Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I am a city that never sleeps.

I was sitting there, on the floor, trying to unsync and reconnect all my social networking addictions' notifications to my cell phone when it hit me.

Like two tons of bricks.

I've been busy and I apologize. I'm booked straight through until the end of this month and I've got auditions, castings, fashion shows, photo shoots, dinnerviews, and pose coaching -- not to mention, since my sister's been sick, I've been taking care of her since I have the most flexible schedule of anyone in my entire family (which kind of rules) but can be days and days and weeks at a time, all by itself.

So, I am a city that never sleeps. I'm young and healthy and strong like bull, so you know... I can handle it.

I'm starting to get a reputation as a tough girl. I don't know why that is, because it's really not all that true, but whatever. I'll kick an ass or two if it comes down to it, I guess.
I can't sleep, ever. I don't know what it is. No matter what I do, I clock in maybe 4 hours a night. I don't even party and go out like I used to. I can't explain it. But I've been more productive and busier, so it's all working out right now.

I have: been doing some thinking...about everything and I think that after the month of April is over and I get a little "break" I'll have plenty of time to rewire my transmitters. At any rate, I've begun to reevaluate myself, my life, my thoughts, my beliefs so I can scrap all of the failed things from before. I'm going to abandon all those things that haven't worked for me in the past. After all, with repetition will inevitable come demise.
Before, I got caught up in doing  things in the pursuit of happiness. Now, I have a philosophy regarding happiness that I'm going to share.

Think about being Happy. And I mean the type of happiness that cannot even be properly presented with merely a capital letter. I mean happiness in the truest, most divine sense. I was just thinking of how...sometimes, I am happy. And I think it goes hand-in-hand with love, but loving ones' self.

I think the first step to happiness is realizing that the groundwork is already there. Most people will never realize that. They will think it's hogwash, they think it's shit, shit, shit! They don't want to believe they can be happy. They call it a myth or something for someone else. Bullshit! If you have ever smiles, once, you are ready for it.
Why are people afraid to be happy? Why is there all this bullshit that we need to accomplish something, buy something, be with someone, to be happy? I have never been so confused about anything than this. Happiness is right there. It's within reach. And, yet, we let television, movies, and books convince us that happiness is way over there in another person or thing. Here's the BIG SECRET that they don't want you to know: the only thing you need is yourself and the things that make up you.
Being happy with another person is grand. It's fun. It's worth the time. It's worth the pain in the end. Hmmm...but being happy solely based on another person is dangerous. It's rocky. It's not worth your time. It's all pain in the end, Heaven forbid. This is why people say you have to love yourself before you can love another person.
And they're right, really. And if you think you can't love yourself, then of course, you wont. I just wish people realized that they control their own opinions. You can make yourself love anything, just as you can make yourself hate anything. You have "free will"...fucking use it. You're wrong if you think everything is just haphazardly thrust upon you and that you have no choice but to accept it. You have the choice. You can take everything as you will, but as long as you're negative in the head, you will always take everything at its worst.
Every moment alone will be an excruciating loneliness. Every moment with someone will be fear for when they leave. Every bit of happiness you have available will flit on by like a moth and you watch it, ans 'Ho-Hum' about it, and wish it was yours. Well, it is. I just wish people would fucking grab it! I'm sick of people basking in their loneliness and it's time I shed a bit of light and truth to the subject.
Do you really need to accomplish a certain task to be happy? Do you really need to know a certain person and read a certain book? Do you have to wait a certain moment to cast a smile? The task is existing. The person is yourself. That book is whatever you're reading now. That moment is now.

It's one thing I hope everyone is afforded the opportunity to experience (or your equivalent) in your lifetime. life is far too precious to let anything hold you back from enjoying every second that is allotted to you. Mental constraints and inhibitions are nothing but mere distractions from the glory of living your life and being happy in the process. Happiness is key. essentially, it is what makes us go out and do everything that we do...not? Think about it this way. In the pursuit of happiness, people latch on to a myriad of things and they're not all positive, But, the original force ...that thing that scares us all into action to begin with is ultimately the same. We strive to be happy in everything we do, and I think that's a very important part of living your life. i think it's important to think about yourself and think about what you want, because when it gets right down to it, no one can make the important decisions for you, and ultimately, only you will live your life. So, basically, if you let people take change of who you are, you are lessening yourself to a shell of what other people think you should be.

Life  is the only real gift we receive, and what we plan to do with it is solely our decision. I say, enjoy every single second because after a while, you will look back on it and you will either see that you've made it worthwhile, or that you've accomplished little, in retrospect.

So, to all of you, live your life as though you had vitality brimming the cup. Don't let anyone or anything (family, friends, your own mind) hold you back from getting what you desire, being with who you love, or doing what you want. Just keep in mind that you are the only one who will live your life and if you let other people control you, you'll have to deal with the consequences that other people deserve.

Now, get back to work.

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