Monday, February 15, 2010

crushes on boys, or- I am still young and foolish, but what an exciting time to be alive!

So..how are you? I just got out of my second tortured and beautiful (ambiguously termed) relationship. So, maybe I'll start really writing again. What do you think? I don't know. Really. I don' t have the time to make everything nice like I would want to. I still write out shit on paper all the time, but I don't know. It's different now because I think my overall tone has changed. Ever since I deleted the old Myspace, it's been harder to really decide on a appropriate forum for all that bitching I do about my broken heart. Brandon doesn't believe there is such a thing as an impartial confidante, at least not one you don't have to pay by the hour. I agree with him wholeheartedly. Plus, I always just feel like a complaining piece of shit with all the tortured artist stuff. I'm probably as tortured as anyone else with a similar nature/nurture situation to my own, but I don't think its out of hand or anything.

I'm kind of scared to put everything out there again. Like, I don't want to look at the ugly parts of myself long enough to acknowledge them. Do you think that makes me a coward? I don't know. But I also know now that the world is full of empathy and shared experience. Mass consciousness. I can dig it. Everyone has some person who's screwed them up, but still grinds their heart to powder. It's everyone and I feel better knowing that we're everywhere. Some people can handle that. Some people can't. After all, it is a very intense situation to be in. I think I can handle it, even if it's one of those epic bummers.

Lately, a couple weeks out of my last love affair, I am seeing all the bullshit that went on and completely hating him and myself, while still not hating him at all. I am exasperated with myself for putting up with it, either way. I mean, it's kind of stupid when you can look at the situation you're in and point straight up at, like, 10 super fucked up things that happened and didn't have to. I was totally the girl defending all the bullshit and I'm not sorry for that. Love makes that happen from time to time. I think I learned a lot in that situation. But still...what assholes we got to be about everything!

But there were still those times, too that felt like watching a horror movie in reverse, all the carnage disappearing and we would sometimes end with a perfect, idyllic town. I wonder all the time if those moments were worth it. I think they were. I like to think they still are. They definitely are.I can say, though that when it was bad, it wasn't that bad and when it was good, it was great. But our time is almost definitely over, and I guess that's alright with me.

I am determined to write more than just love stories. After all, there are so many other things I do.  Even though he wasn't, I always felt like he was older... even though he isn't. I felt like he was more together, even though maybe he's not after all. That's, I guess, where our problem was. I thought pumping out unconditional love and devotion would change the mind of someone who either really didn't want it or doesn't believe in it.  But I always felt like he was so much better at everything, living, loving, getting older. Then again, maybe I was the one who was better at it and maybe that's where things started to head in a different direction.

I can't be mad. I'm trouble. Especially for him. Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward to that place, though. Instead, I am still young and foolish, but what an exciting time to be alive!

I hope your Valentine's Day was nice and that you smiled a real smile at least one time. 

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