Friday, January 8, 2010

Holy shit. I think I'm in love.

And maybe it's not fair to call these feelings love, but the intensity is there whatever it is. This isn't really news to anyone and I don't even really know why I'm telling you now, but it's snowing and that never happens here. As is the story of my life, we're on different pages though. I don't even mind that so much, because it's not like I could even see us married, or like longtermming it. To be honest, I don't even know that I could see us dating-- at least, not where we are right now or even where we have been in the past with the exception of key moments here and there. BUT it's been so complicated by our friendship and all those late nights/early mornings that mixed up my brain in the first place. I hate it because I had the control for a long time and something weird happened in the new year and it slipped through my fingertips.

Lucky me, I made peace with the tortured artist thing a long time ago. It's who I am. I know what to expect. Just because you're into someone enough to make you feel like you might go crazy, doesn't mean you have to go crazy. No matter how much you like another person, you have to like yourself more than to let someone have that much power over you. That's my philosophy and it's kept me from stalking, or serial killing, or even freaking out, thus far. So..I'd say I'm doing alright.

I'm fine, you know? Just changed in many ways. I'm lost in a head that's not my own again. I appear to be a statue of something good. When I go up I go too high and coming down, I'm like an ash, who knows where I'll land? Before I go far away, will you hold me close and maybe then I'll stay, eh?  I'm fine, you know? Just changed in many ways. I watched the steam rise off a broken heart. I never felt such sympathy. In waves they come and go and I shut down because it's easier that way. Before I go too far, will you hold me close and maybe then I'll stay, eh? There is a way that I'll survive. I'll jot it down so you can hear how my story ends. Before I go too far away, will you love me? Maybe then, you'll understand. It feels like I've opened the gates to a lonely Heaven. -j.b.

I shot with Jermaine of Milestone Photo. It was awesome. It was 10 degrees and we were shooting outside in fields and in parking garages and all these other outrageously freezing cold places. Got some good commercial and fashion stuff and rocked it (as usual). I've only seen one shot after post from it so far, and now you've seen it too (above).

This weekend, I'm shooting with Bruce Yonce. Our last shoot got cancelled, but we'll show them!

I'm just going to stay busy until everything I need to do is done. By that time I'll be dead or dying, most likely and I won't have time to let the winter (and all that it implies) bring me down.



Nevita said...

Keep my fingers crossed.
Hope for happy love :)

miss kari said...

"crazy love"

Yes, you are doing very well. And I'm happy for you, always, dear sister.


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