an impartial confidante couldn't exist in a human being. One that didn't charge by the hour, at least. So, I have become something of an introvert who spills the milk to one and only source. The page. The pen. This blog (well, three).  
And how vain of me to do so.

AGE: 23
CLAIM TO FAME:  model, aspiring actress, face of Legacy Apparel and Legacy Fashion Brand
PROUDEST MOMENT, SO FAR: Not passing out when I met (famous fashion photographer) Micah Willis and not dying on the spot when I learned he would be shooting me many times throughout the campaign.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

CHEATING: DON'T DO IT. (free therapy)

The subject of infidelity has come up a handful of times in my life in the last couple of days. It's weird for me to think about cheating on someone. I never have and I don't suppose I ever will. Maybe it's because I was cheated on before I had the chance to let my curiosity/drunkenness/stupidity get the best of me. Maybe it really is because he beat me to the punch (which was his theory, although I can say with some confidence that I had no intention or desire and only very little opportunity, but the point was, I didn't).

I have this friend who was "the other woman" in her current boyfriend's life for a long time. He finally broke it off with his now-ex and got with my friend. It's what she always wanted and it's what she got. What she didn't take into account (and what I fear so many people fail to take into account) is that if he cheated on his last girlfriend of 4 years with her, what makes her think there's something that's going to stop him from cheating on her, current girlfriend of 2 years? I love her, but that's stupid. I went through a lot of things to say to her when she talked to me about his suspected cheating. Part of me wanted to tell her it's karma for sneaking around with him when he was with someone else, but the smarter part of me just told her the truth.

Some people are sleazy. They don't care about other people and how they feel. Those people suck, but they're out there and most of the time, they're the ones everyone wants to be around. They're the worst kind of people because they go around playing games with people and leading them around until they can use them up. He might be one of these people and he might not. Just know that they exist and they're clever.

I never understood people who cheat when it's so much easier to just break up with someone then find someone else. Less baggage. Less drama. Who wants the hassle of dating and lying to two people at once? When someone cheats, they are saying "I don't love you." or, they're saying "I'm so stupid, I forgot I had a girlfriend/boyfriend, and so I picked up a drunk slut at a bar. My bad."

Either way, you should let that person go. Cut your losses. Seriously.
But we accept the love we think we deserve.

That's NOT advice, though. I don't give relationship advice.
I will, on the other hand, share my opinion.

LADIES: please stop letting the guys in your life treat you like bang-maids. there really are guys out there who want to make sure you're happy and fulfilled and enriched in YOUR life, too. Believe it or not, there are actually even guys out there who believe that you will make them happy and fulfill and enrich their lives. Find them. They're good. Stay away from guys who are taken. You can't just have something because you want it...you never know what kind of crazy bitch's home you might be wrecking.

GENTS: please remember not to take the love your woman gives you for granted. if you find someone you click with, just let it happen. don't spend so much time second guessing and doubting yourself and just let that love come to you. don't go off trying to find love elsewhere that you've already got at your disposal. it's wasteful and rude and very un-sexy. Don't cheat on your girlfriends. You can't have something just because you want it, either. You never know what kind of crazy bitch you can create by losing a woman's trust.

ALL: Don't jump to conclusions.Everything little thing isn't a sign that they're being unfaithful to you. Make sure your suspicions are founded and not just accusations. Be straightforward if you're suspicious about your lover cheating on you, but don't get hostile until you know if you have a reason to be. Oftentimes, your suspicions can manifest through projections you have of yourself or the way you've been feeling, so make sure you've thought about that, too.

from Le Love
WORD OF ADVICE: Unless you want to end up on Maury, CHEATING? DON'T DO IT.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I like where this is going (part 2)

My Twitter got hacked. For the record, that kind of thing is not cool. No one wants to be confiused for a robot. And no one wants to be "that guy" who fills up everybody's life with whatever nonsense bullshit they hate having to waste their time ignoring. I know the feeling all too well, believe me.

I missed a complete night of sleep this past weekend and my body hasn't caught back up yet. I've got these horrible dark, anemic circles under my eyes and I can't stop yawning, but I can't go to sleep, because there's still so much I've got to do and get done. It was worth it, though. And even if I never catch up and I have to live the rest of my life like this, it was worth it. It was inspiration. It was like magnetic French poetry. C'est vrai.

I got to see my precious little Zoey E., my first ever niece. She's my best friend's one month old daughter and seeing her makes me want to sing songs. It's weird, because I'm not really a kid-person, exactly, but I like this kid a lot.  She's going to be smart and probably very funny. That's my prediction.Her parents are awesome, which helps. I love spending time with them. It's not everyday you can say you've got people in your life who teach you a little something new every day.  Plus, I got to spend time with some of my boys, my faves after the football game-- and you know I love them.

And him. Mmmm. Him ♥ I can't even begin to say it, so I won't...but if I could, you'd be crazy about him, too.

I filmed a commercial which should be airing next week. I don't know when any better than you do, but it will be on either ABC, NBC, CBS or something. If you see it, sweet. If you don't...well, sorry, I guess. If I actually find out when it's going to air, I'll let you know. I'm just as curious as I know you are.

I also got the shooting schedule for the tv show. We're going to be on location for the entire weekend after Thanksgiving starting at 6am Friday morning. It's basically straight through until wrap on Sunday night. Let the good times roll! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

That Saturday, by the way, we will be needing extras. It's your chance to be in a tv show. I'd say it's a pretty rare opportunity for a lot of people. It's in the Nashville area, so if you really are interested, let me know and I'll get you in on the deal as a personal guest of mine (whatever that means). If nothing else, you'll get to enjoy Kraft services and watch us young whippersnappers try to keep up with seasoned professional television actors.


I'm also getting started on the fashion photobook (which still doesn't have a name!). It's my pet project and it's for a good cause and it makes me feel good to be able to use the very limited set of skills that I do have to benefit someone else in the world. I feel like that's some good karma in the bag, and that's not even the reason I'm doing it (which is most likely more good karma).I'm into the entire idea, fundamentally.

In case you think I'm crazy, I am. But I stick to a very particular set of rules around this time of year. I'm one of those people who is really affected by the change in the weather and seasons and position of the sun. You know the type. Peppy when it's sunny, a total buzzkill when it's gloomy, in a blackened pit of woe when it's storming...okay, maybe not that extreme, but the fall...

The fall sucks the life out of me. It's beautiful and the weather's mostly nice, although it's hard to adjust from the warmth of the summer to the occasional night that chills you to the bones. It's gloominess does something to me, though. So, in order to avoid that, I stay busy. It doesn't allow for me to sit around and eat and watch as my thighs expand to epic proportions. It doesn't allow me to spend too much time inside my own head, whichIi've found to be the fastest place for me to catch cabin fever. It doesn't allow for me to spend too much time feeling sorry for myself for whatever reason. It lasts straight through winter and by the time spring rolls around, we've made it. I just tell myself during this time "There's work to do"

I'm one of those people who needs to have a purpose. I consider myself a very itenerant person. I always want to keep growing and moving forward. I believe in nothing but love and eternal forward momentum.

But you already knew that.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I'm really weird about my teeth

I need a dentist.
and a psychiatrist.

I keep having all these awful dreams because I grind my teeth in my sleep. I've had dreams about my teeth breaking off into jagged pieces, crumbling to dust, and even liquifying and draining down the back of my throat. I'm really freakish about my teeth. Dream interpreters always say that when you dream about your teeth, it's a subconscious need to reevaluate your filter, in terms of the things you let escape your mouth. I don't know about all that, but I know it's not working out for me.

Last night, after the show at the Cannery Ballroom, I had a little photo session with Coco because she liked my outfit.  I really hipped it up with big runway hair, a leopard print jacket, black superskinny pants and a black t-shirt. Not to mention, I accessorized with a gold chain mail clutch and big, square hipster glasses. Dressing should be fun.
I love Coco. She is a model who is getting into photography more seriously lately, but she's also got some really interesting ideas on what makes a photo beautiful. She does very minimal retouching, so she's really specific about the people she photographs. We've been friends for years and last night was the first time I've ever been shot by her. It's a big deal in our crowd.  Here's a little something we did at her brother's apartment in Franklin around 1AM.


So, as you can see, we had a good time. Tomorrow morning, I'm filming my first ever commercial. I'm looking forward to it almost as much as I'm looking forward to having a night off tomorrow night, even if I have to go right back to the grind Sunday morning. We all know how it goes, though.

There ain't no rest for the wicked.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

update. oh, did you want to be a male model?

Hello, my sweets!

Lots to tell, lots to tell. First, I'm going to be working on my first commercial on Saturday. I got the hookup from a friend of mine and I'm excited. I can't wait for you guys to see me on tv! Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!

Speaking of tv, things with the pilot are going nicely. Our producer seems like a really cool lady, although I won't get too much into it right now. Good things are happening.

Halloween has come and gone and even though this year was nothing like last year, it was pretty good. There wasn't any crazy partying like last year, but I actually preferred it when it was all said and done. It was low-key. We got into our share of trouble, too and it was really good fun with some really good people.

I'm working on some art direction for a series of photoshoots for my book, too. I'm not referring to my "book" in fashionspeak, either. I'm referring to a book with pages and binding and whatnot. It's a coffeetable sort of thing and proceeds are going to charity.  I've found some wonderful models to work with (and still looking for models/photogs/stylists/MUAs) to get in on the project. If you're interested...

SPEAKING OF THAT::: I'm looking for a 3 guys to work on something with me. The criteria is that you have to have a cute face and look good with your shirt off. You also have to be okay with me and some other hot girls crawling all over you for the sake of a fashionable picture. That's it. That's all you have to do, so if you're interested, hit me up and I'll let you know if you're what we're looking for. You'll get copies of the photos and maybe some phone numbers, depending on how you hit it off with  the other models.

Tonight: The Whigs, The Features, and The Dead Trees @ The Cannery Ballroom!

the boombox is not a toy.

it's not exactly a secret that i still have the biggest crush on you.
hearing your voice gives me the fucking heebie jeebies.
in the most pleasing of ways.

hopefully i dont f*ck this up
while there's still time to worry about it

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I must really be a mess.

I love all of the people I consider my friends. I even love all the people I consider my friendly acquaintances. The trouble is, some of these friends who claim to have my best interests at heart, like to put me in the most awkward of situations virtually daily. I love them, though. Their hearts are in the right place.

In particular, Sascha (if you're following along, you'll know that Sascha is my 'employer' in that she is one of the owner/designers of the Legacy Apparel brand) and Coco (my mentor in the fashion industry, wife of one of my ex bandmates and longtime friend of mine).

They came over a few nights ago and spent the night with me. That's special because people don't EVER spend the night with me. People don't even really come see me when I'm at home, because I live so far from everything. Every close friend I have is at least an hour away, and in some cases more than that. But they both left the comfort of their beds and their houses and their husbands to be with me and cheer me up because I was sad. We drank wine and talked and organized my entire life. We stayed up all night and slept all morning. The next day, they took me out and introduced me to all these Vanderbilt people and we made heart-shaped hamburgers with avacados and grilled cucumbers and even though it's not particularly "grillin'" weather, it was a good cookout.

They spent a lot of time trying to hook me up with their friend Noah. All they ever do is try to hook me up with people, lately. I must really be a mess. Regarding Noah, I met him a week ago at Coco's birthday party and we got along really well. He's a handsome and interesting and well traveled and intelligent. You would think it would be perfect, but...

Nothing is ever easy. He's into me. I think that's clear. I'm just too...stupid, I guess to be okay with it. To be able to accept that and use it to my benefit. But, I don't really know if I can dig it. Why?

I guess it's something masochistic in my nature. Still, I can't help the way I feel.

I know everyone out there has that one person that messed them up and somewhere, maybe in the back of their minds--, they're still thinking about them. Those people are everywhere. I bet you anything any random of-age person you'd ask on the street would be able to spin you a familiar tale of lost or unrequited love. It's universal.

I have one of those people, too. And even though it's not quite a tale of "love lost" or even unrequited love, it's a story that will eventually (sooner, rather than later) come to an end. I guess the reason it's harder for me is that I'm not ready for that. I don't want to admit I know it's coming, but I stare it in the face while all the signs flash verboten.

He's just so...he's so...exactly what I want (which must be the problem).

We were friends, first and foremost. Then, really good friends, then great friends. And somehow, like it happens sometimes, something changed. I won't bore you with specifics and dates and snippets of conversation (although I know them and could tell you in creepy detail), but the dynamic of our relationship changed and all of a sudden, I loved him and was in love with him. Just like that. Without any warning, whatsoever.

One day, you fall for this boy-- and he touches you with his fingers,
and he burns holes in your skin
with his mouth.
And it hurts when you look at him,
and it hurts when you don't,
and it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.

But nothing's ever easy and for so many reasons, more reasons than I know I'd rather just sit here and be lovesick than try to make peace with the paradoxes in my life.

Plus, being that I see these two women more than just about anyone outside my family, you would think that they would know that I don't really date. I tell them this every time they want me to meet so-and-so or what's-his-name. Because if it's not him, it's no one, and I'm fine with that.  So, trying to set me up on a date isn't something I'm going to receive well based on my nature. I'm not looking to date. I've done the super serious "let's-get-married" thing. I'm not in any rush to go through any of that again. Because, although by no means is my situation now perfect, it's okay for me. I am comfortable with this man who makes me crazy, stupid as hell as it may be. I am happy with him.I love impossible men. And I really do love him. I do, I do, I do.

I must really be a mess.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

SOA:Maggie Siff/"Tara"

Right now, I'm watching Sons of Anarchy, my favorite television drama. It comes on FX on Thursday nights at 10/9C. I really love it. It's got a great story, a stellar cast, and it literally keeps me on the edge of my seat every week. I recommend you checking it out.

Last season when the show began, I didn't much care for Maggie Siff's character, Tara. She's the doctor-girlfriend of Jax (Charlie Hunnam). In the first season, I couldn't really tell how she fit into the lives of all these tough outlaw-types. I mean, what's a pediatrician doing running around with members of a motorcycle club, porn actors, and corrupt cops? But this season, I understand her a little more. I'm starting to see the complexities of her character unfold and I like her. She's becoming a badass. I love it. I'm starting to really see the connection between the characters of Tara and Jax. I can understand where she's coming from. She loves Jax and even though he's not the easiest person to love, there she is willing to do it.

Here's Miss Siff on the red carpet for the premiere of the movie Push earlier this year.
Looking damn good, might I say.

This season, she's getting over some of her fears and letting herself get taken deeper into the life. She shot up one of the porn girl's cars in the parking lot of the studio and it was a truly epic moment. She hasn't been so mild or passive this season. She loves her man and she's willing to do anything for that love. It's really kind of inspiring.

Bad boys make good girls do some crazy things. I love her character for reminding us of that.

So, I take it back, Tara. I'm glad the writers decided to make you real and layered and complex.You add something that the show wouldn't be the same without. Gemma's still my number 1 lady on the show, but you're a very, very close second.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

the misery of love.

The last couple of days have been....well, it's more than I would really care to explain...BUT...

As a sentient being, I like the idea of love. I like the thought of it. I like the notion that something irrational comes and overwhelms the senses. I love seeing people in love. I like the way they look in love. Their whole essence changes. Their aura glows. It's inspiring how both vast and finite the  Universe seems when someone is in love. It's something I've always been a fan of. I love love. I do. But it's not without its troubles, and I'll be the first to admit that.

I love. It's sort of my thing. I love the people in my life. I have been lucky. I know that and I am grateful. I've fallen into the good graces of a lot of people who accept my love and appreciate it. But, then there are those others...you know the kind. They are the ones who claim they don't believe that (or they don't know if...) love is real. They won't give love or receive the love they're offered. They pretend they don't want love. Those are the hardest people to know. But those people are just falling victim to their nature. They're trying to be a certain way and look a certain way and seem a certain way, when really they're just scared to admit that loving and being loved is scary. The scariest. There's no control. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is written in stone. Poor them, because there is no feeling more freeing, more liberating, more electrifying than looking at someone and knowing he/she is looking at you the same way, thinking the same thing. 

Toward the other wnd of the spectrum, I've fallen victim to my nature a few times though, as well. I am a romantic of the hopeless variety, so it's something that happens. I catch myself confusing real love with something I created in my head based on some literary somethingorother or some grand fantasy I've spent too much time thinking and overthinking and building up.

I don't fall in love easily. In fact, falling in love has been quite possibly the most few-and-far-between of all the things I've done more than once. (I've been "in love" twice, although one day I may find that one or both of those haven't actually been love in the way I think I see it right now). It would be nice to think that I've felt that real, reciprocal love that makes the world go 'round, but who can really say for sure?
It's what I want, though. Everyone does, no matter how tough or together or "above it" they seem.

I don't have rules for love. If I did, I wouldn't necessarily suggest anyone take them as "advice," because not giving relationship advice is one rule I do have. As a matter of fact, I don't have many rules, but the ones I have are important enough to take this time to share:

1. Remember to have enough tolerance for two.
2. Politics and religion are topics best designated to appropriate forums.
3. Never give relationship advice (aka, Stay out of other people's bedrooms, literally and metaphorically)
4. Don't cross any line that shouldn't be crossed. Know and respect the boundaries you've made for you.
5. Think before you drink.

So, those are basically the rules I live by, because they're sort of all encompassing.

But everything doesn't fit in the neat little boxes we're made for them when it comes to life and people and they way we are.

(from Le Love)

I want to love, even though I don't always like the way I feel secondary to it. Love brings fear and doubt and insecurities. Yes, love is patient and kind but it can also be miserable and crazy and deafening. Still though, I am not afraid, because I am not afraid of anything.

So, that's it. It's what I'm thinking about right now.



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Model citizen. Badass.


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