Thursday, January 14, 2010

remember that depth is the greatest of heights.

I got some late night free therapy, which I sometimes need, and I want to share it with you. I don't know if you can gleam some sort of meaning or usefulness from this, but I hope you can. I did. I don't know what to say, other than it did something to me that I can't explain. I've been torturing myself's my least attractive quality, I think. Somewhere along the way that turns to worry and somewhere along the way my hopefulness turned to sadness, then bitterness, then anger, then vengeance. Then somewhere along the way, exacting vengeance gave excitement, somewhere along the way that excitement turned to pleasure,  then to madness, then to pain.  You see where I'm going with this? But I realized something along the way, too. I realized that I own it all and it's who I am. I'll take it.

Julian Casablancas gets it.

Go after him. Fuck! Don't sit there and wait. Don't even listen to me when I tell you it's stupid and a waste of time. What do I know? Go after him because that's what you should do if it's love. Don't ...wait for them to give you a sign because it might never come and then, you will never know.
There are people you might have loved had they gotten on the plane or run down the street after you or called you up drunk at 4am because they "cannot regret this" and you ALWAYS thought you would be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest. GO SCREAM IT and be with him in meaningful ways, because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is. That is raw and that is unguarded and that is YOU and that's all that is worth anything, really.

Something inside me has changed. Somehow, my attitude has changed. I'm walking taller (I'm grateful I can walk at all) if you see where I'm going. I feel new in a lot of weird ways. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and its scary and I don't have a clue if I'm  actually prepared, but here we are. Here it is.

I'm going to do some relief work in Haiti. I'm not worrying about anything other than getting there and helping. I don't know what it was, but something inside me clicked when I heard about the quake. I had to go. I have to go. If there's anything I can do, I'm going to do it. That's my new philosophy on life. I heard about it and instantly thought, "if my biggest problem is that the guy i like likes me enough, but not enough theeeen... I am a complaining piece of shit." I'm better than that, though. I just needed some perspective.

I don't want to regret anything and I never want to be stuck with 'what if?'
I vow to live and love and that's it. There isn't anything else.

And if I make it out alive, I'll just be thrilled to be so lucky.

When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king. What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight, and he'll win the whole thing before he enters the ring. There's no body to batter when your mind is your might. So when you go solo, you hold your own hand-- and remember that depth is the greatest of heights. And if you know where you stand, then you know where to land, and if you fall it won't matter, because you'll know that you're right.

FiFi gets me, too.

all photos by Jermaine Wallace for Milestone


Katie said...

that was beautifully written! you rock!

jenn said...

thank you, Katie. I checked out your blog and really dig your work!


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