Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I must really be a mess.

I love all of the people I consider my friends. I even love all the people I consider my friendly acquaintances. The trouble is, some of these friends who claim to have my best interests at heart, like to put me in the most awkward of situations virtually daily. I love them, though. Their hearts are in the right place.

In particular, Sascha (if you're following along, you'll know that Sascha is my 'employer' in that she is one of the owner/designers of the Legacy Apparel brand) and Coco (my mentor in the fashion industry, wife of one of my ex bandmates and longtime friend of mine).

They came over a few nights ago and spent the night with me. That's special because people don't EVER spend the night with me. People don't even really come see me when I'm at home, because I live so far from everything. Every close friend I have is at least an hour away, and in some cases more than that. But they both left the comfort of their beds and their houses and their husbands to be with me and cheer me up because I was sad. We drank wine and talked and organized my entire life. We stayed up all night and slept all morning. The next day, they took me out and introduced me to all these Vanderbilt people and we made heart-shaped hamburgers with avacados and grilled cucumbers and even though it's not particularly "grillin'" weather, it was a good cookout.

They spent a lot of time trying to hook me up with their friend Noah. All they ever do is try to hook me up with people, lately. I must really be a mess. Regarding Noah, I met him a week ago at Coco's birthday party and we got along really well. He's a handsome and interesting and well traveled and intelligent. You would think it would be perfect, but...

Nothing is ever easy. He's into me. I think that's clear. I'm just too...stupid, I guess to be okay with it. To be able to accept that and use it to my benefit. But, I don't really know if I can dig it. Why?

I guess it's something masochistic in my nature. Still, I can't help the way I feel.

I know everyone out there has that one person that messed them up and somewhere, maybe in the back of their minds--, they're still thinking about them. Those people are everywhere. I bet you anything any random of-age person you'd ask on the street would be able to spin you a familiar tale of lost or unrequited love. It's universal.

I have one of those people, too. And even though it's not quite a tale of "love lost" or even unrequited love, it's a story that will eventually (sooner, rather than later) come to an end. I guess the reason it's harder for me is that I'm not ready for that. I don't want to admit I know it's coming, but I stare it in the face while all the signs flash verboten.

He's just so...he's so...exactly what I want (which must be the problem).

We were friends, first and foremost. Then, really good friends, then great friends. And somehow, like it happens sometimes, something changed. I won't bore you with specifics and dates and snippets of conversation (although I know them and could tell you in creepy detail), but the dynamic of our relationship changed and all of a sudden, I loved him and was in love with him. Just like that. Without any warning, whatsoever.

One day, you fall for this boy-- and he touches you with his fingers,
and he burns holes in your skin
with his mouth.
And it hurts when you look at him,
and it hurts when you don't,
and it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.

But nothing's ever easy and for so many reasons, more reasons than I know I'd rather just sit here and be lovesick than try to make peace with the paradoxes in my life.

Plus, being that I see these two women more than just about anyone outside my family, you would think that they would know that I don't really date. I tell them this every time they want me to meet so-and-so or what's-his-name. Because if it's not him, it's no one, and I'm fine with that.  So, trying to set me up on a date isn't something I'm going to receive well based on my nature. I'm not looking to date. I've done the super serious "let's-get-married" thing. I'm not in any rush to go through any of that again. Because, although by no means is my situation now perfect, it's okay for me. I am comfortable with this man who makes me crazy, stupid as hell as it may be. I am happy with him.I love impossible men. And I really do love him. I do, I do, I do.

I must really be a mess.

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