Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I must really be a mess.

I love all of the people I consider my friends. I even love all the people I consider my friendly acquaintances. The trouble is, some of these friends who claim to have my best interests at heart, like to put me in the most awkward of situations virtually daily. I love them, though. Their hearts are in the right place.

In particular, Sascha (if you're following along, you'll know that Sascha is my 'employer' in that she is one of the owner/designers of the Legacy Apparel brand) and Coco (my mentor in the fashion industry, wife of one of my ex bandmates and longtime friend of mine).

They came over a few nights ago and spent the night with me. That's special because people don't EVER spend the night with me. People don't even really come see me when I'm at home, because I live so far from everything. Every close friend I have is at least an hour away, and in some cases more than that. But they both left the comfort of their beds and their houses and their husbands to be with me and cheer me up because I was sad. We drank wine and talked and organized my entire life. We stayed up all night and slept all morning. The next day, they took me out and introduced me to all these Vanderbilt people and we made heart-shaped hamburgers with avacados and grilled cucumbers and even though it's not particularly "grillin'" weather, it was a good cookout.

They spent a lot of time trying to hook me up with their friend Noah. All they ever do is try to hook me up with people, lately. I must really be a mess. Regarding Noah, I met him a week ago at Coco's birthday party and we got along really well. He's a handsome and interesting and well traveled and intelligent. You would think it would be perfect, but...

Nothing is ever easy. He's into me. I think that's clear. I'm just too...stupid, I guess to be okay with it. To be able to accept that and use it to my benefit. But, I don't really know if I can dig it. Why?

I guess it's something masochistic in my nature. Still, I can't help the way I feel.

I know everyone out there has that one person that messed them up and somewhere, maybe in the back of their minds--, they're still thinking about them. Those people are everywhere. I bet you anything any random of-age person you'd ask on the street would be able to spin you a familiar tale of lost or unrequited love. It's universal.

I have one of those people, too. And even though it's not quite a tale of "love lost" or even unrequited love, it's a story that will eventually (sooner, rather than later) come to an end. I guess the reason it's harder for me is that I'm not ready for that. I don't want to admit I know it's coming, but I stare it in the face while all the signs flash verboten.

He's just so...he's so...exactly what I want (which must be the problem).

We were friends, first and foremost. Then, really good friends, then great friends. And somehow, like it happens sometimes, something changed. I won't bore you with specifics and dates and snippets of conversation (although I know them and could tell you in creepy detail), but the dynamic of our relationship changed and all of a sudden, I loved him and was in love with him. Just like that. Without any warning, whatsoever.

One day, you fall for this boy-- and he touches you with his fingers,
and he burns holes in your skin
with his mouth.
And it hurts when you look at him,
and it hurts when you don't,
and it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.

But nothing's ever easy and for so many reasons, more reasons than I know I'd rather just sit here and be lovesick than try to make peace with the paradoxes in my life.

Plus, being that I see these two women more than just about anyone outside my family, you would think that they would know that I don't really date. I tell them this every time they want me to meet so-and-so or what's-his-name. Because if it's not him, it's no one, and I'm fine with that.  So, trying to set me up on a date isn't something I'm going to receive well based on my nature. I'm not looking to date. I've done the super serious "let's-get-married" thing. I'm not in any rush to go through any of that again. Because, although by no means is my situation now perfect, it's okay for me. I am comfortable with this man who makes me crazy, stupid as hell as it may be. I am happy with him.I love impossible men. And I really do love him. I do, I do, I do.

I must really be a mess.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

SOA:Maggie Siff/"Tara"

Right now, I'm watching Sons of Anarchy, my favorite television drama. It comes on FX on Thursday nights at 10/9C. I really love it. It's got a great story, a stellar cast, and it literally keeps me on the edge of my seat every week. I recommend you checking it out.

Last season when the show began, I didn't much care for Maggie Siff's character, Tara. She's the doctor-girlfriend of Jax (Charlie Hunnam). In the first season, I couldn't really tell how she fit into the lives of all these tough outlaw-types. I mean, what's a pediatrician doing running around with members of a motorcycle club, porn actors, and corrupt cops? But this season, I understand her a little more. I'm starting to see the complexities of her character unfold and I like her. She's becoming a badass. I love it. I'm starting to really see the connection between the characters of Tara and Jax. I can understand where she's coming from. She loves Jax and even though he's not the easiest person to love, there she is willing to do it.

Here's Miss Siff on the red carpet for the premiere of the movie Push earlier this year.
Looking damn good, might I say.

This season, she's getting over some of her fears and letting herself get taken deeper into the life. She shot up one of the porn girl's cars in the parking lot of the studio and it was a truly epic moment. She hasn't been so mild or passive this season. She loves her man and she's willing to do anything for that love. It's really kind of inspiring.

Bad boys make good girls do some crazy things. I love her character for reminding us of that.

So, I take it back, Tara. I'm glad the writers decided to make you real and layered and complex.You add something that the show wouldn't be the same without. Gemma's still my number 1 lady on the show, but you're a very, very close second.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

the misery of love.

The last couple of days have been....well, it's more than I would really care to explain...BUT...

As a sentient being, I like the idea of love. I like the thought of it. I like the notion that something irrational comes and overwhelms the senses. I love seeing people in love. I like the way they look in love. Their whole essence changes. Their aura glows. It's inspiring how both vast and finite the  Universe seems when someone is in love. It's something I've always been a fan of. I love love. I do. But it's not without its troubles, and I'll be the first to admit that.

I love. It's sort of my thing. I love the people in my life. I have been lucky. I know that and I am grateful. I've fallen into the good graces of a lot of people who accept my love and appreciate it. But, then there are those know the kind. They are the ones who claim they don't believe that (or they don't know if...) love is real. They won't give love or receive the love they're offered. They pretend they don't want love. Those are the hardest people to know. But those people are just falling victim to their nature. They're trying to be a certain way and look a certain way and seem a certain way, when really they're just scared to admit that loving and being loved is scary. The scariest. There's no control. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is written in stone. Poor them, because there is no feeling more freeing, more liberating, more electrifying than looking at someone and knowing he/she is looking at you the same way, thinking the same thing. 

Toward the other wnd of the spectrum, I've fallen victim to my nature a few times though, as well. I am a romantic of the hopeless variety, so it's something that happens. I catch myself confusing real love with something I created in my head based on some literary somethingorother or some grand fantasy I've spent too much time thinking and overthinking and building up.

I don't fall in love easily. In fact, falling in love has been quite possibly the most few-and-far-between of all the things I've done more than once. (I've been "in love" twice, although one day I may find that one or both of those haven't actually been love in the way I think I see it right now). It would be nice to think that I've felt that real, reciprocal love that makes the world go 'round, but who can really say for sure?
It's what I want, though. Everyone does, no matter how tough or together or "above it" they seem.

I don't have rules for love. If I did, I wouldn't necessarily suggest anyone take them as "advice," because not giving relationship advice is one rule I do have. As a matter of fact, I don't have many rules, but the ones I have are important enough to take this time to share:

1. Remember to have enough tolerance for two.
2. Politics and religion are topics best designated to appropriate forums.
3. Never give relationship advice (aka, Stay out of other people's bedrooms, literally and metaphorically)
4. Don't cross any line that shouldn't be crossed. Know and respect the boundaries you've made for you.
5. Think before you drink.

So, those are basically the rules I live by, because they're sort of all encompassing.

But everything doesn't fit in the neat little boxes we're made for them when it comes to life and people and they way we are.

(from Le Love)

I want to love, even though I don't always like the way I feel secondary to it. Love brings fear and doubt and insecurities. Yes, love is patient and kind but it can also be miserable and crazy and deafening. Still though, I am not afraid, because I am not afraid of anything.

So, that's it. It's what I'm thinking about right now.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Art Underground 1 Year Later

Last year, my good friend Mike interviewed me for Art Underground's Fashion Issue. We recently did another interview. Coupled with Rohan's incredible photos, I'd say we came up with a pretty badass spread.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

my sister's poetry (To know me, know this:)

You've heard me talk about Kari. She is the big sister I never had. She is one of those rare people in the world who truly connects with the whole artistic intent of life. She tapped into the creative well and found it hydrating. These are the best kind of people, in my opinion. They know that life and love can only truly exist together on a plane that defies all logic and supercedes all circumstance. Of the few people in the world I think have truly "gotten" me, she's high on that short list.

To know me, know this:

I need to create or I fade inside myself
No one can hold me too tightly
I can bite
Let me be who I am and speak to the world through little circle frames
Let me channel waves and play with them for hours
Let me be naked and paint in the middle of the night with my hands
Let me write about you without you knowing it
I will never apologize for what I must do to be who I am
I am loyal to you but above all, I am loyal to myself
Without any of this - I would never attract you anyway
My aura is thirsty upon that in which I create
My world in which you love, is held up by my passion
The same passion that wants to devour you, ritually
To know me, know this:
Without love, my art lacks... without art, my love lacks

* how fortunate are we who's thoughts are understood when we dont have the words?

Monday, October 19, 2009

the grey area between us (editorial style)

i've got a soft spot for you.
it might be dangerous.
if pushed enough, the 
spot might mold to your inclination.
i thank god for your imperfections.
they remind me, 
keep me at arm's length.
just a few less and i'd find myself
wandering into grey area.

click on the series to get a better look. I'm having resizing issues and it's cutting off a lot of the goods.

model: Jenn (me)
photographer: Rohan

as always, there's plenty more where this came from.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

if the gypsy wants to barter, we'll barter.

I just got home from my shoot with Danny Myers of studio shoots photography. It was a lot of fun and we got a ton of images. It's going to be dificult to choose. Luckily, there is such a range that I won't be bored sifting through the 900-something shots we got. I think you'll all enjoy them when you get to see them out there.

He worked up one photo tonight, so the world can see a little sample of what we made.

The MUA was a lovely girl named Gabby who goes to Paul Mitchell. She won me over the minute she pulled out those intense eyelashes.

I just thought you all might like to see that I actually have been getting things done. As you can see, I'm getting them done in a pretty big way, if I do say so.

I can't wait for you to see everything.

I even shot in  Bill Travilla's original  design of THE most famous dress in Hollywood history -- the billowy, white crepe halter-top dress and sunburst-pleated skirt he created for Marilyn Monroe for the classic subway wind scene in the 1955 Billy Wilder film "The Seven Year Itch."  We didn't recreate the shot, because who would we have to think we were to hold a candle to that? but it's Travilla's original design. There's also some high fashion shots, editorial stuff, commercial shots, and a little bit of boob for your enjoyment.

Don't say I never gave you anything.

love you madly.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

what the fuzz?

As per the norm, it's the night before a shoot and I can't sleep.

nothing good is on tv and I have listened to every Foo Fighters song in my library, most especially the acoustic version of "Everlong" because I get it.

Sons of Anarchy was good tonight. It kept me on the edge of my seat.

It's raining. It's 4am. I'm wide awake, but very tired. It's not working.

Dude, seriously. What the fuzz?

Monday, October 12, 2009

please don't leave me like this, because I wander.

Today was the first day of filming. It's my first attempt at a tv show. In order to avoid giving too much away, I'll not go in to ridiculous details about it, but I'll be sure and let you know if anything ends up anywhere. It was fun, however early and I'm pleased.

The Titans game (season) has been really disappointing. Last season, they were so awesome that I became an insta-fan, but now that I finally understand the NFL a little better, they're 0-5. Ick.I really don't know why Jeff Fisher doesn't just put Vince Young in, but I guess that's why I'm not the coach...although, I would have taken Kerry Collins out long ago. Something, something, something, football, blah, blah, blah.

I'm shooting with Danny Myers for studio shoots photography this week. He takes marvelous photos, so I think it's going to be good. I have a lot of freedom in terms of styling, which I love. We're going for "glamorous" and what girl doesn't love that?

I'm already booking for December, so I've got a lot in the works.

I've been wanting to go out and drink a little and hang out with the people I love and stuff, but I'm too busy. I've got this show, shoots all over the place for all sorts of photographers and whatnot, plus I'm preparing for my impending travels and all that jazz. Not to mention, I've still got all the things I have to do that I don't necessarily want to do. Obligations and all that...

But I really just want to go to a cool party, listen to some good live music, and hang out with people who make me laugh or even just smile.

I kind of want to get drunk and wander around like the good old days, although I'll be the first to admit that is reckless, shenanigan-type behavior.

That's it for now.

unless you want to wrestle.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

the shock of the lightning

Since you're dying to know, I've been busy as f-word, lately. It hasn't been awful, but it has been tiring. Lots of good has come from all the running hither and yon, too. That's the biggest thing.

I shot with Rohan and it was everything I imagined and more. I'm so thrilled with the photos we got. I can't explain it. I'm really happy. I've been so fortunate to work with such talented photographers, stylists, muahs and all that already in my life...I don't know. I'm really lucky. I know that.

I start boot camp tomorrow, too.

Tuesdays: Yoga
Wednesdays: Pilates
Thursdays: Marka (Kostya)'s class
 * for those of you who may remember, Marka was my old trainer a couple of years ago. I love him. He is not married to Abbi, who used to be his assistant and they have a baby named Conor.

I hate boot camp. I hate running. I hate sweating unless I'm having fun doing it. Can't I just substitute the whole thing for tri-weekly dance parties? I'll still do the yoga. Hell, I'll still do the pilates. Just don't make me run.

Anyway, I had a great shoot, so that was cool. After that, I got to enjoy some time with some of the boys. We went to a party where Parachute Musical played and if you feel so inclined, you can lurk on their facebook or myspace or whatever. They're good, so check outski, for real. The party  was fun and informative, like parties always are. I saw some old friends, made some new ones-- that kind of thing. The cops came, though as often happens when rowdy twentysomethings get together in some residential neighborhood filled with real grown ups and try to drink beer and listen to live music. I watched a guy pee on the cop car on our way out, though. So, I feel like we got something back from the whole experience.  There are pictures of the band and the party in Feliciano Photography's facebook album, among others. There's even a picture of the cops, bustin' that shit up.

The shoot on Saturday also consisted of some light nudity on my part. Those photos are really great, too. I just don't want to give any family members a heart attack because my boobs are on the internet. If you are interested in seeing the final products of the shoot, as well as a ton of my other photos, feel free to look at my Flickr photostream.

Here's an example of what you can expect to see:

Nothing inappropriate, nothing indecent, nothing pornographic, so don't freak out.  Take a deep breath and appreciate it for the art of it all. And anyway, it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so while you're at it,

 also, check the new hair. It's good. Adam Campiari and the beautiful, wonderful folks from Dae Salon are to thank for that.

And just because I feel like saying it, The Cleveland Show  is not all that funny, but it doesn't matter because I didn't watch it.

Remember, I'm crazy about you,


Thursday, October 1, 2009

The world at large

I'm listening to my Xbox 360 on shuffle.

Yesterday, Zoey was born. I got to meet her today. She is the daughter of two of my closest friends in the entire world. This is exciting for a number of reasons 1. She's the first baby anyone in our immediate group has had (that we know of, because we're pretty much comprised of 6 guys and 2 girls...). 2. Because babies are cool. They're tiny and cute and even though they poop and puke and stuff, it's not unlike some of the boys have been known to do here in their 20s. 3. She is perfect. I got to hold her and she was cool with it. She wasn't fussy or anything and apparently hasn't been for the whole 28ish hours she's been here on this earth independent of her mom. She's chill, like us.

I will post a picture of Miss Zoey Eleanor tomorrow. You'll love her.

This weekend, (10/3) I have a shoot with Rohan of photominimal photography. He's got some really cool concepts and I'm already in love with the location as it's been described to me. (did I mention he's French-Canadian?) I can't wait. He describes his photos as "quiet," which I would say is accurate, along with "thoughtful" and "subtle" which is how I describe them. I'm not sure who the MUA is, but there is one.

I've also got some upcoming work with Danny Myers of Studio Shoots photography, Grant Lovett and his photography students. Plus, I've already booked for a shoot with Leland Coleman of Overlook Photography for December. Not to mention, I'm working on a concept that will be shot with Jim Oberman of UBU Photography, and shooting for the newest additions to the Legacy collection with resident Legacy photo-duo Micah Willis or Gavin Trump of Micah Willis Photography.

Oh yeah, we're going to begin filming for the pilot, too. And did I mention the Model Call/Party at 12th and Porter this Friday night?
-The Model Call begins at 5
-The Party starts at 9 (it's $5 to stay and party)
It will be fun and there will be good things happening muscially and party-ly.

Somewhere during this, I have to have figure out a good time to have a production meeting, do some laundry, and sign things, locate documents, and other various me-type work things.

For now, I think I'll try to sleep.

If you happen to be feeling neglected, know that I'm still crazy about you. I'm just too busy to do anything about it.


My photo
Model citizen. Badass.


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