Thursday, January 21, 2010

not maybe. yes or no.

Alright. We all saw this coming and I'm not going to pretend I didn't know it was coming, too. But the words are here and who am I to begrudge them their moment in the light?

There's a lot of back-story and you and I both know nothing kills a show like too much exposition, but it's necessary in order for you to understand everything that's happening. There are a lot of fun facts about me that not many people know. I compartmentalize. Ask anyone. I think it's important to keep everything in its right place in order to function healthily and with a minimum amount of overlapping worries. I'd like to share some of those things with you now. I'm pontificating. I do that. Just by using that word, I think I'm proving that to you.

I am very much a middle child. Classic middle child. Well, classic-military-brat-middle-child, which might be a little less conventional. I can and often do function completely independent of everything and everyone because attention is so often elsewhere. Early on, I had books. I think my writing style and speaking style...awkwardly...is a testament to that. I am a naturally itinerant person, which has to be as a direct result of it too. I can't sit still and I feel like I always have to be doing and moving and going. The gears have to be rolling or my brain will atrophy. Because of this, I'm lucky to be a natural observer. I watch people. I like to learn their nuances and memorize their body language and familiarize myself with their territory, especially if I like the person. Vivid detail is almost an eroticism, if you ask me. It can be a sensual situation if handled correctly. I don't mean sexual, although I see where that could also apply. There's just something cosmic about the whole idea. The power to evoke memories about the people in your life-- the way they sound, the way they smell, they way they fidget when they're nervous...all of it. I love it all. I get the other end of the middle-child spectrum, too. I constantly feel starved for attention. I think I'm a pure testament to that. I'm the poster-child for attention starved actress...on paper or with words mostly. It's easier that actual drama, because no one else comes along to steal your thunder. It's something to think about. Instead of being a horrid, wretched beast-bitch, just go write down everything and sift through the good and the bad on your own time. It's my philosophy. Plus, because of the way I feel about other people (totally into them) I'm not a fan of confrontation or dramatic events, so I actively avoid those situations. I get panicky in those moments and it rarely goes well.  My career choices and the fact that I'm a Leo (whatever that means) all point to it, too. I don't see any point in denying my nature, and that's definitely it. I embrace myself for what I am.


Please, can you just take a moment to imagine what my parents must have thought when my older brother went away to college to be an artist and I went away to become an actress of the stage?!?! I bet they had a serious WTF moment that night in their jammies. Luckily, I hail from artists. And the whole artist community is a testament to nepotism in action, isn't it?

"Artists raise their kids differently. We communicate to the point where we probably annoy our children. We have art around the house, we have books, we go to plays, we talk. Our focus is art and painting and dress up and singing. It's what we love. So I think you can see how artists in some ways raise other artists." -AJ

My parents are both veterans of the usaf and somehow both thrive today with a nice balance of the hippie mentality and the practical professionalism of successful so-an-so's in their late 40s. They're not staunch military types, although they do demand a certain level of respectability, which I think is a good philosophy for anyone. They're both good looking, which is nice (score one for us kids!) But they love art and thinking and deep discussions. They think about things and talk about things and aren't afraid to go there. I admire that about them. We're really real with each other, my family. No bullshit here.

My brother is an artist. He's an incredible cartoonist  and sculptor with a very weird view of the world. He's one of those guys who is good looking and knows it. He's comfortable in a room and can handle awkward situations very well. I learned this from him. For most of my childhood, my brother and sister were the only other kids that were ever really around. We had some neighborhood kids and school friends that came in and out of our lives, but we were basically it...

...well, that's not true. There were ALWAYS boys around for my brother to play with. There was never any shortage of boys anywhere we lived. That probably explains why I get on so well with the rougher sex. I feel more comfortable, because I paid attention in all those Psychology classes and I know guys see things more broadly than women. You don't have to worry about the details so much and I like that.  It wasn't all boys all the time, though. I remember Jessica and Jennie moving in next door in early elementary school and it being perfect. Jessica and I were even in the same second grade class. What?!?! Fuggeddaboutit, instant best friends (and I'm glad to say still friends to this very day!). There was a while when I was a little bit older that I lived down the road from Linda and Christy who I haven't seen since 8th grade.

My sister, the baby, had cerebral palsy. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Hers is fairly severe, I suppose because she's never been able to walk or talk or feed herself or anything like that, but she's not unhealthy. And her mind is fine, she's just kind of trapped in there. Man...what that must be like. She's my best friend, even though I think she's a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm allowed to because she's my little sister. I love her, though. More than anyone I've ever met up to this point. We're only a year and a half apart in age, so I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if she had grown up with the use of everything and no problems, so to speak. But that's not what happened.

t's weird because sometimes people look at us with that awful Christian pity that you sometimes see. The "Bless your hearts" and "Lord have mercies" but those people really missed the mark. My family is awesome. Everyone in my family is messed up in their own special way. My little sis is just so good on the inside, her going on had nowhere else to go but outward.

Plus, she's the most adorable kid you'd ever see. Without any exaggeration, she looks like a live action Anime character. I would post a picture of her, but I don't want you to stalk her....just kidding, I don't have one on this computer, but I will.

Since I grew up with a kid with special needs in my family, and since we were the girls, close to the same age, I learned to take care of her just by spending time with her. I got lucky because we get to share girl time together, listening to Justin Timberlake (her faveski) and looking at pictures of cute boys (this has always been our favorite past-time. ask anyone.) I also learned the caregiving stuff. It came naturally because it's my sis, but I also had to learn how to do certain other things (post surgery care and home-nurse type duties). Since I was about 12 or 13, I've been learning this stuff. So, it's been 10 years. That's why I got to go to Haiti. I got to go because I have years of experience working directly with kids in unique situations with varying degrees of physical health. It just so happened I knew a guy who knew a guy who makes things happen and with our powers combined...a scary ass flight to an indescribable place on a little ass plane. It's pretty simple. You know? And people always ask, "why don't you just go to nursing school?" and I say, "because I'm an actress."

This is pretty random, but I thought I'd tell you a little something about me you might not know. I'll let you in on the compartments one at a time because I'm having a moment of existential panic where the realization sets in that the ephemeral is all there is and all there will be..
j

1 comment:

Mar said...

Government Research / Funding Scandal

CAMH / Brock University / Privacy Commissioner of Canada

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