her life on display

formspring.me

2011-04-20T01:38:00.001-05:00

? http://formspring.me/jennlblake

preview :jenny by noah mccomb

2011-02-21T14:16:00.000-06:00

photo/styling by Ernie Passwaters

2011-02-02T14:24:00.000-06:00

http://www.erniepasswaters.com/

photos by Danny Myers; styling/model- me

2010-08-26T00:36:00.000-05:00

Illuminating You Fashion Show

2010-07-24T09:32:00.000-05:00

I will likely be updating constantly about today's fashion show on my Twitter.

It's at Avenue 9 (312 9th Ave. South--The Molyneux building) tonight and if you still want to come, you can get your tickets at from The House of Brejil

just fyi.

Hermitage Vogue

2010-06-29T01:11:00.000-05:00

me, at the waterfall

in series form.

all photos by Bruce Yonce

MUAH by Raquel Bandarra

styling by DeWayne McKnight & Reggie Overton

click on the photos for an even closer look.

various, different, me.

2010-06-19T01:22:00.000-05:00

photo by Randy Harris

photo by Patrick Collins

photo by Jim Oberman

photo by Danny Myers

photo by Jim Oberman

photo by Greg Thomason

photo by Michael Miles

2010-06-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to be making a mostly permanentish move from blogspot to tumblr. I already have a blog and it's easier for me to post there than here (because I can do it very simply from my mobile phone). Please feel free to take a look when you're wondering what I'm up to.

I'll still be updating here, only I think it's going to become exclusively for professional pursuits.

At War With Myself - if you REALLY want to see my life on display.

cold medicine.

2010-06-04T14:32:00.000-05:00

I have a sinus infection. I tried denying it, but I'm afraid facts are facts. This is no good. I am literally on the go nonstop until Bonnaroo, then Bonnaroo itself, then back to work immediately with not a day off until the 21st. So, screw you sinus infection ONE day of allergies (Monday) and I've already got a sinus infection (Friday), which I've pretty much had for 3 days. This kinda thing isn't right.

But feeling like crap somehow motivates me to get stuff done. Probably because I spend a lot of my sick time in bed, which usually means on the computer. ~~Most of the time, I'm doing constructive things when I'm on the computer.~~ Well... when I'm sick, for some reason I like still getting things done. I don't know what I'm talking about. These pills have made me loopy. I just hate being sick. Probably more than most people, although I guess there's no real way to know for sure.
It's the worst.

Despite being sick, I've laughed a lot to day.

and that's really all that matters when it gets right down to it.

Here are some random pictures of stuff :

I took these

(top, A Rhino; bottom, A Rhino Pooping)

makes me laugh. a lot.

it must rule to be so rich you can just have peacocks running around on your patio.

just saying.

ultracute picture of my bro & I when we were bambinos. before my sis was born.

And that's that, sports fans. Hot tea and steam are calling my name.

summer lovin'

2010-06-01T12:44:00.000-05:00

photo: Greg Thomason

MUA: Jennifer Hardwick Duffy

I've never watched a full episode of Sex in the City. I haven't seen either movie. If someone came up to me and said 'That is sooo a Carrie Bradshaw thing to do,' the allusion would likely be lost on me for a moment, or two. I even had to IMDB Sarah Jessica Parker's name to be sure it was actually Carrie Bradshaw in the show.

That is completely irrelevant to the remainder of this message:
I've been working nonstop and I'm excited (the very most excitement possible) about summer fashion shows and Atlanta Fashion Week and Bonnaroo in a FEW DAYS and summer fun, jetsetting, swimming, and SHORTS. I love shorts. And playing the woods. Those are kinda my new things.

Here are some photos I took with a local photo club last Thursday. I shot with some of them (plus some others) again yesterday, and you guys are going to love, love, love it. I'm calling it now.

photo: Ash Li

photo: Danny Myers

Anyway, I love the summertime and I'm glad it's found its way back to us again.

A Weekend in Wonderland

2010-05-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

I told you I was going to be busy, and I am. I'm about halfway through about 2 and a half weeks of work without a technical day off. The ONLY thing that has gotten me through it this far is that I happened to have a weekend of jobs booked in the town where my besties happen to live. I'm not going to deny doing that on purpose so I could see them. I'll just tell you about the last couple of days because they're pretty much the interesting ones.

FRIDAY: I was one of the girls lucky enough to walk in the Pink Elephant show, by the incredible and oh-so-sweet Truly Alvarenga. The inspiration for her new collection is a very whimsical Harajuku idea and I love it. The colors are vivid and rich and the garments (dresses, tops, bottoms, swimsuits) are really bold and beautiful. They make you have fun. And who doesn't love to have fun?!?! That's right. No one. Everyone loves fun. Not even the grumpiest, oldest curmudgeon in the world could deny. I also had a good time and met a lot of beautiful and wonderful people. All the models were all so nice, and the event people were so helpful, and the glam squad was so great...believe me, that does not always happen. I didn't meet one rude, bitchy, snarky, or unpleasant person the whole night. Even the parking attendant was nice. I think the universe was doing me a favor because I had really bad cramps. It's just a theory, but a pretty good one, I'd say.You're welcome for that tidbit of info. We were adorned with absolutely gorgeous jewelry by Haley Luffman & Dawn Craft of Chaud Chic Couture.
You can see some of the photos from the show at the amazing, talented, and cute as a button photographer Ariana Jordan's blog, here. She's based out of Knoxville. If you're in or around there, work with her immediately.

I'll be posting photos as I get them, so be on the lookout for that. It will please and surprise your eyes, I think.

And you know that's what I'm going for.

It's like, completely what I'm about.

SATURDAY: I shot with Jim Oberman of UBU Photography for the 2nd time for the Nashville Fashion Collective. You can take a look at some of those HERE, unless you want to wait, in which case, I'll be posting those as I get them as well. I styled myself and did my own hair and makeup (I'm trying to branch out, because I think its important to be well-rounded). Based on the previews I've seen, there will be some nice, nice, nice ones. He's a great photographer, so I don't doubt it at all.

Also, Saturday night my buddies Geist played a...benefit show... more people should know them, because mark my words, they're good. I suppose they would best be described as an altrock/funk band with jazz influences... but I think that they just play what they like because they're all music people in the truest sense. It's music you can both dance and groove to. The best kind of music if you ask me. Plus, one of the aforementioned besties is in said band, so there's that.

SUNDAY: Another shoot for The Collective. Ed Bodnar was our photographer. We had the lovely Ms. Raynetta Smith styling and Ms. Kas, one of my favorites, as MUA. The models were myself, as well as the very beautiful and amazing ladies, Autumn Ramos Lindsey and Danielle Dobbs. It was 98 degrees (like that ill-fated boy band from the 90s) and we were HOT, but we were lucky enough to enjoy a breeze every now and then and sometimes, it's like that. I think you guys are going to really love those, too. It's the Romantic spring shoot I mentioned briefly some time ago.

And I got to spend some time with my favorite people, too. And watch some Yo Gabba Gabba. And if you've seen the episode with MGMT, I want to shoot in a room like they painted in the "Art is Everywhere" song. Bad. YouTube it if you must.

All in all, I'd say this weekend was a resounding success.
Thanks for being a part of it.

please don't book me for the next two weeks. and if you do...

2010-05-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

your idea better be INCREDIBLE. Here's why:

in the next 2 weeks, i'm looking at:

5 shoots, 2 shows, 2 rehearsals for shows, 1 meeting with a rep from Element Models in Atl (in Atlanta), a fitting, a graduation party, a doctor's appt, and at least 20 hours at Legacy, plus we're doing a lot of work on the book, which is taking up every single bit of free time I had. My working days are usually about 15 hour days, on average. My mom and I figured that out this week.

tough life, eh? but you know I can't complain. I have the best job in the world and a pretty great life to go along with it.

Upcoming
photoshoot: Jim Oberman
photoshoot: Jermaine Wallace
photoshoot: Gavin Trump
photoshoot: Jenny Kai
photoshoot: Will

fashion show: Pink Elephant designs
fashion show: ReCon

rehearsal: House of Brejil designs
rehearsal: ReCon Walk-Off

As a matter of fact, if you're in the Nashville area (or want to be) on May 21st, come out and check out this show. Truly Alvarenga (of Pink Elephant) is a really creative and expressive designer with a really cool aesthetic.

See the Facebook page for her designs here and/or her website here

You can read information about and buy tickets to the show/party here,
but I'll tell you a little about it in case you're too busy to follow the link.

Social Pipeline

presents

THE WEEKEND: Wonderland

05.21.2010

Please join us Friday May 21st where world’s will collide for an exceptionally explosive event. THE WEEKEND: Wonderland will bring you an amazing atmosphere and exceptional entertainment. Highlights include (but not limited to) fashion show by local designer, Truly Alvarenga (Pink Elephant), Morelia Cuevas, Josh Macer & Brent Young’s Birthday Celebration’s and mind-blowing musical performances. As always, Social Pipeline promises trendy, one-of-a-kind décor and a whimsical, unforgettable night!

Doors open at 8:00pm where you’ll enter into the unique land of Wonderland. All guests will have access to 2 full service bars. You’ll start your night off with an amazing fashion show featuring edgy local designer, Truly Alvarenga and her clothing line, Pink Elephant. Models will be accessorized by talented jewelry designers, Haley Luffman & Dawn Craft of Chaud Chic Couture. The fashion show will begin at 9:30pm. Expect to see vibrant fashions adorning 20 of Nashville’s finest on the catwalk. VIP guests who purchase tickets in advance will have a designated front row seat for the show and goodie bag with items from our sponsors. Cabana guest will enjoy an unobstructed view for the entire evening. Following the catwalk will be two distinct musical genres to enjoy. One level brings you the sick sounds of DJ COACH, the other- a live performance by The Chris Weaver Band. Don’t forget about the photo booth provided by Generation Domination!

VIP tickets will allow you access to the 300 square foot balcony overlooking the main floor that will feature an additional bar. Guests not able to purchase a cabana but wanting a place to nest will enjoy a great voyeuristic view of the rest of the party.

A portion of each ticket will benefit NSCC and Rhinestone for a Cure. There will also be a Silent Auction featuring items donated by Kid Rock. 100% of proceeds will be donated to the flood victims in our community.

Check out the website for ticket info.

aftermath of the flood: one week later

2010-05-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

most everyone is still reeling from the flood last weekend. it's still weighing heavy on everyone's minds and life, for a lot of people, has come to a stand still until further notice. the whole thing is still so surreal. the water has receded, but the billions and billions of dollars of damage and the lives lost and the...immensity of it kind of rockets you into a somber reality.

so, we're rebuilding and volunteering and its really inspiring to see so many people band together in such a no-bullshit kind of way. for the last few days, we've been going to neighborhoods that were hit hard. we just start at the end of the street and move down door-to-door, moving debris, looking for animals.

Everyone rallied together so quickly. It immediately became about helping your neighbors and getting stuff worked out. It was really inspiring.

I'm so inspired by it, as a matter of fact, that I'm lobbying hard for the proceeds of the Look Book to benefit victims of the flood. I'll let you know what the board thinks about it...

go here to read my tumbls from last week if you need a humorous recap of the events. or go here for my tweets, if you're into that kind of thing.

If you're interested in volunteering and you're in or around or plan to be in the Nashville area, get in touch with those amazing people at Hands On Nashville and they'll get you all squared away.
http://www.hon.org

Or, if you want to make a $10 donation, you can text 'REDCROSS' to 90999 www.redcross.org -or- to give to the Metro Restore the Dream fund text 'RESTORE' to UNITED (864833)http://youtube/4FH8Dtz4TmU

And I'm seeing a lot of terrifying mold growing, too. If you know me, you know I'm having a hard time with that.

I've got some work lined up. I'm shooting with Jermaine for the Collective and he's got some really cool references for the concept.

See? So, something fun is on its way, and I, for one, am glad. Basically, my entire week was canceled because of the flood, so I'm eager to get back to work This also means I get to go shopping and well...

Plus, Athena and I have been working on a small collaborative line of reconstructs for Legacy. I think we're going to be calling it "Dirt" and I think it's going to be a hit. There will be a lot of great pieces for me to wear to Bonnaroo. Hell yes. Next, I'll need to work out a shoot with that and I already basically have an an excellent idea and everything seems like its going to fall into place nicely.

I'm glad. I'm no good when I'm bored.

I'm also waiting for some photos from a shoot I did for Salon Exhale. I can't wait for those. That was a fun day.

I've been learning about construction and brushing up on my sewing and basic design skills lately. I think I want to try and release a specialty fall collection in the next couple of months. I'm all about rallying the cause.

I've got a lot of ideas bouncing around in my head.

Geez, what an exciting time to be alive!?!

We Are Nashville

2010-05-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

We Are Nashville

Patten Fuqua

Published: May 4, 2010

Allow me a moment to step away from the usual voice of this website.

What I am about to write has absolutely nothing to do with hockey.

If you live outside of Nashville, you may not be aware, but our city was hit by a 500-year flood over the last few days. The national news coverage gave us 15 minutes, but went back to focusing on a failed car bomb and an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. While both are clearly important stories, was that any reason to ignore our story? It may not be as terror-sexy as a failed car bomb or as eco-sexy as an oil spill, but that’s no reason to be ignored.

The Cumberland River crested at its highest level in over 80 years. Nashville had its highest rainfall totals since records began. People drowned. Billions of dollars in damage occurred. It is the single largest disaster to hit Middle Tennessee since the Civil War. And yet…no one knows about it.

Does it really matter? Eventually, it will…as I mentioned, there are billions of dollars in damage. It seems bizarre that no one seems to be aware that we just experienced what is quite probably the costliest non-hurricane disaster in American history. The funds to rebuild will have to come from somewhere, which is why people need to know. It’s hard to believe that we will receive much relief if there isn’t a perception that we need it.

But let’s look at the other side of the coin for a moment. A large part of the reason that we are being ignored is because of who we are. Think about that for just a second. Did you hear about looting? Did you hear about crime sprees? No…you didn’t. You heard about people pulling their neighbors off of rooftops. You saw a group of people trying to move two horses to higher ground. No…we didn’t loot. Our biggest warning was, “Don’t play in the floodwater.” When you think about it…that speaks a lot for our city. A large portion of why we were being ignored was that we weren’t doing anything to draw attention to ourselves. We were handling it on our own.

Some will be quick to find fault in the way rescue operations were handled, but the fact of the matter is that the catastrophe could not have been prevented and it is simply ignorant beyond all reason to suggest otherwise. It is a flood. It was caused by rain. You can try to find a face to stick this tragedy to, but you’ll be wrong.

Parts of Nashville that could never even conceivably be underwater were underwater. Some of them still are. Opry Mills and the Opryland Hotel are, for all intents and purposes, destroyed. People died sitting in standstill traffic on the Interstate. We saw boats going down West End. And, of course, we all saw the surreal image of the portable building from Lighthouse Christian floating into traffic and being destroyed when cars were knocked into it. I’m still having trouble comprehending all of it.

And yet…life will go on. We’ll go back to work, to school, to our lives…and we’ll carry on. In a little over a month, I’ll be on this website talking about the draft. In October, we’ll be discussing the new Predators’ season with nary a thought of these past few days. But in a way, they changed everyone in this town. We now know that that it can happen to us…but also know that we can handle it.

Because we are Nashville.

source:http://www.section303.com/we-are-nashville-4366

Flat Women Need Love, Too (on real women having curves)

2010-05-01T09:01:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking about this. You hear all the time “Real women have curves” and “No one wants to be with someone with the body of a prepubescent boy!” and all this stuff in response to society (and mainly fashion)’s typical depiction of beauty, but riddle me this:
Since I don’t have any curves, to speak of (and I really don’t), am I not a real woman? Because it’s not that I wouldn’t love to know what it’s like to have to wear a bra— and believe me, if those of you out there with breasts think it’s annoying to have guys stare at them all the time, try having never known what that feels like at all.
And I don’t really have a butt, either. (This is the part where everyone looks around, confused because I’m a black girl.) No. I mean, I’ve got a little something, but it’s more like “some stuff in the hatchback” vs. “junk in the trunk.”

I’ll break it down.

I’m 5’8.5”/1.74m (pretty tall, but not a giant)
I weigh 125lbs/56.7kg (fairly thin, small framed)
my stats are chest:34”(A cup); waist:24”; hips: 35”
I have always, for the most part been tall and skinny. There were some times in my life where that was less of the case, perhaps, but for the most part…

Enough for me to earn the nickname “Mopstick” while my tall, skinny friend Amanda Petty was called “Broomstick” in middle school (as if those years weren’t awkward enough). Enough for my dad to still joke around that I’m “six o’clock. Get it? Straight up and down.” Enough for any conversation I participate in to almost always end in “…but you don’t have to deal with that.” And I don’t mind, because I don’t have to deal with it. That’s true. I don’t have to worry about back problems, or if they’re going to look saggy, or if they’re going properly secured in my dress or top. It’s actually sort of nice.

I mean, I can literally wear a headband bandeau and people don’t sit in wait for a wardrobe malfunction. So…I guess what I’m saying is, there are perks to being small-chested. And even though I’m not build like Marilyn and my hips aren’t “child-bearing” doesn’t mean I’m not a real woman. I’m just a flat one.
Now, I’m okay with this. I love my body. I used to joke to Brandon that he should buy me breast implants (and I think he probably would have, even though that kind of thing goes against everything he stands for) but it kinda goes against what I stand for, too.
I love my bones.
Keep your mountains. I’m fine with my hills.

And wasn’t it Rob Machado (god, I love him.) who said “There’s still a lot you can do on a four-foot wave.” And even though he was talking about surfing, not expecting to go some exotic place and riding huge swells and not boobs, the principle is the same.
Plus, my parents always tell me if I have kids a lot of that will change.

you can kinda see what I mean here. This is from an editorial shoot I did with Rohan last year, when I was a little bigger.

and this is from Chris of Villager Art this past February.

But, I mean, that’s my body.
And I love it.
Even if it’s not curvy.

I'm definitely still a real woman, though.
Just saying.

on bad ideas

2010-04-30T09:35:00.000-05:00

I've said before, I don't go around offering unsolicited advice to people about things. I would be a bad move, on my part because I know that I don't know shit and I would just be willingly leading a bunch of people to doom or failure. No thanks. I don't need that on my conscience.

Now, when someone asks my opinion or advice, I'll do the best I can. But I can really only do so much.

And I'm not even trying to imply that I feel, in some way, that you are obligated to take my advice. That's not it. But if you're going to go through the trouble of asking for it, at least consider it.

But ultimately, you know when something is a bad idea. You feel it almost instantly. Don't pretend you don't. We all get that feeling. Whether its our conscience, logic, God, whatever-- we all have it. Listen to it sometimes. See if things start to look a little different to you.

Remember The Animaniacs? If you're from my generation, you do.

"It's time for another good idea/bad idea"

good idea: Going out with friends. Smiling, having a good time, being friendly, dancing, meeting people.

bad idea: going out with friends. Blowing coke in the bathroom at Wendy's, then some guy in the bathroom at the CHARITY FUNCTION you're attending Trying to dance on a table at a coffee shop and giving a married man your phone number. Especially if you're married, too....just as an example.

Seeeeee?

And I'm not judging, because I recognize that there are a lot of various things people find to be "fun" but there are certain places, for instance, where certain unacceptable behavior is even less acceptable. But that would be over-the-top for anyone, right? Even the self-proclaimed "party girl."

these mfs are cray-cray.

a bone to pick

2010-04-22T20:18:00.002-05:00

Now, I love a good music & fashion festival as much as the next guy, but I've got a bone to pick with my colleagues and peers here in Nashville during this year's Naked Without Us Festival. Last night, there were festivities to take place at everyone's favorite Exit/In with a lot of exciting things on the schedule of events including a performance of Armed Forces, a pretty good local powerpop-type rock band.

Now, before I say anything else, I've got to point out that I really do like all these people. I don't know everyone personally, but everyone involved in this little tiff seems pretty cool on a day-to-day. I dig the band. I completely get what they were doing with their set (which was very experimental and very rock and roll...you know) and I really like and appreciate all the NWU staff and coordinators. They've been great people to work with in the past and I really can say I've never had even one bad experience with anyone, so I think it's fair to call me impartial.

First, read this Nashville Cream article in The Nashville Scene about the band (Armed Forces) getting booted from the stage (and the venue) 3 songs into their 5 song set.

The thing is, after the initial drama and after Chancellor Warhol (of the N.O.B.O.T.S) took the stage to finish the set, everything seems to have kept escalating and all of a sudden, we're calling each other names on Twitter.

Now, here's the thing. This whole thing is totally he-said/she-said. Completely. Everyone who was there has a different version of what happened and I'm sure they all have some version of true events

BUT GET OVER IT AND LET'S MOVE ON TO ANOTHER GREAT NIGHT OF MUSIC AND FASHION!

Don't bitch about the festival, don't bitch about the band, don't bitch about the fashion scene or the music scene, don't bitch about what happened. Get over it, make your clothes or your music and go on about your day. And quit trying to get me to take some kind of stand, because this is NOT my deal. I love you guys, but my opinion of said events is irrelevant.

Because some of us aren't into this high school shit.
and none of us are in high school anymore.

What happened to "All You Need Is Love?"

Now that I'm done scolding. That shit was crazy. Right?!?

it ain't me, babe: the threesome story.

2010-04-21T10:05:00.001-05:00

This is real. For the sake of anonymity, I've redacted anything incriminating (plus, I'm not a bitch) but this shit's real.

Look, I'm not saying I'm not all for sexual liberation and exploration and blah, blah, blah because frankly, who you're banging and how you're banging them is of no concern to me. As long as everybody involved is into it, go for it, I say. BUT, this is probably the strangest thing that's happened to me in a while, so I feel like I've got to tell someone.

YOU! The fateful reader.

But I should probably just show you, instead.

(click on the photo to read)

And I am flattered a little. Is that weird? She did call me hot, afterall. And not to mention, it's not everyday someone you barely know thinks you're cool enough to share their person with. I doubt there's anyone in the world I would think is cool enough who isn't a wildly gorgeous supermodel-type. That's for sure. Call me selfish or whatever, but there's no fucking way. I mean, I'm not going to do it, because that sort of thing isn't my deal (in case you were wondering, although by now you should know me well enough). And at least it's not insulting, like "we'd be willing to offer you X amount of money." Plus, I'm in love (yep. them's the facts) and you can't go around having threesomes when you're in love with someone. At least not the way I see it.

Personally, I'm of the mindset that intimate dealings are sacred and should be carried as such. And anyway, I'm too tired from working all the time to even have the energy to go out and party and bang a bunch of randos. Ha! I feel like I just got to a place where I'm proud of myself and the way I'm behaving like an adult with mature emotions and thoughts. The last thing I need to do is weigh down this newfound enlightenment with a string of meaningless hookups.

Who needs that baggage when there's already so much to carry?

So, that's my threesome story. Sorry if you were hoping to hear about one happening. I'll write you a fictional story about it upon special request.

the Devil collects it with a grin.

2010-04-20T23:49:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I am reminiscent of the pillow scars you got sometimes. Seeing you asleep always made me fall half in love. I can't help it. Sometimes, I have to stop myself from reaching across space to try and touch you.

Ugh. You haven't even been away that long, and still I'm listening to Anthony Green cover "Unravel" by Bjork and thinking "Oh, shit. Not again. Oh, please. Not again. Oh, God. Not again." and feeling like...

While you are away,
my heart comes undone.
It slowly unravels, like a ball of yarn.
the Devil collects it with a grin...
our love, in a ball of yarn.
He'll never return it.
Never return it.
So when you come back, we'll have to make new love.

If I were anyone but me, I'd be so annoyed with my bullshit right now.

INSTEAD, let's look at some more photos from my shoot with Christie.
Bruce was our photog, Sarah King was the MUA and we played around with both ends of the spectrum.

It's a Night and Day situation.

See?

Night &Day

Day & Night

if we really are all alone, at least we're together in that.

2010-04-19T23:54:00.001-05:00

Some days, life is simple. I've been having insomnia lately and waking up early. I think if you were here that wouldn't be true. Every new person I talk to has a corresponding level of intimacy, as compared to you and I, you know what I mean? It seems like the people I meet barrel along and it's all exciting and adventurous at first and then something happens. I don't know. Everyone's attention span seems too short for me. Or maybe mine's too short for they who cannot seem to hold it. Maybe it is me, some. Maybe some things I do betray me to my constant nervousness or they sense within me my basic unworthiness. Who knows?

All of which is to say, no one touches you. My life is full of beautiful moments and sweet boys, but nobody even comes close. I can't believe how fucked up everything got, when you sit down and dissect it piece by piece. I miss you and I want you in my heart again. I want to be telling you secrets and stories, listening to your adventures, even if they get mundane over time. I want to be the one appreciating you, because we both know no one would like I would. And then, you make me so mad that I just want to scream and break things and say a lot of mean and terrible things I know I wouldn't mean. Weird how that's still so irrationally the case.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but I think it would be fuller with you in it. More interesting. More of an adventure. I know it would, because that's what its like when our powers combined.

I love you. I love you. I love you. And I hope you're learning a great deal and having a lot of amazing times.

I'm 23. A few years older now than when you met me, but so much older in so many ways. I think and say things like "I'm good at loving" and I have long conversations with boys and men, all of them wanting and offering. Then, I think about you and I feel like a total fool. Like I've been sliding along the surface, playing at something, staying in the shadows. But it wasn't just me, so at least there's that.

Because I am good at gesturing at love, but obviously terrified of the intensity that comes with.
So, if we really are all alone, at least we're together in that .

And still, I can feel you moving around in my brain. Yours is a stature I want to memorize.

If you were here, I would try and convince you to come under the covers with me. I'd try to block out everything in your arms or otherwise try and be a part of some romantic moment with you. A really good one. You know, the ones that can be few and far between but sear their way into your memory for the long-term. I would do everything in my power to shut off everything and everyone for just a little while to exist only where I want to be. It would never work out, but still I wish you were here to try and fail with. My brain aches with missing you.

I think I've probably said that before.

I am impossibly nostalgic right now. I am also nervous and excited at the prospect of seeing you again when we've both grown up some.

It's hard to reach out across such a humongous silence. And there's the consistent annoyance of these boys I see every day, people who want me when all I want to think about is you, wishing one of them was you because I'm so selfish and its easier on me.

Sometimes, warm days depress me. I feel like you of all people would understand this. It's like, if its cold or dreary, no one expects your life to be a Doublemint commercial, but how can you reconcile a shitty mood with a beautiful day?

Lately, I feel you pushing at me, in the corners of my mind like fingers through fabric.

I sort of hate it, because I don't really have the time to lament. I'm too busy to miss you like this, and yet...

here we are.

photo by Bruce Yonce

models: (me, left)Jenn and Christie(right)

MUA: Sarah King

4/18/2010

*with special thanks to Brenda Marlowe of House of Brejil Designs and Sascha Morello of Legacy Brand Clothing Co.

Guerilla Fashion: technically, i'm an independent contractor

2010-04-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when people ask what I do, I tell them I don't do anything. This is a lie, because I do a lot of things. What I mean when I say that is that I don't have a "regular" job, in the traditional sense. Right now, I'm working 3 places, plus lessons, classes, odds&ends.

I want you to know what I do. I'd like to give you a glimpse into my week.

jobs

primarily, I am something of a caregiver. I have a 22 year old sister with fairly severe Cerebral Palsy (can't walk, talk, extremely limited use of motor skills/physical functionality). Because she has special needs, I have to learn about those needs and how to meet them. It's just me and her in total, for about 40 hours a week, give or take. It's cool, because I get to spend time hanging out with my sister (who even though it sounds cheesy, is my real, legit best friend) and who wouldn't want THAT job? It's also a constant-care situation, so it's exhausting to my frail little 23 year old body to lift her and carry her and stuff by the end of the week. I like it, though. And if I can't make it to the gym, at least I know my upper body is getting a workout. BECAUSE OF HER, I'm starting on my first ever attempt at a documentary project. It's going to be about families with special needs; how they accommodate & function, because I'm telling you, people get really creative. I've seen it. Hell, I've done it. (example: I'm working with designer Athena Rowe to create a line of eco-friendly drapes, coats, sweaters to cover wheelchairs)
nextly, I'm a fashion model. People literally pay me various sums of money to wear their clothes, makeup, jewelry, or hold their products. I am also paid to walk in a line showcasing the works of fashion designers. I'm oversimplifying here, but my job is having my picture taken, or looking good in something someone wants to show off. It's a pretty good situation, if you ask me. Lots of secondary and tertiary responsibilities come from this.

fit model/"Model Muse" for Legacy Brand Clothing Co. F/W09;S/S10 (also sometimes office assistant, music chooser, garment lurk-througher)
posing coach- people hire me to help their models pose comfortably and well at photo shoots. Sometimes, it's photographers, sometimes it's models, sometimes it's parents or the businesses who hire me, so I get to meet A LOT of different people in the fashion industry and it's cool to have some of my favorite photographers and boutiques as clients.
Creative Director, Nashville Fashion Collective. It's an organization with a focus on fashion philanthropy. Our goal is to use our common interest in fashion to impact the community in a positive way.
blogger. You knew that. SPEAKING OF: I've been invited to Pittsburgh for the fashion blogger's convention. It's during Lollapalooza but I think I mentioned that in my Bonnaroo post. (invited as a model and a blogger-- in 2 separate envelopes for some weird reason and I know how it sounds when I say I'm invited to a blogger's conference (gay) sounds. But as it turns out, the right people read this shit and it's actually not as gay as it sounds). Sorry, Wanda Sykes.

All of this combined is about 30 hours a week, some of which overlaps with my first job.

lastly, if it counts, I'm teaching yoga again. 5 hours a week (6am M-F) with Marka & Abby (the best trainers in Nashville, in my humble opinion).

And then, I'm taking French lessons, got boot camp, and am trying to still have a life.

I'm failing at that last thing. Really badly.

But it's whatever. I shot yesterday with Bruce and the gorgeous and amazing Christie Bicsak with MUA Sarah King for the Collective. We even got booted from Union Station, which is always fun. Plus, Flying Saucer's right there and...it's the best bar in Nashville, if you ask me.

Guerilla fashion!!!

But what I really want is some Gonzo fashion. So, who wants to hook that up?

Dr. T.

one of the five people I want to meet in Heaven.

things to look forward to: bonnaroo 2010

2010-04-16T13:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, we all love Bonnaroo It comes at the perfect time during festival season and it's usually a pretty great time. I'm going this year and I'm more excited than I've ever been. There have been some excellent acts at the 'roo, but there's something about this year. I still don't know who I'm going with, exactly, but I know I'm going. And it's nicethat it's so close. I always want to go to Coachella or Voodoo or Virgin, but they're always so hard to get to. Not Bonnaroo, it's perfect.

Also, Lollapalooza is looking quite amazing this year, too. I would go just to see American Bang (plus, Arcade Fire, The Strokes, Phoenix, Spoon, Eryka Badu, Minus the Bear, Rogue Wave, Wavves, Flosstradamus) but I"ll be in Pittburgh that week, so Chicago is obviously not going to happen. And Bonnaroo's lineup is more appealing to me. Not to mention, I'll get to see a few of the Lolla bands anyway (although The Strokes/Julian Casablancas is a very compelling arguement). I'm going to prove it by bigging all the bands I'm looking forward to seeing at Bonnaroo versus the above 10 at Lolla--and pointing out Phoenix who I REALLY want to see is playing both festivals.

The Flaming Lips performing Dark Side of the Moon featuring Stardeath and White Dwarfs

The Dead Weather

Damian Marley and Nas

Phoenix

Norah Jones

Michael Franti and Spearhead

Les Claypool John Prine

Umphrey's McGee

The Black Keys

Steve Martin & the Steep Canyon Rangers

Medeski Martin & Wood

Brandi Carlile

The

Jeffrey Ross Roasts Bonnaroo

Los Amigos Invisibles

The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Punch Brothers featuring Chris Thile

Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue

Dave Rawlings Machine

Mayer Hawthorne and the County

Nick Kroll

Japandroids

Jay Electronica

Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

Paul Scheer &Rob Huebel

Cross Canadian Ragweed

Circa Survive

Big Sam's Funky Nation

Carolina Chocolate Drops

Nortec Collective Presents: Bostich & Fussible

Mexican Institute of Sound

Jonathan Sexton & The Big Love Choir

Jonathan Tyler & the Northern Lights

Morning Teleportation

The Devil Makes Three

and that's more than 10 and closer to home. Are you going? I'd love to know!

everyone rereads The Perks of Being a Wallflower this time of year.

2010-04-16T09:12:00.000-05:00

It's true. There is a huge percentage of people talking about it, by comparison to other times when no one talks about it. I'm not rereading it, but a lot of people I know and know of seem to be. It's a Spring thing.

Now, I loved that book. I first read it in 8th or 9th grade (that perfect time for smart a kid to read that book, just as future reference). It changed my life. Really. But it's true. I mean, I still have my worn old copy with the water rings from the irresponsible ex and the torn pages from nights of reading and rereading it. Even Julia over at Free People, is talking about it, the 16 year olds on Tumblr are talking about it like they're reading it for the first time, even some Facebook statuses are reminiscent of it. Geez. It's like this every year and I notice every year. People read that book in the Spring. Probably because the tone of the book so perfectly matches the way people feel this time of year.

Or maybe that's just me, which is just about as likely as anything else.

But I don't feel the need to be in constant opposition to the universe.

Because I love the wonder of it all. And because no matter

what. It is what it is..Whether we fight

or not

I think, probably, at some point people have to make peace with that on some level.

.I probably just didn't get invited to the book club, though.

Nobody likes a showoff.

Fun fact: Stephen Chbosky (author)- went on to write the screenplay for movie-musical version of Rent, whether that's a good or bad thing, I don't know. I go back and forth with that one.

Last night, I went over to Ash Li's to christen her new home-studio. It was cool. She is a new photographer and the other girl who came to shoot was a new model. So new, in fact that the two of them met by chance earlier that day and she just asked her if she was interested in shooting. She'd never done anything before.
And I'm still picking confetti out of my hair, if that gives you any indication of anything.

I've seen one quick edit and my face is airbrushed to look almost completely smooth. It's crazy. My body looks very thin and my face looks plump and round because all the lines are gone (cheekbones, jaw--two of m best features!) but like I said, she's a new photographer, so I'm not going to give her a hard time.

7 fashion shows, 4 days. The rundown.

2010-04-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

It all started because Maragaret May asked me if I'd like to be in her show for her newest collection in Nashville's leg of The Southern Women's Show. Then, I heard we would be competing during this time to find a model to represent Johnathan Kayne (Project Runway season 3) and all the while walking in the debut of his S/S2010 collection for 5 shows. One more show was added for me for Cajun Moon at the last minute and that makes 7.

thurs.
margaret may- 12p.
house of kayne debut- 2p
fri.
house of kayne- 3p
sat
it's my prom/house of kayne- 11a
house of kayne- 3p
sun
cajun moon- 12p
house of kayne finale/american ego model search- 3p

my body's going to need another day to rest. ESPECIALLY because I spent the day with baby sis and she wore my already old, tired bones out. And it's getting hot. Neighbors were actually playing in the sprinklers (which I think is crazy, because while yes, it is hot, it's not that hot). We got up super early and had breakfast and went for a short walk with the dogs to get some sun. Then, we came home watched Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, which is a door that swings both ways for me, because I'm pretty sure those chipmunk voices are going to be the reason for that mysterious aneurysm that takes me out while I'm somewhere terribly inconvenient, like an airplane bathroom, BUT Simon, my personal favorite of the Seville bros is voiced by gorgeous and lovely model-actor-writer-artist-director-possible-love-of-my-life, Matthew Gray Gubler, whom I love very much and makes me smile whenever. I have the pleasure of saying he's a lovely human being. And that's pretty cool to me.

And I'm not sure if I mentioned or if you noticed, but he's gorgeous, too. And you know I'm not complaining about that.

(and I don't feel bad for being caught glancing down in runway photos, either because it's better to look down at the curve than fall off or bust your ass. Trust me.

As you can see, I'm judging the distance before I hit the end of the catwalk during the finale and YES, I'm looking down. I've seen too many people fall off runways and stages not to give it a glance. I think it's good practice when you're all in a line and you've got to keep moving with everyone else. Just be sure you get the chance to work it when you're out there and you can look down all you want. Industry secret: they DON'T actually want you to fall. They want to see the garment.

anyway, I'm still tired and I miss my dress and all the girls and Margaret and Tish and JK and Chris, even when he's unhappy and I'm glad April is such a busy month because the busier I am, the better I'll be. And the less time I'll have to go crazy.

And Vanilla Sky is on, and I love this movie.

Pictures:

All in all, it's been a good weekend. And after tomorrow, I'm back to work for another 4 days, off two, then on for 5 more. I suspect many of these days will be 10+ hours, including travel. This is what it's like to be a working model, I suppose.

what was it like walking for Johnathan Kayne? I think he really should have won Project Runway that season!

2010-04-12T00:24:00.001-05:00

It was great. Kayne is amazing and wonderful and so much fun to be around. It was such an honor to be in his show to debut his new collection in his hometown. It makes me proud to call Nashville home, knowing there is SUCH talent in and around. He's a complete doll.

Ask me EVERYTHING.

Johnathan Kayne S/S2010 Collection: Show Day 3 or, Fashion Camp.

2010-04-11T00:48:00.000-05:00

We have one day left of Johnathan's show. I haven't spent time with everyone, but there are definitely some cool girls there. Like most fashion shows, It's a really eclectic group of girls and everyone's got their something, you know? I don't normally spend a lot of time with girls, since my closest friends are comprised of a group of 1 girl, 6 guys, and a baby girl, my family and a few bookclub hipster-types I only see every couple of months for a few days at a time.

It reminds me of camp a little bit. You remember camp? Going away to spend a week with random kids your age whose parents were also being driven crazy. But despite the vast differences, you still had something in common other than the fact that you all drove their parents crazy enough to want you gone for a week, two, or the whole summer.

I guess this is fashion camp and we're only together for 4 days. Of course, a lot of the models knew each other beforehand. I didn't really know anyone but the twins and Danielle.

I'm learning a lot by just watching people work. That's one of my favorite things about shows that run multiple times. There is always room to improve on your performance and I'm going to take every single chance I get to improve. I mean, if they're just giving away the chance to get better, what the hell? Am I right?

The show has been going well. For the most part, everyone seems happy with it. I've seen some video, but I'll save my critique for after the final run in case I fall on my ass when I hit the runway tomorrow.

Tomorrow, we'll also be finding out who of us made it to the Top 10 and who will be the winner of the American Ego model search.You kind of can't help but be excited, you know?

I mean, I have a lot of Buddhist thoughts on competition. I have a lot of Buddhist thoughts on everything, really and not to mention...I mean, just being a woman is a competitive sport, all by itself, so I try not to heap any more of that onto my psyche than I need, but it's the nature of the industry. No matter how good you may be, there is ALWAYS someone at least as good, if not better. It's just how it works. It's a fickle thing, but I can't get enough (explains my choice in men, lol).

And we are, by far our own harshest critics. Oftentimes, I think, for no reason since so many people out there are haters, already.

i'm happy because

2010-04-09T00:29:00.003-05:00

Well, I survived the first day of The Southern Women's Show mostly whole. I don't even mind the blisters so much. You know, it's part of the job.

I used to be one of those people who was weird about feet, but I'm over that. Would you like to know why? Because now, I'm obsessed with shoes. So I have to dig feet a little bit, right? Otherwise, the whole shoe-thing is moot and I'm finding that I'm really into shoes. Moreso than I'm not into feet, even. Plus, I've been dancing a little bit (and really missing my MTSU Dance Theatre people lately-- specifically, Justin and Kim but everyone, really).

If you were wondering about today's fashion shows:

Margaret May's show went really well. She's lovely and someone I think I could easily get along with, which is always nice to have when you're working. Plus, she's the one who got me the hook up on this whole thing, so I'm really a huge fan of hers. PLUS, her designs are very flowing and classy and elegant and totally wearable, which I really, really love. Photos will have to come a little later for those, because I didn't even realize I had my camera until everyone started pulling out theirs for Kayne's show. Ooooh, fail. There are photos, though. They do exist. You'll see them soon and you'll love her new collection. Just you wait.

Alright, so I'm going to give you the rundown in pictures.

backstage at the debut of Johnathan Kayne's S/S2010 collection

Nashville, TN April 8-11

Nashville Convention Center

Now normally, I would NEVER photograph a model sitting in a dress, definitely never right before going out on the runway, because it feels so incriminating to me. Weird, right? But it was cool, because if neither Kayne or Chris (Wilmer, Creative Director) freaked, I'm not going to get my panties all a-twist. But it was crazy to me. Can you imagine sitting down after Karl put you in one of his dresses? Probably not. No... probably not. I mean, obviously this is not a big deal in real life. I just have some crazy compulsive/ritualistic behavior at fashion shows (because falling or having my clothes fall off on the runway are two things I live in constant fear of, and both have already happened to me in my short time here on Earth) and I get anxiety worse than any stage fright I've ever even come close to acting on stage. But sitting in a gown like this is just crazy to me.

All I'm doing is walking, but to a model, walking can be a very imposing task.

It's hard and exhausting and even if fashion doesn't seem like work to people who don't do it as work, ask anyone in the industry and they'll probably tell you some variation of this;

Yes, it is fun. You get to be creative in so many amazing ways, but it is also exhausting and you have to work very, very hard to be worth anything at all-- and even then, no matter how good you are, you still might not get anywhere with it. It's just part of the deal. There's a huge physical and emotional toll when you dedicate yourself to such an organic industry that's wants and expectations are constantly changing and you have to keep up. There's no other choice but to get left behind and have to find something else to do...and nothing else will ever be quite like it.

And now I have to go to bed. Model call isn't until 1:30 tomorrow, but I have to suffer the tortures of weekday parking in Nashville and I'm tired and my feet hurt (and I'm hungry, but the dress has to zip for the next 3 days).

I love you. I miss you. Just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't.

How we suffer for our arts.

I'm walking for one of Project Runway season 3s most talented designers!

2010-04-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

please reference my tumblr or facebook for the itinerary for my shows this weekend. I'm walking for Margaret May tomorrow and Kayne from Season 3 of Project Runway tomorrow-Sunday.

http://www.atwarwithmyself.tumblr.com
http://www.facebook.com/jennlblake

Peace out.

or more specifically, check it out HERE and we'll cut out the middle man.

danse macabre

2010-04-05T22:21:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I have been working for the last couple of months on various projects, stretching from fashion to writing to documentary filmmaking. It's not because I have some false sense of faith in my abilities in any of these mediums, but because I have a pointed interest in them. All of these endeavors could actually prove to be a complete bust, but I am working to do everything in my power to avoid that being the case. Plus, I've been promising my friends and family that if I get rich and famous, we'll all be on easy street and I don't want to let them down. We've watched too many episodes of Entourage together. Talk about expectations.

This photo book project has been a labor of love, for sure. I shot this last weekend for it with Bruce Yonce, one of our contributing photographers for the project. It was a duo shoot with Danielle Dobbs, who is a gorgeous fellow Nashville model. Obviously, there was a HUGE focus on legs. I also got to play around with this incredible print top from Pure Energy, which is actually a plus size 3, turned dress-type thing for the purpose of this shoot. My shoes are suede and from Nine West, because if I'm going to talk about the top, I have to talk about the shoes, right? I don't know about Danielle's LBD because I forgot to ask, but the shape works amazingly with her build.

Our MUA for the shoot was Ms. Kas, who I've had the pleasure of working with in the past for House of Style. I also took my future sister-in-law along because she's awesome. Plus, I'm trying to work on meshing the compartments of my life together a little better. My biggest problem, I think, is that I compartmentalize.

I tend to use different aspects of myself/the people in my life as figurative vacations from other aspects of myself/people in my life. I don't know why this is, but I've always done this. I tend to keep things very defined and I don't know why that is. I don't want for the first time my closest friends meet each other to be at my wedding or my funeral, though. That would be such a drag, considering they'd probably get on so well.

I have some really strange defense mechanisms, but I've been burned before.

Anyway, this week:

Wed: Casting for the Southern Women's Show (including with Jonathan Kayne from Project Runway)
Thurs: Margaret May Show, 2pm. Bridgestone Arena during the Southern Women's Show
Fri-Sat: shows for the Southern Women's Show TBA

Then, I get a little break for a few days, then it's back to the grind with another 12-day week to follow. Luckily, I'll be getting to travel a little, so time will fly.

And I need someone to go thrift shopping with me on Sunday. I want to hit up as many places as time/budget will allow. I'm inspired to do some of the styling for the Nashville Look Book myself, since it's fun and I like it almost as much as actually being in the photos.

Nugs of Wisdom

2010-04-04T00:46:00.000-05:00

There comes a point in life where you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, because there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

-Melissa Shephard

we all want to see me as the face of an international cosmetics brand, right?

2010-03-31T11:27:00.001-05:00

I MADE IT TO THE SEMIFINALS!

Friends, I have the opportunity to be the new face of Wet & Wild cosmetics, but I need your help. If you could, take the .000678 seconds it takes to vote and I’ll love you until the moon’s upside down.

I might even make it worth your while. We can make out, and you can take pictures.

You can vote by text message

VOTE FOR ME. (It’s Free, so you’re not out anything but a 30 second text)

Text: YMX6HP

to:53037 to be the new face of Wet & Wild. I’m in the semifinals and if I win…I’ll make out with everyone who votes. You could even take a picture of it if you wanted

because I really do love you a lot

I am a city that never sleeps.

2010-03-30T13:14:00.001-05:00

I was sitting there, on the floor, trying to unsync and reconnect all my social networking addictions' notifications to my cell phone when it hit me.

Like two tons of bricks.

I've been busy and I apologize. I'm booked straight through until the end of this month and I've got auditions, castings, fashion shows, photo shoots, dinnerviews, and pose coaching -- not to mention, since my sister's been sick, I've been taking care of her since I have the most flexible schedule of anyone in my entire family (which kind of rules) but can be days and days and weeks at a time, all by itself.

So, I am a city that never sleeps. I'm young and healthy and strong like bull, so you know... I can handle it.

I'm starting to get a reputation as a tough girl. I don't know why that is, because it's really not all that true, but whatever. I'll kick an ass or two if it comes down to it, I guess.
anyway
I can't sleep, ever. I don't know what it is. No matter what I do, I clock in maybe 4 hours a night. I don't even party and go out like I used to. I can't explain it. But I've been more productive and busier, so it's all working out right now.

I have: been doing some thinking...about everything and I think that after the month of April is over and I get a little "break" I'll have plenty of time to rewire my transmitters. At any rate, I've begun to reevaluate myself, my life, my thoughts, my beliefs so I can scrap all of the failed things from before. I'm going to abandon all those things that haven't worked for me in the past. After all, with repetition will inevitable come demise.
Before, I got caught up in doing things in the pursuit of happiness. Now, I have a philosophy regarding happiness that I'm going to share.

Think about being Happy. And I mean the type of happiness that cannot even be properly presented with merely a capital letter. I mean happiness in the truest, most divine sense. I was just thinking of how...sometimes, I am happy. And I think it goes hand-in-hand with love, but loving ones' self.

I think the first step to happiness is realizing that the groundwork is already there. Most people will never realize that. They will think it's hogwash, they think it's shit, shit, shit! They don't want to believe they can be happy. They call it a myth or something for someone else. Bullshit! If you have ever smiles, once, you are ready for it.
Why are people afraid to be happy? Why is there all this bullshit that we need to accomplish something, buy something, be with someone, to be happy? I have never been so confused about anything than this. Happiness is right there. It's within reach. And, yet, we let television, movies, and books convince us that happiness is way over there in another person or thing. Here's the BIG SECRET that they don't want you to know: the only thing you need is yourself and the things that make up you.
Being happy with another person is grand. It's fun. It's worth the time. It's worth the pain in the end. Hmmm...but being happy solely based on another person is dangerous. It's rocky. It's not worth your time. It's all pain in the end, Heaven forbid. This is why people say you have to love yourself before you can love another person.
And they're right, really. And if you think you can't love yourself, then of course, you wont. I just wish people realized that they control their own opinions. You can make yourself love anything, just as you can make yourself hate anything. You have "free will"...fucking use it. You're wrong if you think everything is just haphazardly thrust upon you and that you have no choice but to accept it. You have the choice. You can take everything as you will, but as long as you're negative in the head, you will always take everything at its worst.
Every moment alone will be an excruciating loneliness. Every moment with someone will be fear for when they leave. Every bit of happiness you have available will flit on by like a moth and you watch it, ans 'Ho-Hum' about it, and wish it was yours. Well, it is. I just wish people would fucking grab it! I'm sick of people basking in their loneliness and it's time I shed a bit of light and truth to the subject.
Do you really need to accomplish a certain task to be happy? Do you really need to know a certain person and read a certain book? Do you have to wait a certain moment to cast a smile? The task is existing. The person is yourself. That book is whatever you're reading now. That moment is now.

It's one thing I hope everyone is afforded the opportunity to experience (or your equivalent) in your lifetime. life is far too precious to let anything hold you back from enjoying every second that is allotted to you. Mental constraints and inhibitions are nothing but mere distractions from the glory of living your life and being happy in the process. Happiness is key. essentially, it is what makes us go out and do everything that we do...not? Think about it this way. In the pursuit of happiness, people latch on to a myriad of things and they're not all positive, But, the original force ...that thing that scares us all into action to begin with is ultimately the same. We strive to be happy in everything we do, and I think that's a very important part of living your life. i think it's important to think about yourself and think about what you want, because when it gets right down to it, no one can make the important decisions for you, and ultimately, only you will live your life. So, basically, if you let people take change of who you are, you are lessening yourself to a shell of what other people think you should be.

Life is the only real gift we receive, and what we plan to do with it is solely our decision. I say, enjoy every single second because after a while, you will look back on it and you will either see that you've made it worthwhile, or that you've accomplished little, in retrospect.

So, to all of you, live your life as though you had vitality brimming the cup. Don't let anyone or anything (family, friends, your own mind) hold you back from getting what you desire, being with who you love, or doing what you want. Just keep in mind that you are the only one who will live your life and if you let other people control you, you'll have to deal with the consequences that other people deserve.

Now, get back to work.

Who is your biggest style influence?

2010-03-27T00:08:00.001-05:00

Allison Mosshart if we're talking day-to-day. I think I'm probably my own biggest influence, because I wear whatever i want, mostly.

Ask me EVERYTHING.

What brought you to our Blog?

2010-03-26T15:15:00.001-05:00

I stumbled across it whilst hitting the "Next Blog" button Blogger. I gave it a look and saw a lot of things that made me smile.

http://weblogartists.blogspot.com

Ask me EVERYTHING.

I don't know how to tell you this...

2010-03-25T00:45:00.000-05:00

but I want to curl up beside you. we can do whatever you want as long as the end result is being tangled up with you.

my feelings are moving backward. But that's the price you pay for excellent wine.

are you dating someone?

2010-03-24T22:26:00.001-05:00

Nope. I'm single!

Ask me anything.

I got 99 problems, and bitches are problems 2, 7, 9,54, 69-82, and 90.

2010-03-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

First things first, I've got a TUMBLR now, because tumblr is hip. digital scrapbooking is all the rage, didn't you know?

SIMPLY BECAUSE

Aaaaand:

I told you I'm walking for Margaret May in the Southern Women's Home & Garden Show, right? Well, I am. April 8 @ 2:00pm at Bridgestone Arena (formerly The Sommet Center)

Margaret May Designs

Atlanta Fashion Week

I'm excited because I love her designs. I mean, I have a major style crush on her, so it's especially nice for me to be able to actually wear the clothes, you know? Plus, I love fashion shows, but I never get to walk anymore because I'm so busy all the time. That's going to change, though because I am finally getting the luxury to be able to focus a little more on my career what with being a year our of college and doing pretty well for myself (if I may say so).

I'm also trying to deal with the annoyance of sketchy and/or flaky photographers in Nashville. It's pretty frustrating because the fashion community is very new and still growing, so there aren't a ton of photographers available to shoot fashion with the skill that you might find in some of the bigger markets. And I keep running into flakes.

Like, on the perpetual...

I got 99 problems, and bitches are problems 2, 7, 9,54, 69-82, and 90.

Plus, I have all sorts of other problems, but I'll spare you my woe-is-I and tell you I want to jump your bones.

Groove to some music by MGMT today. Preferably in your underwear. It's guaranteed to make you smile.

Love you, love you, love you!

Paper Heart

2010-03-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

My baby sis and I watched the movie Paper Heart today. I hadn't seen it, although it came out last year. It was written by (director) Nicholas Jasenovec and (actress) Charlyne Yi and also stars Michael Cera. It got some nods at the Sundance Film Festival (winner- Waldo Salt Screenwriting Award & nominee- Grand Jury Prize).

I've been in sort of a weird place in terms of love, so I think this movie did a nice thing for me. Not just because I've loved Michael Cera since Arrested Development, but also because I think it's possible that some of those interviews were really what I needed to hear....

Mostly, because I, as is the norm, find myself in a complicated love.

But I think it is real love.

It's been reaffirmed in a weird way by this day.

BUT

it also shows me that love is deeper and more complicated than anything we can express in words. The people in this movie tried, though. I think they did a good job.

All of my feelings about love come from movies and fairy tales---then, I grew up and learned that life is nothing like that. The thing about love is that is has to be on both sides. There are evolutionary influences, sure and biochemical influences, but there's a little magic in there, too...Love is about giving what you've got and not asking anything for it. SOMETIMES, YOU'VE JUST GOT TO LIVE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. EVEN IF IT HURTS SOMETIMES, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE RISKS.

love is:

worth working for and fighting for
learning to overlook certain shortcomings

that's all I've got so far. But I'm working on it.

Plus, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, so that's something to look forward to.

Hope, right?

was that a phase, or is this? or, to the writer, nothing is sacred

2010-03-17T03:25:00.002-05:00

I have so much fun imagining what your world must be like when I'm not in it. I like to think of the adventures you might be having and the memories you may be making. I don't know why I take comfort in that, but I do. I want to meet every person you know - everyone you've ever come into contact with, every member of your family past and present, your old teachers and doctors, the Croatian man who serviced you at the post office, girls who admire you from afar, been rejected by you, hate your guts, see you for exactly what you are. If I could meet them we would talk about you and I'd stitch all these thoughts and opinions together so I know why I can't stop thinking about you. I know that whatever fantasies I think up in my head, they are nothing like what's really going on in flesh and bones. That's probably for the best. The exciting people I dream of you meeting were never even born in this world...and still, it comforts me in a weird way. I would be curious to know how different or the same things are for you when I'm near you and when I'm not. Knowing would defeat the purpose, but there's enough mystery as there is. I think it's because I spent so much time sensationalizing you to myself. I don't know why I did that, exactly. I think I was just at one of those points in my life. Feeling extra literary or romantic or something. Or maybe I just do that.
Maybe that's it.
I think I believe in the mass creative consciousness they talk about all the time. why else would The Illusionist and The Prestige have come out at basically the same time and have you seen those movies???
So, I think maybe it's not me, just and that there's that one person everyone has who messed them up or shook them up, or branded their brain/heart. They're everywhere. We're everywhere. Am I right? I feel better knowing that because it reminds me I'm not half as bad as I thought.

The appeal is most likely that it's so easy to write you. With very little effort, I am able to use you as a shell of a character or a thought while I'm working. You've inspired a lot of my most creative works from poetry, to plays, to paintings. I don't know why that is, either.

Even the things you've done in real life were so easy to arrange into words. You were always interesting and entertaining, even when you were being reckless or mean or scary. Who could blame me for writing about you? That's what writers do. They write. And to the writer, nothing in sacred.

Who's your favorite musician?

2010-03-16T23:04:00.001-05:00

at the moment, Bill Withers. It may sound funny, but I've never heard a song by Bill Withers I didn't like.

Whatcha Got?

this will all blow over in time.

2010-03-15T01:16:00.002-05:00

Everything I do and everything I am is in relation to love. It's my ultimate goal. To love in the truest sense. Selfless love. Unconditional love. Real love. I don't know in what form that love will manifest itself, but I think it should probably be pretty interesting. Call me a thrill seeker, I'm very much into the adventure of it. So, basically I'm practicing on everyone I know. I'm trying to love first and let everything else come secondary and tertiary to that. I'm not trying to pretend I'm some amazing, excellent, selfless person. I'm not saying I'm anybody's saint, I'm not. But I'm trying to do good and be good and love and be loved. That's it.

The first time I ever thought I was in love, I was in high school. I was very young. I met someone who I thought was simply beautiful, if not a little misguided. And it turned out, he thought he loved me, too! What are the odds? We stayed together for more than 6 years, which is a really long time, especially so young. As we grew older, something happened as so often does in real life. I don't know. We changed, or we learned, or we grew, but we came to find that we weren't actually in love at all. Back then, it seemed like what we were feeling had to be love, but it's funny how time distorts things.

I couldn't imagine living that life now. I don't think there's any way anyone would be happy. I am so different now and that life has no appeal. Maybe that's what they mean when they say "coming of age." I suppose we didn't so much love each other as the idea of each other. The situation of each other... we were both young and smart and creative and good looking, all the stuff....you know? But we didn't have the one thing we needed to really make it. And God, we were so young.Yikes. It's sad to me now, because I don't like the idea of looking back on my 'first love' as a failure. It feels like a betrayal of everything literary in my deepest recesses. But it is and it was. I learned a lot and it helped me to be who I am today, and I like this girl a lot, but she is nothing like that girl from back then. Nothing like her. It's actually kind of wild to think about. It blows my mind a little bit. I can't say it enough; how time distorts things.

I have had love affairs since then. I've dated wonderful and intriguing boys and men who I found to be utterly fascinating. I have dated terrible boys and men who used and abused and took and took and took without so much as an afterthought. I have been treated well and badly and been made happy and been hurt. I know these feelings. I am not afraid of them. I don't feel like I could live my life that way. In fear.

I think that makes me special. I can't be sure because I can't speak for anyone else, but from what I've seen, too many people are too scared of that stuff. They let it debilitate them. The fear of being hurt makes people lock up. I don't know if that's self preservation and if it's just a quality I'm lacking, but I think it's a cop out and I don't think living like that can really make a person happy. Then again, what do I know? I don't know shit.

By no means do I want to feel pain. I want to be happy and in love and be able to smile and kiss and hold hands. I want all the good things, but I recognize that all the bad things are there, too. All those terrible aching feelings and tears and sadness and longing and distance and pain...all that is a part of it. That doesn't scare me.

I've never been so arrogant that I would think that I am somehow so special that I should be able to find my true love so young. I'm not so delusional that I would even expect to meet someone out of 6.8 billion who is perfectly perfect and compatible with me. I'm not crazy. But I am in love. It's not particularly healthy or romantic, but it's love. Simple as that. I've learned some excellent lessons from this love, too. I've learned that sometimes, you can love someone best from afar.

I'm okay with that too, because I do not doubt that somehow, after some time, I'll grow up some more and I'll become a whole new girl all over again and want different things and this time in my life will have no appeal to me. This, I can handle.

That's why I am not afraid to love unabashedly. This will all blow over in time.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

2010-03-14T23:56:00.001-05:00

I want someone to play "Body in a Box" by City & Colour. I also want them to replace the name "Johnny" for "Jenny" although no one's really called me Jenny since junior high.

Whatcha Got?

And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing? And how safe it is to feel safe!

2010-03-14T00:48:00.000-06:00

Day Old Hate

(click to listen)

So let's face it, this was never what you wanted, but I know it's fun to pretend. Now blank stares and empty threats are all I have. They're all I have. So drown me if you can, or we could just have conversation and I fall. I fall, I falter, but I found you before I drift away. Now, you still speak of day old hate; though your whole world has gone up into flames. And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing? And how safe it is to feel safe! So drown me if you can, or we could just have conversation and I fall. I fall, I falter, but I found you before I drift away. The things we do just to stay alive.

The things we do just to stay alive.

The things we do just to stay alive.

The things we do just to keep ourselves alive...

-Dallas Green/ City & Colour
"Day Old Hate"
Sometimes

springtime out the van window

2010-03-08T23:46:00.000-06:00

I am a million miles from home tonight.

listening to: blackbird by the beatles

I'm conceptualizing for a photoshoot for NFC. I am also on the road shooting a fashion campaign, so I am working huddled in a dim corner on a laptop, instead of my own comfortable chaos at home. I have only been gone 30 something hours and I already feel like going home will be like going to a place I've never been before. It's always like that for some weird reason.

Times are strange. Very, very strange. I'm on Tumblr. I think I mentioned that once before.

All that, and brains, too!?!?

That's basically a running update of my life in photos, quotes, what-I'm-doings as I'm doing them.

Ahh, technology.

my new comp card: give me jobs!

2010-03-04T23:09:00.001-06:00

Give me jobs and I'll love you till the moon's upside down.

On the realz.

I feel like a lover out on the ocean.

2010-03-03T22:33:00.000-06:00

Lyrics | Strokes lyrics - Under Control lyrics

When Julian Casablancas writes songs, I think he's somehow extracting thoughts from my head.

This is the song for the day. And a good day it was.

a young soul in a very strange world

2010-03-03T00:23:00.000-06:00

I told you before that there would be more photos from the House of Style chairty swimwear calendar for Wounded Warriors, right? I know I did. As a matter of fact, I did so here in case you think I'm lying. Well, the second photographer has sent some images through the pipeline you might be interested in.

photos: Don Claussen

MUA: Ms. Kas

Hair: Courtney Crigger

for House of Style TN

These are just a few, but like I said before, I shot in this look with 4 different photographers, so I'll not weigh you down with too many repetitively themed photos (although I know you love it).

in other news:

Lots of opportunities have presented themselves to me, recently. I've been half-assedly looking for a grad school, and I thought I was sold on one way, way on Canada's west coast, but there's a possibility I might stay in Nashville and do the 2 semesters it will take to get my Master's of Arts from Vanderbilt.

There are a few reasons for this:

For those of you who know me, you know I have a little sister who is my best friend in the world. You might also know she has Cerebral Palsy and can't walk or talk. She wasn't supposed to live past 3, but she showed them, because she's newly 22. We found out 2 weeks ago that she also has a heart murmur. That wasn't terrible news, because I have a murmur too and I'm mostly okay, but then last week, after an ultrasound and tests and trips to the Doc's office, we found out she apparently has "severe aortic stenosis" which is not a good thing. If you're the praying type, her name is Kristiana (Kris-Tee-Ohn-Uh). If you're not the praying type, that's still her name. **No one expects anything to happen, but it's something new we have to watch out for and it does heighten the possibility of something happening.
I'm starting to feel like maybe I don't need to run away so bad right now. I've never hated living here, and I've lived here a really long time. Another year won't kill me. I used to
It's more financially sound to wait one more year and then move BECAUSE I'm working steadily and paying bills as a model in Nashville. Not a lot of models around here can say that. Most everyone else has to have some other job, but I've apparently found a market that embraces my "look" and that's not going to come easy anywhere. It didn't even come easily here, but I'm finally at that point (after 9 years working as a model, already).
I have a problem with homesickness. It's not so much about missing being home, but I do miss people horribly when I'm on the road, which is becoming increasingly frequent, as it stands. One week and I start to text people in the middle of the night about how much I miss and love them. It sounds sweet, but most of my friends are very much Dude kinda guys, so they don't think it's as sweet as it is. I have a really cool and hip family, too. I don't think I'll be able to find four other people who are obligated to love me anywhere else and I think that's the right number.

what else?

I just found out I'll be walking at the Southern Women's Show for Margaret May Designs and for her again on down the road. This is great! I love this, because her designs are KILLER and I am craving the runway like it's that rock. You know the one.

Speaking of the Southern Women's Show... during this time, I'm going to be attending casting for other designers including Jonathan Kayne Gillaspie from Project Runway. In case you didn't know, he's one of ours, too. He's actually from Hendersonville. If you know what that means, you'll know why I find it significant.

Not just that, they're choosing the new face of Spell Cosmetics then, too.

Wish me luck, eh?

I'm also in the running to shoot a campaign with Penguin in NYC and will find out how that goes at the end of the month. Later on, if I continue to advance, I'll be soliciting your votes, so be prepared for that.

Oh, and my bottom right wisdom tooth has started to grow in again. I have room in my mouth for my wisdom teeth, which I know, is rare. I only have them on the bottom, anyway. The point is, they started growing in when I was 14. I'm 23 now, in case you didn't know.

And it sucks.

old photos of live music

2010-03-02T01:06:00.000-06:00

The best thing about Nashville, in m opinion is the excellent music we get to enjoy. There are a lot of hot bands/musicians to come out of Nashville. Not just country music, like a lot of people think. We have all sorts of stuff going on from Kings of Leon to Ke$ha.

I see a lot of music. I go to a lot of shows and get into a lot of bands and am filled with hometown pride when I hear The Pink.Spiders/Matt Friction or Paramore or AutoVaughn or American Bang or Danielle Bloom or Parabelle or Butterfly Boucher or Elle KinkAdor or even Framing Hanley or whoever is doing anything worth mentioning, because they are mine. I can claim them because if you're in the music scene in Nashville, you know we're all one big family.

Ask anyone.

Come to Nashville if you've never been. You're in for a good time.

here are some pictures I just found on my bro's computer of an old KoL show where the Whigs & We Are Scientists opened at Municipal.

It's always fun when bands come home to play while they're on tour. Those shows are always the best.

This was a really great night and if I may say so...I never really realized how much of a babe Keith Murray was until just now. We Are Scientists are coming back to Nashville to play at the 5 Spot and I'm going to see if I can hit that....maybe. Hahaha!

Jenn

divided: an argument for the soul

2010-02-26T13:41:00.000-06:00

Like everyone, I feel small and alone and afraid sometimes. I get lost in my head and I can't seem to find a way out. Like anyone, I doubt myself and I question myself and I get caught up in thinking I'm crazy. I let other people convince me that I'm being irrational and that the way that I feel is just the result of some personality disorder I've got to find the self-awareness to work through. Fuck those people, though. They are toxic. I get caught up in worrying about making else happy and I forget that it's impossible unless I'm happy, too. First. It sounds selfish and I hate that, but it took me a long, long time to even like myself enough to get to where I've gotten. I can't stop now. I've always tried to surround myself with people I feel enrich me and that idea. I've always tried to surround myself with people of like-mind. Even the ones who don't understand let me be who I am and let me love them for who they are. In spite of it, sometimes.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Lately, I am having a very hard time believing in love. It sounds so dramatic and macabre, but I'm really starting to reach a point where I've got to be a better Christian/Buddhist/Hindu and I can't keep fucking around with these boys and this alcohol and these sketchy 23 year old things....except I am 23. But much older, too. I'm supposed to be over acting like this. I'm supposed to be over feeling like this. And yet, here we are.

Attraction really gets people acting crazy, doesn't it? People start to get it in their heads that they've found that thing in someone else that perfectly compliments that thing in themselves. They start to feel like maybe they've stumbled across this one person in 7 billion with whom they might have found a life filled with laughter, touching, bliss and joy.

~I could have notebook jam packed with ideas. You would do beautiful things, fun things, smart things. You will hide your eyes in pride and embarrassment as I perform something outlandish for the crowd. We will make heaps of money. We will each become famous for our respective works, as well as our work together. Most of all, we would fall into bed at night happy and exhausted and convinced that this is a good thing for us. Not to mention deliriously happy and totally in love.

...but then again, why in the world should we think that we're so lucky to have already met that one person out of 7 billion that with whom we could have that life? Especially at 23 (my age), but even at 43 or 63, or that we would live to see it, because the statistics are really just not in our favor. Probability doesn't support it. Science disagrees.

And then, you have to wonder about the Universe and the balance between science and that other force that's out there. God, Allah, Buddha...you get the idea. I have seen people deliriously happy and in love. I have seen people make it through hard, hard times and still go to bed knowing that they love and that they are loved. Completely. Unconditionally. Without pause. Science completely disagrees with that, but it's real. It defies logic, but I've seen it with my own eyes. I've felt it, or at least the beginning stages of it. I'm starting to understand it, unconditional love. It has to be bigger than just one thing. There have to be deeper, truer, realer connections than all those ephemeral things. There's got to be something magnetic beyond just the physical or even the emotional. There's got to be some kind of soul connection. That means there's got to be a soul. That means there's got to be the ability to love selflessly, with no expectations of any kind in return.

To give love, real love exists.

Where though, because I am so curious to know!

Until real love happens my way, I'm going to practice really loving. Really, truly loving with no expectations of anything in return. I'm already off to an okay start.

Stand back and watch me self-actualize.

thighs wide shut

2010-02-25T10:08:00.000-06:00

I have a lot more time to expand my musical collections now that I spend so much less time worried about boys. It's not all sunshine and roses, because most songs remind me of boys...a particular one, to be specific, but like Elliot Smith said, "Everything Reminds Me of [Him]." Plus, I know eventually that type of concern will pass...it just hasn't yet. So, I'm listening to more music these days. I've found that my interests are more developed than they used to be musically. I used to be a music snob, until I realized music snobbery is reserved for the member of the douchebag council, of which I am not included (of which I am actively trying to avoided induction).

I couldn't shake myself of all my pretension, though.because I'm still searching high and low for all the excellent albums I've stumbled across on vinyl. In my opinion, it's how we are supposed to listen to music at home. Nothing sounds as good to me as a 7". No Mp3, Mp4, cd or audio file you come up with is going to give the listener the same clarity they can get from a vinyl album. Try me. If you don't have a record player, come over and you can use mine. I'll even show you how to use it properly.

So...because I'm a music snob, who's currently feeding her indie rock monsters, I've been spending a lot of time on Gorilla vs. Bear finding out about awesome new indie releases, re-releases, bands, artists...

I even found out Beach House was re-releasing their self-titled 2006 LP on HeartbreakBeat records. And I love it. They're like, one of my favorite indie labels because all the music I've known for them to sign/support have been fun and good and takes me back to some good times. I love HBB. You can buy Beach House's rereleased LP here at the Heartbreak Beat Records store along with some excellent titles including, Jana Hunter/Inoculist split 7", Hundreds and Thousands self-titled 10", and a bunch of other quality tapes, cds, albums and whatnot. On the topic of Beach House, among my indie aficionado friends, Beach House isn't as good as Broadcast (I also love Broadcast) and their music is "too reminiscent" of The Velvet Underground & Nico, but I disagree... although I admit, the first time I heard "You Came to Me" from the their second album Devotion (2008) and thought it was The Velve...& Nico, but it doesn't make it a bad song. In fact, it could make it better.

If you're into that kind of thing, rock it out.

let's make believe that what's at stake here's more than just a reputation

2010-02-24T22:19:00.000-06:00

I told you before I was working on a "Top Secret LOVE project" and I'm prepared to tell you a little bit about it now that it's very nearly complete, and because the entire mood of the project has shifted, and because I feel differently today than I did yesterday.

The project is a collection of "love letters" I've been writing for a long time now. I've written letters to people since I could write, and this is a project I've done variations of in the past, but this is the first attempt at 'love' letters. It's a compilation of things I would have said, if I could have said them. I use the phrase 'love letters' loosely, because they are, by no means all 'love letters' in the traditional sense, in any way other than because I love the person the project was conceptualized for.

Without giving too much away, I'd like to present you with an excerpt. Enjoy.

Is love just 'trust, respect, and admiration?' Trust is so easy. It takes nothing more than not minding being hurt. Respect is maybe the hardest of the three, but there is usually some aspect of any and everyone that you can respect. Admiration in the easiest. Who don't I admire? Even if it's just because they are so much more a wreck than I? So, all of the above is easy, but in the end, there just aren't many people I truly like. And there are even less people I feel like I could seriously talk to. But it turns out, maybe you are one of them...

The whole project isn't like that. The entirety of it spans the whole of the sweet, messy love affair I had with this one guy, both good and bad. Ups and downs. Hands and feet. It's the whole shebang from the nervous and giddy anticipation of the first real romantic connection to the sounding of the our chords of the Apocalypse we heard sounding off that our time was over. Since I loved this one like I've loved no other, I thought it might be nice...this gift.

Even when I'm really mad at him for making all the things we could have avoided happen, I still want him to have it. And even though I'm kind of nervous about spilling my guts to the page, at least I'm letting the page spill my guts to him.

I don't even really know why I'm blogging about this.

published works

2010-02-23T10:16:00.002-06:00

When I was in high school, I had a poem published. It ended up in an anthology with something like 500 other young poets, like myself. THIS time, I'm older and I'm getting another poem published. I guess that technically makes me a poet, although I do not identify myself as any particular type of writer other than a writer, just. By that I mean, I just write things down. When I'm done, it could be a poem just as easily as it could be a play or a short story or a grocery list. I write down all sorts of things. Quotes, random thoughts, good ideas, bad ideas, musing...you know.
I've been lucky, because I've been able to not only hone inspiration from regular, every day life, but also from that mysterious place in the hollows of my body where all those literary-type thoughts are stored.

Hail, right brain!

I took this Modern Drama class in my last semester at uni (If you went to undergrad with me, now is time to note that this class was an English dept-Theatre class. I majored in Theatre and the Theatre dept-Theatre classes were much different than this one, trust me). My professor was really cool and very accessible, which made it really easy to get involved and to enjoy being involved, even though the class met from like 3-6p on Wednesdays. Anyway, the professor came in one day talking about all the other possibilities for opportunities within the department and a poetry submission came up.

I've written poetry, of sorts, all my life, so I was like, what the hell? I'll give her one of my poems. It can't hurt, right?

To rid you from my bones

with your cool electric, shivers

sent dancing down my spine,

would spare my dreams

from demon's nights of aching

alone, as an island.

No more waiting for eyes

to nudge to us entwined.

No more hypnotic lips

hugging words disguised

by secret nights...

But my old bones, creaking,

love you to rattle them

when dim light slides through

cracks in the dark

and I melt from smoldering

so long

as your eyes make friction

set to blaze.

I prefer nightmares

when demons in the shadows

hiss in your voice

to make me move.

"As an Island"

12/3/08

I graduated from school 10 days after I wrote this poem. Can you even believe that? I forgot all about giving it to her. I just remember that it was written on the front inside cover of my notebook (used esp. for jotting things down) and that something was like, "Yeah. Go ahead and do this."

It's been well over a year since and to be honest, I totally forgot all about even submitting it. Then, yesterday, all of a sudden, and I'm finding out that someone actually did read it and like it and they think other people will read it and like it, too.

And suddenly, I don't feel bad for crushing out so hard on the guy who inspired me to write those words down. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not half as bad as I thought and people who think like I do are everywhere. We're everywhere. Whew!

It's weird to say all of this now, because he's never read the poem (yet), and I'm pretty sure he didn't even know it existed, but maybe when it goes to press, I'll get him a copy of the book and mark my page so he can kind of use it as a map of my head. Or maybe it will make his skin crawl? I can't say for sure, because I don't really know. Either way, it's pretty nice to think that he's been immortalized in some small way, thanks, in part to me. As long as he knows that, I don't care so much of his opinion of the poem, itself. After all, I wrote this one for me, not him. He was just my muse.

But then again, Robert Graves says a "male muse can't exist" He says, "a female poet must be her own muse, or she is nothing." and by definition, I suppose, by definition, he's right Musing is a feminine task.So...he inspired me to inspire myself then...I guess?? Oh, someone explain how this is supposed to work (or if Robert Graves was just some Victoriano war-poet with dated, sexist views on abstract concepts of the source of inspirations) * I think I just made up the term "Victoriano" but I like it and I think I will use it on the rare, but anticipated occasion when I have a reason to talk about some guys, any guy from the Victorian era).

Did I mention since my publisher is Cerise, it's going to be printed in French and English, which incidentally are my languages? I even get the option to do my own translation if I am worried about the integrity of the poem. Ha!

On the other side of it all, it is kind of weird thinking about reading those words in a book. Presumably along with many, many others. It's kind of scary to think something that personal is out there. Although, in general, I do pretty much put myself out there. I mean, I don't think you can be an artist and not put yourself out there. You definitely can't be a model. Or an actor for that matter. And since my particular skill set is narrow and rooted deeply in right-brained interests, I really don't have much of a choice.

I also got some cool shots last week for The Nashville Fashion Collective and House of Style.

this is the flyer for nfc. as you can see, my

hair looks amazing :)

There is going to be a cartoon of me, which will be very silly and have webisodes, from what I gather. It's going to look like this. Why? Because the people I know are crazy.

Plus, for House of Style I got some of the bi-bi-bi-bikini shots I did with Don McPeak, one of the FANTASTIC HOSPtn Photographers who usually does action photography.

This particular photo shoot is for a charity swimwear calendar to benefit Wounded Warriors, a charity for wounded veterans from wars within the last 8 or so years.

So..guess what I did? Yep. I dug out the American flag swimsuit so i could get the cover.

I am a scoundrel ;).

I'll let you know if it worked.

5 photographers shot me in this bikini for this calendar, so I imagine a lot of these photos in different styles will be coming up over the next month or so. It was a whole day of shooting and I shot 3 looks with 5 photogs and pose coached from 8:30 to 3:00.

That was Saturday and I'm still tired.

Okay, I love you.

cartoon music for superheroes

2010-02-22T21:21:00.000-06:00

Tyler Shields: The New Face of Celebrity Photography

2010-02-22T15:04:00.001-06:00

Tyler Shields: The New Face of Celebrity Photography

Something about Tyler Shield's style makes me smile really big.

postmodern love poetry

2010-02-18T23:04:00.000-06:00

photo: Jermaine Wallace

model: moi

go ahead and fuck a different girl every day for a month. or the same one. and when you remember our amazing, unreal, soul-opening time together and it seems like something you are ready for, come find me and see if i'm ready, too. because, i think i am. i think i always am and maybe always will be. and if you would be willing to listen for those things i have such a hard time saying, i will try and grow new ears, too.

i am completely willing to call everything that comes before that a mistake.

model: polaroid jenn blake comp

2010-02-15T20:46:00.000-06:00

chest- 34"

waist-24"

hips- 36"

shoe 9.5US

dress: 4

Age:23

Height:
174cm (′8.5″)

Place of Origin:
Aurora, CO, USA

Ethnic Origin:
Black

Birthsign:
Leo

How discovered:
Successful test shoot with Carlos Branch

Favorite things:
My friends. Novelty sunglasses. Rock and roll you can dance to.

Favorite music, band:
Incubus, The Strokes, Stevie Wonder and Bill Withers

Hobbies:
Music, Dancing/Yoga, Languages

Favorite piece of clothing:
t-shirt stolen from a crush ;)

What’s your idea of fun?
Partying until we puke. Hahaha, not really. I like to spend time with my friends. Maybe check out some music, do a little drinking and a little dancing then go home and watch a movie. I've got the Bonnie & Clyde stuff out of my system, I think.

Favorite modeling experience so far?
Shooting my first men's magazine ad. I was nervous about it and it was for a major publication, but it turned out to be a ton of fun and not bad or uncomfortable at all. I also got more compliments on that set than anywhere else I have ever worked. I owned that one.

What’s the best thing about your hometown/country?
The sentiments I have about my childhood, lots of remarkable people, experiences, tastes, pictures that I’d never see anywhere else. I was raised in a very rural part of Tennessee, which is a region full of woods and streams and creeks. Very picturesque.

Favorite artist (any kind):
The jury's still out.

Place you would love to visit:
I want to visit Barcelona on a fairly permanent basis

Currently you’re obsessed with/about:
Lately, I'm obsessed with picking weird shaped vegetables and trying them out. Acting on impulse and saying precisely what I mean to say, plus cursing and chatting up strangers.

crushes on boys, or- I am still young and foolish, but what an exciting time to be alive!

2010-02-15T10:06:00.000-06:00

So..how are you? I just got out of my second tortured and beautiful (ambiguously termed) relationship. So, maybe I'll start really writing again. What do you think? I don't know. Really. I don' t have the time to make everything nice like I would want to. I still write out shit on paper all the time, but I don't know. It's different now because I think my overall tone has changed. Ever since I deleted the old Myspace, it's been harder to really decide on a appropriate forum for all that bitching I do about my broken heart. Brandon doesn't believe there is such a thing as an impartial confidante, at least not one you don't have to pay by the hour. I agree with him wholeheartedly. Plus, I always just feel like a complaining piece of shit with all the tortured artist stuff. I'm probably as tortured as anyone else with a similar nature/nurture situation to my own, but I don't think its out of hand or anything.

I'm kind of scared to put everything out there again. Like, I don't want to look at the ugly parts of myself long enough to acknowledge them. Do you think that makes me a coward? I don't know. But I also know now that the world is full of empathy and shared experience. Mass consciousness. I can dig it. Everyone has some person who's screwed them up, but still grinds their heart to powder. It's everyone and I feel better knowing that we're everywhere. Some people can handle that. Some people can't. After all, it is a very intense situation to be in. I think I can handle it, even if it's one of those epic bummers.

Lately, a couple weeks out of my last love affair, I am seeing all the bullshit that went on and completely hating him and myself, while still not hating him at all. I am exasperated with myself for putting up with it, either way. I mean, it's kind of stupid when you can look at the situation you're in and point straight up at, like, 10 super fucked up things that happened and didn't have to. I was totally the girl defending all the bullshit and I'm not sorry for that. Love makes that happen from time to time. I think I learned a lot in that situation. But still...what assholes we got to be about everything!

But there were still those times, too that felt like watching a horror movie in reverse, all the carnage disappearing and we would sometimes end with a perfect, idyllic town. I wonder all the time if those moments were worth it. I think they were. I like to think they still are. They definitely are.I can say, though that when it was bad, it wasn't that bad and when it was good, it was great. But our time is almost definitely over, and I guess that's alright with me.

I am determined to write more than just love stories. After all, there are so many other things I do. Even though he wasn't, I always felt like he was older... even though he isn't. I felt like he was more together, even though maybe he's not after all. That's, I guess, where our problem was. I thought pumping out unconditional love and devotion would change the mind of someone who either really didn't want it or doesn't believe in it. But I always felt like he was so much better at everything, living, loving, getting older. Then again, maybe I was the one who was better at it and maybe that's where things started to head in a different direction.

I can't be mad. I'm trouble. Especially for him. Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward to that place, though. Instead, I am still young and foolish, but what an exciting time to be alive!

I hope your Valentine's Day was nice and that you smiled a real smile at least one time.

valentine's day

2010-02-15T00:45:00.001-06:00

i really don't think he has any idea. no matter how much i say it and try and get the point across, i don't think he fully gets the sentiment.

February. I wore the time like a dress that year. The winter days fell softly on me like cotton on my skin. And as the embers of the Autumn lost their breath and disappeared, my heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within. But then, he rose, brilliant as the moon in full and sank in the burrows of my keep. And all my armor's falling down in a pile at my feet and my Winter's giving way to warmth as I'm singing him to sleep.
It goes along just as a water lily. Gentle on the surface of his thoughts, his body floats. Unweighed down by passion or intensity, yet unaware of the depth upon which he coasts. And he finds a home in me, for what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap. And all my armor's falling down in a pile at my feet. And my winter's giving way to warmth, while I'm singing him to sleep.

fuuuuuuck.

an open love letter

2010-02-11T17:32:00.000-06:00

I'm writing a lot of love letters these day. Most of them aren't going to be read, probably, but they're mostly for me, anyway. I'm bringing it back. Believe you, me.

love,

what can I do? you are still asking things from me, but listen: I am a wreck in about a gazillion ways that you do not want to know about, that you never wanted to know about. I know that I "can be" in love with you, but you don't even know me well enough to know how impossible that would be. I guess i'm kind of mad at you for your arrogance, the idea that you know me better than I know myself. Listen: nobody knows me better than myself. And nobody knows what's good for me better than myself.

I love you. You are covered in stars for me. Still, where ever I was with you, I am miles from there now. We took incredibly good care of each other. You were (and still are) my complete source of security in this scary, insane world. But I want to run around, too! I want to do things, see things, too. I can. Don't forget that. I know it would be wrong of me to call you up when I need help and support. I'm waiting for you to meet and make love to someone who shows you what a bitch I am. How bad I am for you. I always wanted to feel the edges of things. I always got that with you. You, of course, already know this about me. You already seem to know everything about me. But it's real. It's accurate and palpable, not theoretical. This is who I am.

I don't think there's any shame in identifying with a line in a song. Sometimes, it's absolutely true. And that's who I want to be. I can't stand the bullshit. Not from you, not from anyone. You can stand my bullshit or anyone else's, either. I so love that about you. Madly. I refuse to play at love anymore. It always starts out real and then there's all that shit people end up worrying about that suck the life out of everything. I try not to be like that. Not with you.

Nothing exhausts me more than people talking about their flaws. Which is all, it seems, anyone wants to talk about. But I don't care! I think everyone should just suck it up and do their best. Happiness is something worth working for in a million tiny ways. I don't worry about being a failure, particularly. I just work my ass off and hope for the best. And when that's impossible because of some basic problem in my genetic make-up, I don't complain about it. I just lie around and read or cry or whatever. Maybe I'm lacking compassion. My existence is simple. If the sun rises in the morning, I don't have an excuse not to get out of bed. I would settle for living to love you, even if you didn't love me back in "that way."

I just want you to be happy. I do. I really want you to be happy. But how can anyone love as long as they continue to limit themselves? I mean this as much about myself as I mean this about you. it's too shameful. And is anyone who is a success ever in love? What a mystery!

I know this sounds mean, at least it does in my head. But I want you to show you me, me in all my horrible fierce meanness, eye teeth showing, the ugly, mean asshole at the bottom of everything. And anyway, it's nothing you haven't seen before. One day, I will no longer be so fucked up that I have to be this mean. With you, I could rest, but now there are a hundred fires everywhere and my hackles are up all the time.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Hate me if you have to.

Love,
Jenn

RIP: Alexander McQueen

2010-02-11T13:03:00.001-06:00

First, REST IN PEACE Alexander McQueen. You were among my absolute favorites and I will miss your wonderful additions to my life. My thoughts are with family, friends, fans, and supporters alike.

These are some of my favorite McQueen pieces, ever from S/S08.

Don't they just scream "Jenny!"?

I could be a "jenny" again for a while, I guess.

Also, I'm working on a top-secret 'Love' project. I want to tell you so much about it, but I can't. After it's done, maybe, but just know that I am very busy working on it. I think it will be nice and I think the person its intended for might like it, so that's all that matters. I go back and forth in thinking its crazy and thinking its this wonderful idea. All I know is if someone did this project in my honor, I'd feel really special. The specialest. And it's something I've always wanted to do for someone, but never had the right groundwork until now. So...I'm doing it and I'll let you know.

I think it will likely prove to be my most honest depiction of my art, to date. Truth is a great art. I just started saying that.

We'll see how all of this turns out, I guess.

Au revoir, Monsieur!

remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting

2010-02-08T00:00:00.000-06:00

If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, with no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.

We waste too much time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

And it's not always easy and it doesn't always end well. Sometimes, it does, though. Sometimes, it ends alright. You know what they say. Shit happens. Sometimes, that's a good thing. And even when it doesn't end well, and first, you are afraid you'd die, then that you wouldn't-- heartbreak is like spending a season in Hell and not knowing why you were there.

I got a commission for a painting that is being auctioned off at my old uni for a benefit art auction for the Vagina Monologues V-day campaign. the inspiration was 'venus di milo' obviously, and I have been jokingly referring to the piece as 'Venus di Milosilocybin' but it is yet untitled and already sent off to auction. Some changes were made since I took this photo. She's now blindfolded. I might go to the auction and buy the piece back. I like it that much and it fits in nicely with a series I've been working on for a long time. Is that gauche?

Oh, you didn't know I was a painter?!?! Well, I am.

and these are examples of some of my favorites from my personal collection.

You see where the new work would fit in with the theme.

Enjoy this metaphor:

How to draw a picture:

1. Start with a blank surface. It doesn't need to be paper or a canvas, but I feel it should be white. We call it 'white' because we need a word, but its true name should be 'nothing.' Black is the absence of light, but white is the absence of memory. White is the color of 'I can't remember.' How do we remember to remember? That is a question I've asked myself often in the small hours of the morning. After all, remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting. Looking up into the absence of light...remembering absent friends.

Sometimes, in those little hours, I think about the horizon. You have to establish the horizon. You have to mark the white. A small enough action, but any action that attempts to remake the work is heroic, or so I've come to believe.

The horizon is a slot for blackness to pour through. Imagine the courage it takes to mark the white. The courage it takes to re-imagine the world by picturing it. Pictures are magic, you know.

In spite of all the damage that can follow, I think writing and art are the best ways for a person who is trying not to be sad anymore to remember how to be happy.

I think that's a very good thing.

i'm open these days (random musings)

2010-01-31T02:35:00.001-06:00

If I ever have a daughter, I think I might name her Tennessee. I know it's a boy's name, traditionally, but I think it will be nice later on in my life to think about having named my daughter after this strange place. I'm having some good times here. And while I don't plan on being here forever, it's been an overwhelmingly good place to come of age, whatever that means. I think this kid would have to be hypothetically pretty cool, too. Right? I mean, you don't get a badass name like Tennessee Gem Blake-Something and not be a badass.

I'm kidding about the "Gem" thing kinda. That's actually just a song. (Tennessee Gem, Jessie Baylin) although saying it aloud does have an interesting little something.

My brother asked me today why I "can't do normal-girl modeling." I didn't know what he meant, either... but upon his jumbled explanation, he would like to see me do some more commercial-type things versus super fashiony things.

I realized something about myself. I'm good at making guys want me. I can't make them want to date me or marry me, but for some reason, they always come round with their tongues wagging. Do you ever wonder what's the difference between what a man is thinking when he looks at you and what you want him to be thinking? I do. All the time. It's really weird because I'm soooo not 'that kind of girl' at all.

And it's weirder, because I'm not what I think one would traditionally define as "sexy" although I suppose I can be. I'm thin and tall and have small breasts and awkward baby-deer-like knees. I do have incredible wrists and ankles, though. They tell me that has something to do with it, since the wrists are for some strange reason, the most alluring part on a woman's body according to Dr. Such-and-such, Behavioral Psychologist.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.
Goodnight.

leave with love given.

2010-01-29T09:35:00.001-06:00

It's strange to think that the last things we said to some people are the last things we'll say to them. Stranger how many of those things we said but didn't mean. And how many things we never got the chance to say.

I had this really good friend who died when I was pretty young. Still in high school. We were always close. Ever since 7th grade when he moved here and got put in pretty much all my classes (even band, for the very short week he and the instructor didn't totally clash). We were destined to be friends from the start. Anyway, there was this accident and he died when we were in 10th grade. I'll spare you the details for all our sakes, but I remember the last thing I ever said to him. We hadn't seen each other in a while with school and life and being 15 and we ran into each other in the hallway at school. It was in the tunnel past those lockers upstairs leading into the freshman seats at the gym. If you went to my high school, you know where I'm talking about. otherwise, use your imagination.We were looking through the glass into the lobby. I guess because we hadn't seen each other in a little while, but he said "I'm glad I got to see you today" as we were leaving. I said, "I'm glad you got to see me today, too." Out of context, it sounds horrible, but that's exactly the kind of relationship we had, so it's actually perfect. I say that to people sometimes, now. It's not that I'm anticipating anyone going anywhere, but it's usually good for a smile...and I like to part with those, too.

Since then, I always try to leave with love given for that exact reason. I want the people I love to know I love them. It's simple. If they die or I die, or one of us moves away to...wherever and I never see them again, I would want them to know that I loved them while I could. I obviously had no idea that was going to be the last time I saw him, even though he was coming to the party down the road from my house I was going to the night of the accident. I suppose that's how it goes, though. No one ever see these things coming.

1,2,3,4 Guitars

2010-01-28T22:53:00.000-06:00

I'm blogging to avoid drunk-texting. I'm not saying it's the best approach anyone's ever taken, but it's better than awkwardly saying all those things to all those people who aren't ready to hear them. Not to mention you, the fateful reader, probably knows the allure of a good glass or two (or bottle--just one-- in this case) of merlot. Plus, this will have the drunken sincerity that I know I love and you probably do, too. I get honest when I'm drinking, so beware.

In this case, it hails from so-and-so's cellar. I don't know a ton of people with wine cellars and the ones I do know are almost always someone's parents or boss or the older guy hanging out with the kids. You know the one....the guy who brings the crazy drugs to the party...and since don't have many dealings with people's parents, their bosses, or those creepers so I don't often get my hands on wine someone saved for something, but today...

Today is my little sister's 22nd birthday. She's the baby and she's 22. She and I spent the whole day together getting in to any number of things we had no business getting into (lurking on cute boys, smiling at cute boys, listening to music made by cute boys). Geez...22. I wonder what that must feel like for my parents. They're still so young and good-looking. I imagine it's very odd to have children in their early 20s, seeing as they're not even quite 50, themselves. Still young enough for pretty much everything. Nevertheless, my dad brought home a bottle of wine from Mr. So-and-so that is an inappropiate gift for my sister, because she has cerebral palsy and does not drink but a great gift for me, because I don't and I do.

Which brings us to now.

Lately, I've been working some things out. It's too soon to say if it's working or if this has been a great thing, a good thing, or a disaster. From where I'm standing, we're clear of disaster. I know what real disaster looks like and this is not it, but this is something. It makes me nervous that I still can't tell what.

Ever since I got back, my reactions to things have been a little out of proportion. My excuse for a relationship is ending. I can only presume it's my fault. He's a great guy and I love him a lot, but I feel like he's expecting someone else and she pretty much left the building the minute I saw all those human bodies piled in the streets. More than anything or anyone in the world, I wish he could understand, but that's too much to ask someone and even I know that. Nothing is calm anymore. Nothing can ever be calm again. It wasn't even calm before, so expecting things to have slowed down since all the excitement began is really just crazy. If I don't have anything else going for me, I'm not crazy. Not in traditional sense, anyway.

You know what I learned about love, though? I learned it's not a virus that infects you. It's a choice you make-- just like you choose the things love makes you do. You have options and they are always there. You can let love make you crazy and sick and miserable, or you can let it make you good. I'm lucky that even when it's hard and one-sided and it hurts, I still feel like love makes me good.

I want to be good. I'm trying to be good now.

Beware, you'll probably still get drunk-texted later.

i am what i am

2010-01-28T14:44:00.000-06:00

i'm just not 100% on what exactly that is these days...

model: me

photog: bruce yonce

hair: jessica hallett

mua: samantha yanco

this is my favorite from this particular shoot.

this weather's making me crazy.

so i'm trying a new approach.

you'll hear all about it later.

model: me

photog: jermaine wallace

because, because, because, because, because.

2010-01-24T01:27:00.000-06:00

please God let this storm take me away to Oz.
I hear there's a wizard there who does wonderful, wonderful things.

not maybe. yes or no.

2010-01-21T23:44:00.002-06:00

Alright. We all saw this coming and I'm not going to pretend I didn't know it was coming, too. But the words are here and who am I to begrudge them their moment in the light?

There's a lot of back-story and you and I both know nothing kills a show like too much exposition, but it's necessary in order for you to understand everything that's happening. There are a lot of fun facts about me that not many people know. I compartmentalize. Ask anyone. I think it's important to keep everything in its right place in order to function healthily and with a minimum amount of overlapping worries. I'd like to share some of those things with you now. I'm pontificating. I do that. Just by using that word, I think I'm proving that to you.

I am very much a middle child. Classic middle child. Well, classic-military-brat-middle-child, which might be a little less conventional. I can and often do function completely independent of everything and everyone because attention is so often elsewhere. Early on, I had books. I think my writing style and speaking style...awkwardly...is a testament to that. I am a naturally itinerant person, which has to be as a direct result of it too. I can't sit still and I feel like I always have to be doing and moving and going. The gears have to be rolling or my brain will atrophy. Because of this, I'm lucky to be a natural observer. I watch people. I like to learn their nuances and memorize their body language and familiarize myself with their territory, especially if I like the person. Vivid detail is almost an eroticism, if you ask me. It can be a sensual situation if handled correctly. I don't mean sexual, although I see where that could also apply. There's just something cosmic about the whole idea. The power to evoke memories about the people in your life-- the way they sound, the way they smell, they way they fidget when they're nervous...all of it. I love it all. I get the other end of the middle-child spectrum, too. I constantly feel starved for attention. I think I'm a pure testament to that. I'm the poster-child for attention starved actress...on paper or with words mostly. It's easier that actual drama, because no one else comes along to steal your thunder. It's something to think about. Instead of being a horrid, wretched beast-bitch, just go write down everything and sift through the good and the bad on your own time. It's my philosophy. Plus, because of the way I feel about other people (totally into them) I'm not a fan of confrontation or dramatic events, so I actively avoid those situations. I get panicky in those moments and it rarely goes well. My career choices and the fact that I'm a Leo (whatever that means) all point to it, too. I don't see any point in denying my nature, and that's definitely it. I embrace myself for what I am.

Please, can you just take a moment to imagine what my parents must have thought when my older brother went away to college to be an artist and I went away to become an actress of the stage?!?! I bet they had a serious WTF moment that night in their jammies. Luckily, I hail from artists. And the whole artist community is a testament to nepotism in action, isn't it?

"Artists raise their kids differently. We communicate to the point where we probably annoy our children. We have art around the house, we have books, we go to plays, we talk. Our focus is art and painting and dress up and singing. It's what we love. So I think you can see how artists in some ways raise other artists." -AJ

My parents are both veterans of the usaf and somehow both thrive today with a nice balance of the hippie mentality and the practical professionalism of successful so-an-so's in their late 40s. They're not staunch military types, although they do demand a certain level of respectability, which I think is a good philosophy for anyone. They're both good looking, which is nice (score one for us kids!) But they love art and thinking and deep discussions. They think about things and talk about things and aren't afraid to go there. I admire that about them. We're really real with each other, my family. No bullshit here.

My brother is an artist. He's an incredible cartoonist and sculptor with a very weird view of the world. He's one of those guys who is good looking and knows it. He's comfortable in a room and can handle awkward situations very well. I learned this from him. For most of my childhood, my brother and sister were the only other kids that were ever really around. We had some neighborhood kids and school friends that came in and out of our lives, but we were basically it...

...well, that's not true. There were ALWAYS boys around for my brother to play with. There was never any shortage of boys anywhere we lived. That probably explains why I get on so well with the rougher sex. I feel more comfortable, because I paid attention in all those Psychology classes and I know guys see things more broadly than women. You don't have to worry about the details so much and I like that. It wasn't all boys all the time, though. I remember Jessica and Jennie moving in next door in early elementary school and it being perfect. Jessica and I were even in the same second grade class. What?!?! Fuggeddaboutit, instant best friends (and I'm glad to say still friends to this very day!). There was a while when I was a little bit older that I lived down the road from Linda and Christy who I haven't seen since 8th grade.

My sister, the baby, had cerebral palsy. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Hers is fairly severe, I suppose because she's never been able to walk or talk or feed herself or anything like that, but she's not unhealthy. And her mind is fine, she's just kind of trapped in there. Man...what that must be like. She's my best friend, even though I think she's a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm allowed to because she's my little sister. I love her, though. More than anyone I've ever met up to this point. We're only a year and a half apart in age, so I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if she had grown up with the use of everything and no problems, so to speak. But that's not what happened.

t's weird because sometimes people look at us with that awful Christian pity that you sometimes see. The "Bless your hearts" and "Lord have mercies" but those people really missed the mark. My family is awesome. Everyone in my family is messed up in their own special way. My little sis is just so good on the inside, her going on had nowhere else to go but outward.

Plus, she's the most adorable kid you'd ever see. Without any exaggeration, she looks like a live action Anime character. I would post a picture of her, but I don't want you to stalk her....just kidding, I don't have one on this computer, but I will.

Since I grew up with a kid with special needs in my family, and since we were the girls, close to the same age, I learned to take care of her just by spending time with her. I got lucky because we get to share girl time together, listening to Justin Timberlake (her faveski) and looking at pictures of cute boys (this has always been our favorite past-time. ask anyone.) I also learned the caregiving stuff. It came naturally because it's my sis, but I also had to learn how to do certain other things (post surgery care and home-nurse type duties). Since I was about 12 or 13, I've been learning this stuff. So, it's been 10 years. That's why I got to go to Haiti. I got to go because I have years of experience working directly with kids in unique situations with varying degrees of physical health. It just so happened I knew a guy who knew a guy who makes things happen and with our powers combined...a scary ass flight to an indescribable place on a little ass plane. It's pretty simple. You know? And people always ask, "why don't you just go to nursing school?" and I say, "because I'm an actress."

This is pretty random, but I thought I'd tell you a little something about me you might not know. I'll let you in on the compartments one at a time because I'm having a moment of existential panic where the realization sets in that the ephemeral is all there is and all there will be..
j