Monday, April 19, 2010

if we really are all alone, at least we're together in that.

Some days, life is simple. I've been having insomnia lately and waking up early. I think if you were here that wouldn't be true. Every new person I talk to has a corresponding level of intimacy, as compared to you and I, you know what I mean? It seems like the people I meet barrel along and it's all exciting and adventurous at first and then something happens. I don't know. Everyone's attention span seems too short for me. Or maybe mine's too short for they who cannot seem to hold it. Maybe it is me, some. Maybe some things I do betray me to my constant nervousness or they sense within me my basic unworthiness. Who knows?

All of which is to say, no one touches you. My life is full of beautiful moments and sweet boys, but nobody even comes close. I can't believe how fucked up everything got, when you sit down and dissect it piece by piece. I miss you and I want you in my heart again. I want to be telling you secrets and stories, listening to your adventures, even if they get mundane over time. I want to be the one appreciating you, because we both know no one would like I would. And then, you make me so mad that I just want to scream and break things and say a lot of mean and terrible things I know I wouldn't mean. Weird how that's still so irrationally the case.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I think it would be fuller with you in it. More interesting. More of an adventure. I know it would, because that's what its like when our powers combined.

I love you. I love you. I love you. And I hope you're learning a great deal and having a lot of amazing times.

I'm 23. A few years older now than when you met me, but so much older in so many ways. I think and say things like "I'm good at loving" and I have long conversations with boys and men, all of them wanting and offering. Then, I think about you and I feel like a total fool. Like I've been sliding along the surface, playing at something, staying in the shadows. But it wasn't just me, so at least there's that.

Because I am good at gesturing at love, but obviously terrified of the intensity that comes with.
So, if we really are all alone, at least we're together in that .

And still, I can feel you moving around in my brain. Yours is a stature I want to memorize.

If you were here, I would try and convince you to come under the covers with me. I'd try to block out everything in your arms or otherwise try and be a part of some romantic moment with you. A really good one. You know, the ones that can be few and far between but sear their way into your memory for the long-term. I would do everything in my power to shut off everything and everyone for just a little while to exist only where I want to be. It would never work out, but still I wish you were here to try and fail with. My brain aches with missing you.

I think I've probably said that before.

I am impossibly nostalgic right now. I am also nervous and excited at the prospect of seeing you again when we've both grown up some.

It's hard to reach out across such a humongous silence. And there's the consistent annoyance of these boys I see every day, people who want me when all I want to think about is you, wishing one of them was you because I'm so selfish and its easier on me.

Sometimes, warm days depress me. I feel like you of all people would understand this. It's like, if its cold or dreary, no one expects your life to be a Doublemint commercial, but how can you reconcile a shitty mood with a beautiful day?

Lately, I feel you pushing at me, in the corners of my mind like fingers through fabric.

I sort of hate it, because I don't really have the time to lament. I'm too busy to miss you like this, and yet...

here we are.

photo by Bruce Yonce
models: (me, left)Jenn and Christie(right)
MUA: Sarah King

*with special thanks to Brenda Marlowe of House of Brejil Designs and Sascha Morello of Legacy Brand Clothing Co.

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