All of which is to say, no one touches you. My life is full of beautiful moments and sweet boys, but nobody even comes close. I can't believe how fucked up everything got, when you sit down and dissect it piece by piece. I miss you and I want you in my heart again. I want to be telling you secrets and stories, listening to your adventures, even if they get mundane over time. I want to be the one appreciating you, because we both know no one would like I would. And then, you make me so mad that I just want to scream and break things and say a lot of mean and terrible things I know I wouldn't mean. Weird how that's still so irrationally the case.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I think it would be fuller with you in it. More interesting. More of an adventure. I know it would, because that's what its like when our powers combined.
I love you. I love you. I love you. And I hope you're learning a great deal and having a lot of amazing times.
I'm 23. A few years older now than when you met me, but so much older in so many ways. I think and say things like "I'm good at loving" and I have long conversations with boys and men, all of them wanting and offering. Then, I think about you and I feel like a total fool. Like I've been sliding along the surface, playing at something, staying in the shadows. But it wasn't just me, so at least there's that.
Because I am good at gesturing at love, but obviously terrified of the intensity that comes with.
So, if we really are all alone, at least we're together in that .
And still, I can feel you moving around in my brain. Yours is a stature I want to memorize.
If you were here, I would try and convince you to come under the covers with me. I'd try to block out everything in your arms or otherwise try and be a part of some romantic moment with you. A really good one. You know, the ones that can be few and far between but sear their way into your memory for the long-term. I would do everything in my power to shut off everything and everyone for just a little while to exist only where I want to be. It would never work out, but still I wish you were here to try and fail with. My brain aches with missing you.
I think I've probably said that before.
I am impossibly nostalgic right now. I am also nervous and excited at the prospect of seeing you again when we've both grown up some.
It's hard to reach out across such a humongous silence. And there's the consistent annoyance of these boys I see every day, people who want me when all I want to think about is you, wishing one of them was you because I'm so selfish and its easier on me.
Sometimes, warm days depress me. I feel like you of all people would understand this. It's like, if its cold or dreary, no one expects your life to be a Doublemint commercial, but how can you reconcile a shitty mood with a beautiful day?
Lately, I feel you pushing at me, in the corners of my mind like fingers through fabric.
I sort of hate it, because I don't really have the time to lament. I'm too busy to miss you like this, and yet...
here we are.
photo by Bruce Yonce
models: (me, left)Jenn and Christie(right)
MUA: Sarah King
*with special thanks to Brenda Marlowe of House of Brejil Designs and Sascha Morello of Legacy Brand Clothing Co.