Wednesday, March 31, 2010

we all want to see me as the face of an international cosmetics brand, right?

Friends, I have the opportunity to be the new face of Wet & Wild cosmetics, but I need your help. If you could, take the .000678 seconds it takes to vote  and I’ll love you until the moon’s upside down.
I might even make it worth your while. We can make out, and you can take pictures.
You can vote by text message
VOTE FOR ME. (It’s Free, so you’re not out anything but a 30 second text)
Text: YMX6HP
to:53037 to be the new face of Wet & Wild. I’m in the semifinals and if I win…I’ll make out with everyone who votes. You could even take a picture of it if you wanted
because I really do love you a lot

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I am a city that never sleeps.

I was sitting there, on the floor, trying to unsync and reconnect all my social networking addictions' notifications to my cell phone when it hit me.

Like two tons of bricks.

I've been busy and I apologize. I'm booked straight through until the end of this month and I've got auditions, castings, fashion shows, photo shoots, dinnerviews, and pose coaching -- not to mention, since my sister's been sick, I've been taking care of her since I have the most flexible schedule of anyone in my entire family (which kind of rules) but can be days and days and weeks at a time, all by itself.

So, I am a city that never sleeps. I'm young and healthy and strong like bull, so you know... I can handle it.

I'm starting to get a reputation as a tough girl. I don't know why that is, because it's really not all that true, but whatever. I'll kick an ass or two if it comes down to it, I guess.
I can't sleep, ever. I don't know what it is. No matter what I do, I clock in maybe 4 hours a night. I don't even party and go out like I used to. I can't explain it. But I've been more productive and busier, so it's all working out right now.

I have: been doing some thinking...about everything and I think that after the month of April is over and I get a little "break" I'll have plenty of time to rewire my transmitters. At any rate, I've begun to reevaluate myself, my life, my thoughts, my beliefs so I can scrap all of the failed things from before. I'm going to abandon all those things that haven't worked for me in the past. After all, with repetition will inevitable come demise.
Before, I got caught up in doing  things in the pursuit of happiness. Now, I have a philosophy regarding happiness that I'm going to share.

Think about being Happy. And I mean the type of happiness that cannot even be properly presented with merely a capital letter. I mean happiness in the truest, most divine sense. I was just thinking of how...sometimes, I am happy. And I think it goes hand-in-hand with love, but loving ones' self.

I think the first step to happiness is realizing that the groundwork is already there. Most people will never realize that. They will think it's hogwash, they think it's shit, shit, shit! They don't want to believe they can be happy. They call it a myth or something for someone else. Bullshit! If you have ever smiles, once, you are ready for it.
Why are people afraid to be happy? Why is there all this bullshit that we need to accomplish something, buy something, be with someone, to be happy? I have never been so confused about anything than this. Happiness is right there. It's within reach. And, yet, we let television, movies, and books convince us that happiness is way over there in another person or thing. Here's the BIG SECRET that they don't want you to know: the only thing you need is yourself and the things that make up you.
Being happy with another person is grand. It's fun. It's worth the time. It's worth the pain in the end. Hmmm...but being happy solely based on another person is dangerous. It's rocky. It's not worth your time. It's all pain in the end, Heaven forbid. This is why people say you have to love yourself before you can love another person.
And they're right, really. And if you think you can't love yourself, then of course, you wont. I just wish people realized that they control their own opinions. You can make yourself love anything, just as you can make yourself hate anything. You have "free will"...fucking use it. You're wrong if you think everything is just haphazardly thrust upon you and that you have no choice but to accept it. You have the choice. You can take everything as you will, but as long as you're negative in the head, you will always take everything at its worst.
Every moment alone will be an excruciating loneliness. Every moment with someone will be fear for when they leave. Every bit of happiness you have available will flit on by like a moth and you watch it, ans 'Ho-Hum' about it, and wish it was yours. Well, it is. I just wish people would fucking grab it! I'm sick of people basking in their loneliness and it's time I shed a bit of light and truth to the subject.
Do you really need to accomplish a certain task to be happy? Do you really need to know a certain person and read a certain book? Do you have to wait a certain moment to cast a smile? The task is existing. The person is yourself. That book is whatever you're reading now. That moment is now.

It's one thing I hope everyone is afforded the opportunity to experience (or your equivalent) in your lifetime. life is far too precious to let anything hold you back from enjoying every second that is allotted to you. Mental constraints and inhibitions are nothing but mere distractions from the glory of living your life and being happy in the process. Happiness is key. essentially, it is what makes us go out and do everything that we do...not? Think about it this way. In the pursuit of happiness, people latch on to a myriad of things and they're not all positive, But, the original force ...that thing that scares us all into action to begin with is ultimately the same. We strive to be happy in everything we do, and I think that's a very important part of living your life. i think it's important to think about yourself and think about what you want, because when it gets right down to it, no one can make the important decisions for you, and ultimately, only you will live your life. So, basically, if you let people take change of who you are, you are lessening yourself to a shell of what other people think you should be.

Life  is the only real gift we receive, and what we plan to do with it is solely our decision. I say, enjoy every single second because after a while, you will look back on it and you will either see that you've made it worthwhile, or that you've accomplished little, in retrospect.

So, to all of you, live your life as though you had vitality brimming the cup. Don't let anyone or anything (family, friends, your own mind) hold you back from getting what you desire, being with who you love, or doing what you want. Just keep in mind that you are the only one who will live your life and if you let other people control you, you'll have to deal with the consequences that other people deserve.

Now, get back to work.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Who is your biggest style influence?

Allison Mosshart if we're talking day-to-day. I think I'm probably my own biggest influence, because I wear whatever i want, mostly.


Friday, March 26, 2010

What brought you to our Blog?

I stumbled across it whilst hitting the "Next Blog" button Blogger. I gave it a look and saw a lot of things that made me smile.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

I don't know how to tell you this...

but I want to curl up beside you. we can do whatever you want as long as the end result is being tangled up with you.

my feelings are moving backward. But that's the price you pay for excellent wine.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I got 99 problems, and bitches are problems 2, 7, 9,54, 69-82, and 90.

First things first, I've got a TUMBLR now, because tumblr is hip. digital scrapbooking is all the rage, didn't you know?

I told you I'm walking for Margaret May in the Southern Women's Home & Garden Show, right? Well, I am. April 8 @ 2:00pm at Bridgestone Arena (formerly The Sommet Center)
 Margaret May Designs
Atlanta Fashion Week

I'm excited because I love her designs. I mean, I have a major style crush on her, so it's especially nice for me to be able to actually wear the clothes, you know? Plus,  I love fashion shows, but I never get to walk anymore because I'm so busy all the time. That's going to change, though because I am finally getting the luxury to be able to focus a little more on my career what with being a year our of college and doing pretty well for myself (if I may say so). 

I'm also trying to deal with the annoyance of sketchy and/or flaky photographers in Nashville. It's pretty frustrating because the fashion community is very new and still growing, so there aren't a ton of photographers available to shoot fashion with the skill that you might find in some of the bigger markets. And I keep running into flakes. 
Like, on the perpetual...

I got 99 problems, and bitches are problems 2, 7, 9,54, 69-82, and 90.

Plus, I have all sorts of other problems, but I'll spare you my woe-is-I and tell you I want to jump your bones. 

Groove  to some music by MGMT today. Preferably in your underwear. It's guaranteed to make you smile. 

Love you, love you, love you!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Paper Heart

My baby sis and I watched the movie Paper Heart today. I hadn't seen it, although it came out last year. It was written by (director) Nicholas Jasenovec and (actress) Charlyne Yi and also stars Michael Cera. It got some nods at the Sundance Film Festival (winner- Waldo Salt Screenwriting Award & nominee- Grand Jury Prize). 

I've been in sort of a weird place in terms of love, so I think this movie did a nice thing for me. Not just because I've loved Michael Cera since Arrested Development, but also because I think it's possible that some of those interviews were really what I needed to hear....
Mostly, because I, as is the norm, find myself in a complicated love.
But I think it is real love. 
It's been reaffirmed in a weird way by this day.
it also shows me that love is deeper and more complicated than anything we can express in words. The people in this movie tried, though. I think they did a good job. 

All of my feelings about love come from movies and fairy tales---then, I grew up and learned that life is nothing like that. The thing about love is that is has to be on both sides. There are evolutionary influences, sure and biochemical influences, but there's a little magic in there, too...Love is about giving what you've got and not asking anything for it. SOMETIMES, YOU'VE JUST GOT TO LIVE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. EVEN IF IT HURTS SOMETIMES, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE RISKS. 

love is:

  • worth working for and fighting for
  • learning to overlook certain shortcomings

that's all I've got so far. But I'm working on it.

Plus, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, so that's something to look forward to.

Hope, right?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

was that a phase, or is this? or, to the writer, nothing is sacred

I have so much fun imagining what your world must be like when I'm not in it. I like to think of the adventures you might be having and the memories you may be making. I don't know why I take comfort in that, but I do. I want to meet every person you know - everyone you've ever come into contact with, every member of your family past and present, your old teachers and doctors, the Croatian man who serviced you at the post office, girls who admire you from afar, been rejected by you, hate your guts, see you for exactly what you are. If I could meet them we would talk about you and I'd stitch all these thoughts and opinions together so I know why I can't stop thinking about you. I know that whatever fantasies I think up in my head, they are nothing like what's really going on in flesh and bones. That's  probably for the best. The exciting people I dream of you meeting were never even born in this world...and still, it comforts me in a weird way. I would be curious to know how different or the same things are for you when I'm near you and when I'm not.  Knowing would defeat the purpose, but there's enough mystery as there is. I think it's because I spent so much time sensationalizing you to myself. I don't know why I did that, exactly. I think I was just at one of those points in my life. Feeling extra literary or romantic or something. Or maybe I just do that.
Maybe that's it.
I think I believe in the mass creative consciousness they talk about all the time. why else would The Illusionist and The Prestige have come out at basically the same time and have you seen those movies???
So, I think maybe it's not me, just and that there's that one person everyone has who messed them up or shook them up, or branded their brain/heart.  They're everywhere. We're everywhere. Am I right? I feel better knowing that because it reminds me I'm not half as bad as I thought.

The appeal is most likely that it's so easy to write you. With very little effort, I am able to use you as a shell of a character or a thought while I'm working. You've inspired a lot of my most creative works from poetry, to plays, to paintings. I don't know why that is, either.

Even the things you've done in real life were so easy to arrange into words. You were always interesting and entertaining, even when you were being reckless or mean or scary.  Who could blame me for writing about you? That's what writers do. They write. And to the writer, nothing in sacred.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Who's your favorite musician?

at the moment, Bill Withers. It may sound funny, but I've never heard a song by Bill Withers I didn't like.

Whatcha Got?

Monday, March 15, 2010

this will all blow over in time.

Everything I do and everything I am is in relation to love. It's my ultimate goal. To love in the truest sense. Selfless love. Unconditional love. Real love. I don't know in what form that love will manifest itself, but I think it should probably be pretty interesting. Call me a thrill seeker, I'm very much into the adventure of it. So, basically I'm practicing on everyone I know. I'm trying to love first and let everything else come secondary and tertiary to that. I'm not trying to pretend I'm some amazing, excellent, selfless person. I'm not saying I'm anybody's saint, I'm not. But I'm trying to do good and be good and love and be loved. That's it.

The first time I ever thought I was in love, I was in high school. I was very young. I met someone who I thought was simply beautiful, if not a little misguided. And it turned out, he thought he loved me, too! What are the odds? We stayed together for more than 6 years, which is a really long time, especially so young. As we grew older, something happened as so often does in real life. I don't know. We changed, or we learned, or we grew, but we came to find that we weren't actually in love at all. Back then, it seemed like what we were feeling had to be love, but it's funny how time distorts things.

I couldn't imagine living that life now. I don't think there's any way anyone would be happy. I am so different now and that life has no appeal. Maybe that's what they mean when they say "coming of age." I suppose we didn't so much love each other as the idea of each other. The situation of each other... we were both young and smart and creative and good looking, all the know? But we didn't have the one thing we needed to really make it.  And God, we were so young.Yikes. It's sad to me now, because I don't like the idea of looking back on my 'first love' as a failure. It feels like a betrayal of everything literary in my deepest recesses. But it is and it was. I learned a lot and it helped me to be who I am today, and I like this girl a lot, but she is nothing like that girl from back then. Nothing like her. It's actually kind of wild to think about. It blows my mind a little bit. I can't say it enough; how time distorts things.

I have had love affairs since then. I've dated wonderful and intriguing boys and men who I found to be utterly fascinating. I have dated terrible boys and men who used and abused and took and took and took without so much as an afterthought. I have been treated well and badly and been made happy and been hurt. I know these feelings. I am not afraid of them. I don't feel like I could live my life that way. In fear.

I think that makes me special. I can't be sure because I can't speak for anyone else, but from what I've seen, too many people are too scared of that stuff. They let it debilitate them. The fear of being hurt makes people lock up. I don't know if that's self preservation and if it's just a quality I'm lacking, but I think it's a cop out and I don't think living like that can really make a person happy. Then again, what do I know? I don't know shit.

By no means do I want to feel pain. I want to be happy and in love and be able to smile and kiss and hold hands. I want all the good things, but I recognize that all the bad things are there, too. All those terrible aching feelings and tears and sadness and longing and distance and pain...all that is a part of it. That doesn't scare me.

I've never been so arrogant that I would think that I am somehow so special that I should be able to find my true love so young. I'm not so delusional that I would even expect to meet someone out of 6.8 billion who is perfectly perfect and compatible with me. I'm not crazy. But I am in love. It's not particularly healthy or romantic, but it's love. Simple as that. I've learned some excellent lessons from this love, too. I've learned that sometimes, you can love someone best from afar.

I'm okay with that too, because I do not doubt that somehow, after some time, I'll grow up some more and I'll become a whole new girl all over again and want different things and this time in my life will have no appeal to me. This, I can handle.

That's why I am not afraid to love unabashedly. This will all blow over in time.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

What song do you want played at your funeral?

I want someone to play "Body in a Box" by City & Colour. I also want them to replace the name "Johnny" for "Jenny" although no one's really called me Jenny since junior high.

Whatcha Got?

And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing? And how safe it is to feel safe!

(click to listen)
So let's face it, this was never what you wanted, but I know it's fun to pretend. Now blank stares and empty threats are all I have. They're all I have. So drown me if you can, or we could just have conversation and I fall. I fall, I falter, but I found you before I drift away. Now, you still speak of day old hate; though your whole world has gone up into flames. And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing? And how safe it is to feel safe! So drown me if you can, or we could just have conversation and I fall. I fall, I falter, but I found you before I drift away. The things we do just to stay alive.

The things we do just to stay alive.

The things we do just to stay alive.

The things we do just to keep ourselves alive...

-Dallas Green/ City & Colour
"Day Old Hate"

Monday, March 8, 2010

springtime out the van window

 I am a million miles from home tonight.

listening to: blackbird by the beatles

I'm conceptualizing for a photoshoot for NFC. I am also on the road shooting a fashion campaign, so I am working huddled in a dim corner on a laptop, instead of my own comfortable chaos at home. I have only been gone 30 something hours and I already feel like going home will be like going to a place I've never been before. It's always like that for some weird reason. 

Times are strange. Very, very strange.  I'm on Tumblr. I think I mentioned that once before. 

That's basically a running update of my life in photos, quotes, what-I'm-doings as I'm doing them. 

Ahh, technology.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I feel like a lover out on the ocean.

Lyrics | Strokes lyrics - Under Control lyrics

When Julian Casablancas writes songs, I think he's somehow extracting thoughts from my head.

This is the song for the day. And a good day it was.

a young soul in a very strange world

I told you before that there would be more photos from the House of Style chairty swimwear calendar for Wounded Warriors, right? I know I did. As a matter of fact, I did so here  in case you think I'm lying. Well, the second photographer has sent some images through the pipeline you might be interested in.

photos: Don Claussen
MUA: Ms. Kas
Hair: Courtney Crigger
for House of Style TN
These are just a few, but like I said before, I shot in this look with 4 different photographers, so I'll not weigh you down with too many repetitively themed photos (although I know you love it).

in other news:
Lots of opportunities have presented themselves to me, recently. I've been half-assedly looking for a grad school, and I thought I was sold on one way, way on Canada's west coast, but there's a possibility I might stay in Nashville and do the 2 semesters it will take to get my Master's of Arts from Vanderbilt. 
There are a few reasons for this:
  1. For those of you who know me, you know I have a little sister who is my best friend in the world. You might also know she has Cerebral Palsy and can't walk or talk. She wasn't supposed to live past 3, but she showed them, because she's newly 22. We found out 2 weeks ago that she also has a heart murmur. That wasn't terrible news, because I have a murmur too and I'm mostly okay, but then last week, after an ultrasound and tests and trips to the Doc's office, we found out she apparently has "severe aortic stenosis" which is not a good thing. If you're the praying type, her name is Kristiana (Kris-Tee-Ohn-Uh). If you're not the praying type, that's still her name. **No one expects anything to happen, but it's something new we have to watch out for and it does heighten the possibility of something happening.
  2. I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't need to run away so bad right now. I've never hated living here, and I've lived here a really long time. Another year won't kill me. I used to
  3. It's more financially sound to wait one more year and then move BECAUSE I'm working steadily and paying bills as a model in Nashville. Not a lot of models around here can say that. Most everyone else has to have some other job, but I've apparently found a market that embraces my "look" and that's not going to come easy anywhere. It didn't even come easily here, but I'm finally at that point (after 9 years working as a model, already).
  4. I have a problem with homesickness. It's not so much about missing being home, but I do miss people horribly when I'm on the road, which is becoming increasingly frequent, as it stands. One week and I start to text people in the middle of the night about how much I miss and love them. It sounds sweet, but most of my friends are very much Dude kinda guys, so they don't think it's as sweet as it is. I have a really cool and hip family, too. I don't think I'll be able to find four other people who are obligated to love me anywhere else and I think that's the right number.
what else?
I just found out I'll be walking at the Southern Women's Show for Margaret May Designs and for her again on down the road. This is great! I love this, because her designs are KILLER and I am craving the runway like it's that rock. You know the one. 

Speaking of the Southern Women's Show... during this time, I'm going to be attending casting for other designers including Jonathan Kayne Gillaspie from Project Runway. In case you didn't know, he's one of ours, too. He's actually from Hendersonville. If you know what that means, you'll know why I find it significant. 

Not just that, they're choosing the new face of Spell Cosmetics then, too. 
Wish me luck, eh?

I'm also in the running to shoot a campaign with Penguin in NYC and will find out how that goes at the end of the month. Later on, if I continue to advance, I'll be soliciting your votes, so be prepared for that.

Oh, and my bottom right wisdom tooth has started to grow in again. I have room in my mouth for my wisdom teeth, which I know, is rare. I only have them on the bottom, anyway. The point is, they started growing in when I was 14. I'm 23 now, in case you didn't know. 

And it sucks.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

old photos of live music

The best thing about Nashville, in m opinion is the excellent music we get to enjoy. There are a lot of hot bands/musicians to come out of Nashville. Not just country music, like a lot of people think. We have all sorts of stuff going on from Kings of Leon to Ke$ha.

I see a lot of music. I go to a lot of shows and get into a lot of bands and am filled with hometown pride when I hear The Pink.Spiders/Matt Friction or Paramore or AutoVaughn or American Bang or Danielle Bloom or Parabelle or Butterfly Boucher or Elle KinkAdor or even Framing Hanley or whoever is doing anything worth mentioning, because they are mine. I can claim them because if you're in the music scene in Nashville, you know we're all one big family.

Ask anyone.

Come to Nashville if you've never been. You're in for a good time.

here are some pictures I just found on my bro's computer of an old KoL show where the Whigs & We Are Scientists opened at Municipal.

It's always fun when bands come home to play while they're on tour. Those shows are always the best.

This was a really great night and if I may say so...I never really realized how much of a babe Keith Murray was until just now. We Are Scientists are coming back to Nashville to play at the 5 Spot and I'm going to see if I can hit that....maybe. Hahaha!



My photo
Model citizen. Badass.


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