Like everyone, I feel small and alone and afraid sometimes. I get lost in my head and I can't seem to find a way out. Like anyone, I doubt myself and I question myself and I get caught up in thinking I'm crazy. I let other people convince me that I'm being irrational and that the way that I feel is just the result of some personality disorder I've got to find the self-awareness to work through. Fuck those people, though. They are toxic. I get caught up in worrying about making else happy and I forget that it's impossible unless I'm happy, too. First. It sounds selfish and I hate that, but it took me a long, long time to even like myself enough to get to where I've gotten. I can't stop now. I've always tried to surround myself with people I feel enrich me and that idea. I've always tried to surround myself with people of like-mind. Even the ones who don't understand let me be who I am and let me love them for who they are. In spite of it, sometimes.
Lately, I am having a very hard time believing in love. It sounds so dramatic and macabre, but I'm really starting to reach a point where I've got to be a better Christian/Buddhist/Hindu and I can't keep fucking around with these boys and this alcohol and these sketchy 23 year old things....except I am 23. But much older, too. I'm supposed to be over acting like this. I'm supposed to be over feeling like this. And yet, here we are.
Attraction really gets people acting crazy, doesn't it? People start to get it in their heads that they've found that thing in someone else that perfectly compliments that thing in themselves. They start to feel like maybe they've stumbled across this one person in 7 billion with whom they might have found a life filled with laughter, touching, bliss and joy.
~I could have notebook jam packed with ideas. You would do beautiful things, fun things, smart things. You will hide your eyes in pride and embarrassment as I perform something outlandish for the crowd. We will make heaps of money. We will each become famous for our respective works, as well as our work together. Most of all, we would fall into bed at night happy and exhausted and convinced that this is a good thing for us. Not to mention deliriously happy and totally in love.
...but then again, why in the world should we think that we're so lucky to have already met that one person out of 7 billion that with whom we could have that life? Especially at 23 (my age), but even at 43 or 63, or that we would live to see it, because the statistics are really just not in our favor. Probability doesn't support it. Science disagrees.
And then, you have to wonder about the Universe and the balance between science and that other force that's out there. God, Allah, Buddha...you get the idea. I have seen people deliriously happy and in love. I have seen people make it through hard, hard times and still go to bed knowing that they love and that they are loved. Completely. Unconditionally. Without pause. Science completely disagrees with that, but it's real. It defies logic, but I've seen it with my own eyes. I've felt it, or at least the beginning stages of it. I'm starting to understand it, unconditional love. It has to be bigger than just one thing. There have to be deeper, truer, realer connections than all those ephemeral things. There's got to be something magnetic beyond just the physical or even the emotional. There's got to be some kind of soul connection. That means there's got to be a soul. That means there's got to be the ability to love selflessly, with no expectations of any kind in return.
To give love, real love exists.
Where though, because I am so curious to know!
Until real love happens my way, I'm going to practice really loving. Really, truly loving with no expectations of anything in return. I'm already off to an okay start.
Stand back and watch me self-actualize.