Monday, March 15, 2010

this will all blow over in time.

Everything I do and everything I am is in relation to love. It's my ultimate goal. To love in the truest sense. Selfless love. Unconditional love. Real love. I don't know in what form that love will manifest itself, but I think it should probably be pretty interesting. Call me a thrill seeker, I'm very much into the adventure of it. So, basically I'm practicing on everyone I know. I'm trying to love first and let everything else come secondary and tertiary to that. I'm not trying to pretend I'm some amazing, excellent, selfless person. I'm not saying I'm anybody's saint, I'm not. But I'm trying to do good and be good and love and be loved. That's it.

The first time I ever thought I was in love, I was in high school. I was very young. I met someone who I thought was simply beautiful, if not a little misguided. And it turned out, he thought he loved me, too! What are the odds? We stayed together for more than 6 years, which is a really long time, especially so young. As we grew older, something happened as so often does in real life. I don't know. We changed, or we learned, or we grew, but we came to find that we weren't actually in love at all. Back then, it seemed like what we were feeling had to be love, but it's funny how time distorts things.

I couldn't imagine living that life now. I don't think there's any way anyone would be happy. I am so different now and that life has no appeal. Maybe that's what they mean when they say "coming of age." I suppose we didn't so much love each other as the idea of each other. The situation of each other... we were both young and smart and creative and good looking, all the know? But we didn't have the one thing we needed to really make it.  And God, we were so young.Yikes. It's sad to me now, because I don't like the idea of looking back on my 'first love' as a failure. It feels like a betrayal of everything literary in my deepest recesses. But it is and it was. I learned a lot and it helped me to be who I am today, and I like this girl a lot, but she is nothing like that girl from back then. Nothing like her. It's actually kind of wild to think about. It blows my mind a little bit. I can't say it enough; how time distorts things.

I have had love affairs since then. I've dated wonderful and intriguing boys and men who I found to be utterly fascinating. I have dated terrible boys and men who used and abused and took and took and took without so much as an afterthought. I have been treated well and badly and been made happy and been hurt. I know these feelings. I am not afraid of them. I don't feel like I could live my life that way. In fear.

I think that makes me special. I can't be sure because I can't speak for anyone else, but from what I've seen, too many people are too scared of that stuff. They let it debilitate them. The fear of being hurt makes people lock up. I don't know if that's self preservation and if it's just a quality I'm lacking, but I think it's a cop out and I don't think living like that can really make a person happy. Then again, what do I know? I don't know shit.

By no means do I want to feel pain. I want to be happy and in love and be able to smile and kiss and hold hands. I want all the good things, but I recognize that all the bad things are there, too. All those terrible aching feelings and tears and sadness and longing and distance and pain...all that is a part of it. That doesn't scare me.

I've never been so arrogant that I would think that I am somehow so special that I should be able to find my true love so young. I'm not so delusional that I would even expect to meet someone out of 6.8 billion who is perfectly perfect and compatible with me. I'm not crazy. But I am in love. It's not particularly healthy or romantic, but it's love. Simple as that. I've learned some excellent lessons from this love, too. I've learned that sometimes, you can love someone best from afar.

I'm okay with that too, because I do not doubt that somehow, after some time, I'll grow up some more and I'll become a whole new girl all over again and want different things and this time in my life will have no appeal to me. This, I can handle.

That's why I am not afraid to love unabashedly. This will all blow over in time.

1 comment:

J.e.Raley said...

thank god i love you =]


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