Saturday, January 16, 2010

Everywhere I go I'm a tourist. But if you stay with me, I'll always be at home.

Just hours, now. No more days to hide behind. I am terrified. I'm not too proud to admit it. I'm shaking in my boots. But I have to do something. Forget money and fame and all those things that would be nice. I'm not so selfish that I can't differentiate between what's real and those little notions we've created for ourselves. If it comes, word. If not, well... I'm sure I'll have some other cool stories to tell. Ultimately, I want to be a part of something relevant. If someone remembers me years down the line, I want them to think overwhelmingly good things. I'm not saying I'm anybody's saint. I'm not. But I'm trying to be the best person I know how to be. I don't know how to be anyone other than me.So, it seems logical that I might want to like myself. I do finally. I can't just sit around thinking about me all the time anymore. It's too exhausting. I get lost in a head that's not my own and I start to think I'm more important that I actually am. We all do it, I'll readily admit that. But I refuse to get caught up in that. Life is deeper. We are deeper.

I won't get all space-girl on you, but we are sentient beings with the ability to do good. I don't know why we're here or how we got here, but I know we're here. We can choose to do what we want with that information. I just so happen to choose love.

Recently, I made a couple decisions about my life that I think you might be interested in knowing. It's not much, but it's a start. It's been a year now, since I graduated from uni and it seems I'm mostly on schedule. I will still be doing quite a bit of traveling this year, even if the earthquake has depleted the Vancouver apt-search fund by nearly 1/2.
My itinerary will take me to a lot of places in the US and Canada and to Europe. I'm looking forward to it because I have never traveled alone, per say. There's always been some handler of some sort until now. Until 23. But...it's time. I spent more time working this past year than I did the entire time I was in high school and college combined. I scored some pretty big jobs this year, too.

Paying back student loans and hospital bills (my only true expenses) isn't really helping my cause, either. But, luckily I do have this really great job and I work fairly consistently. I realize I'm much luckier than most. If it weren't for this job, I would never get to do even half of the incredible things I'm so lucky to do, or see some of the amazing places I'd otherwise have to join the service to get to. I know I'm lucky. I'm grateful. I know modeling sounds really glamorous and exciting and it is. I'm not even, like... rich and famous and I think it's the best. But it's also really hard, which most people don't understand. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because obviously, I'm not. I'm just saying that even though it's not physical labor (all the time) it's not all "stand here and smile, sit here and look serious" either. It can be really lonely and that can be tough on a little girl.

And you spend so much time alone. Hotel rooms, planes, driving here, going there...it's not easy. But I really wouldn't have it any other way (except maybe with some company)... everywhere I go, I'm a tourist.

So anyway, I'm ranting now, but I'm really nervous. How am I supposed to prepare myself for what I might see and smell and feel and have to do? I guess I probably can't, but I'm done with so much philosophy. Now, it's time for action.

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